Bad experience with sex - no sexual arousal

[ariannammm]

Hi everyone. So basically this is what happened: this year I had sex for the first time. We had only been going out for three weeks but I knew him from before, I trusted him and I had actually wanted to do it for a long time. However, it was awful. It was consensual so that's not a problem but he just made me very uncomfortable. First of all, he made me sit on a counter with my legs wide open (very uncomfortable and kind of embarassing for a newbie) because he said he doesn't like to have sex on beds. Then, we tried and it hurt a lot - turns out I'm just really tight down there and I also had an infection which caused my vulva to swell a bit so that contributed - so we stopped. I laid on the bed cause I was in a lot of painn - that's okay, that's not his fault - but instead of comforting me he just told me "get up, we need to go out". I also told him I was thankful for having my first time with him and he just shrugged it off. We broke up later on and didn't try it again and months after the break up I realised how bad it was. Now I'm moving to uni and I want to be open sexually but I just feel like I can't feel sexual arousal anymore and I'm just not that interested in sex and that makes me really upset. What should I do? (I don't think therapy is an option since I'm moving and I don't want to make my parents spend even more money).

[Mo]

Hello, and welcome to Scarleteen. I'm glad you found us.

I'm sorry to hear, though, that you had such a painful and unpleasant first sexual experience. It doesn't sound like your partner was taking care to make things enjoyable or comfortable for you; was he focusing on seeing what felt good to you, or doing anything sexual other than intercourse that might have felt better to you at the time? It sounds like he really wasn't doing any of that, or being considerate of your feelings at all; it was pretty rude for him to rush you and not comfort you when you were in pain afterwards. You say it isn't his fault that he hurt you, but it was on him to stop what he was doing once you started to feel pain! It's not a good idea (and in general, not ok at all) to just push past a partner's pain and keep going during sex.

It's very common for intercourse to be painful when the receptive partner isn't already feeling relaxed, aroused, and comfortable beforehand. An infection will absolutely make that worse, and in general it's best to avoid sexual activity when you're dealing with one, until it's well-healed. I do think, though, that if you have a partner who's invested in your pleasure and enjoyment as well as his own, and who's good at communication around sex, it's more likely that sex in general (whether that includes intercourse or not) will be enjoyable.

If you just aren't interested in exploring sex with anyone right now, I think that's understandable based on your previous experience. It's ok to give yourself some time to see if those feelings of sexual desire come back, or maybe focus on cultivating your own sex life with yourself through masturbation, fantasy, journaling, etc. if that feels more appealing than being sexual with a partner, so you have a better sense of what you might enjoy with a partner when that time comes.

[ariannammm]

Hello, and welcome to Scarleteen. I'm glad you found us.

I'm sorry to hear, though, that you had such a painful and unpleasant first sexual experience...

Thank you for your answer. Well, I gave him oral sex before and then he was going to give it back to me but we had tried foreplay before and he seemed very detached that time too, like he didn't really care about making me feel good, so I just proposed intercourse. I found out about the infection afterward. I was totally relaxed and lubrified, but I am just very tight myself - although I think the situation he put me in did not help.

Anyway, I'll follow you advice. Thank you for your understanding

[Mo]

I forgot to include this link in my last post, but you may find this article helpful as it covers common reasons for painful intercourse and thoughts on how to make things more enjoyable: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse