boyfriend with a very short temper

[avaiara]

hello again,
so my boyfriend and i have been together for about a year and one month. he has somewhat bad anger problems and sometimes when he gets mad it scares me. he’ll hit things, slam things, yell...it’s scary.
he’s never hit me, or verbally abused me. sometimes though i’ll ask something or do something that’s “obvious” to him and he’ll get angry with me for asking or doing said thing. sometimes it makes me feel very sad but he doesn’t get angry too often.
i love him but sometimes he scares me. i don’t know what to do. do i leave him or do i stay with him?

[Sam W]

Hi avaiara,

If you're at the point where you're feeling scared of him, that's a likely sign that it's time to end the relationship. So I have a clearer picture of what's going on, can I ask if you've ever told him how scared you get when he expresses his anger this way? Or is that something you don't feel safe or comfortable doing?

These articles might be really helpful to you right now as you're weighing whether or not to end this relationship:
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

[avaiara]

yeah, i’ve told him before how when he gets like that it scares me. he says he can’t help it and that he wouldn’t ever take it out on me. he apologizes when he yells at me but sometimes i still think he gets angry over little things.
he was on medication for depression due to some family issues but he stopped taking them because he said they “didn’t help”.
i always tell him he should take them again or go see a therapist but he says the same thing, that it doesn’t help.

[Sam W]

When you tell a partner "it scares me when you behave in this way" and their response is that they can't help it, that's a sign it's time to break-up. People with quick tempers or scary ways of showing their anger can, and do, learn to control and express that anger effectively and in ways that don't frighten the people close to them. Your boyfriend has the option to learn those new ways, but it sounds like he's not interested in doing so.

Too, given that he gets angry easily, his expression of anger frightens you, and he shows no interest in changing, that indicates that he'll be this way no matter how long you stay with him. If you're honest with yourself, how much longer do you think you could stand being scared every time he gets angry? My guess is not very much, and moreover you deserve the chance to find a partner who has most or all of the traits you like in your boyfriend without the temper that frightens you.

[avaiara]

thank you for the advice, i really do appreciate it.
i just don’t know how to go about ending it - i do love him and he is my “first love”. he’s the one i lost my virginity to, too. there’s a lot of feelings here and even though i think this will be for the best, i don’t know where to start.

[Sam W]

You're quite welcome! Even when it's for the best, it can feel very hard to end a relationship with some you had (or still have) feelings for. This article might offer you some thoughts on how to start the process as well as some tools to help you deal with your own feelings around the break up: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking