limits of friends with benefits

[crinklecat]

In which cases are friends with benefits relationships not OK? What makes friends with benefits relationships fun, versus what makes them not fun?

To be specific about my situation, I made out with a guy at a party who I find very attractive. A friend of his told me that he thinks I'm cute too. I'm mostly just really excited that we're both attracted to each other (how RARE!). He asked for my number at the end of the night and I gave it to him. I would contact him, but here's my issue: I don't think our personalities work with each other. Granted, we were both drunk, but he seems really sporty while I'm more the geeky philosophical type. I feel like contacting him would only lead to a "fuck buddies" type of thing, which honestly sounds fun but could be tricky. Any advice?

[Sam W]

Hi crinklecat,

In all honesty, the factors that make a friends with benefits scenario fun are the same things that make a more "serious" relationship fun: communication, respect, honesty, consent, and some level of attraction. If those things are present, then it's up to the people involved to work out the details and dynamics that will help keep the relationship fun and healthy. You can find lots of tips for doing that in this article: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex . Too, plenty of people form satisfying casual relationships with people who they don't have a ton in common with, but who they like and are attracted to and figure, "hey, fooling around with this person sounds fun." Beyond the potential trickiness of working out the details, are there other aspects of a casual relationship with this guy that give you pause? Or are you pretty interested in the idea?

[crinklecat]

Hi crinklecat,

In all honesty, the factors that make a friends with benefits scenario fun are the same things that make a more "serious" relationship fun: communication, respect, honesty, consent, and some level of attraction. If those things are present, then it's up to the people involved to work out the details and dynamics that will help keep the relationship fun and healthy. You can find lots of tips for doing that in this article: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex . Too, plenty of people form satisfying casual relationships with people who they don't have a ton in common with, but who they like and are attracted to and figure, "hey, fooling around with this person sounds fun." Beyond the potential trickiness of working out the details, are there other aspects of a casual relationship with this guy that give you pause? Or are you pretty interested in the idea?

Sam,

Thanks for the article link! And as a side note, I realize I should have posted my question to the newbies board (I am a newbie), because I have no clue if I'm responding to this correctly. In response to your question, I think I am concerned that because I sensed no real connection with this person, I do not see a potential friendship between us. I can see myself feeling guilty for only seeing him for sex, even though that is the supposed basis of a friends with benefits type of thing. I'm not sure how far I should stray from my "type." Heh I also realize that I'm imagining this whole thing in my head... this is all meditation before I text him.

[Mo]

Some people feel ok having a casual sexual relationship with someone who they really only connect with on a sexual level; if that works for you, that's fine - but it sounds like you might not feel super comfortable with that. And that's ok too! Plenty of people aren't into even casual relationships with folks they don't have much in common with.

At the risk of sounding too obvious, I do think that an important component of a "friends with benefits" situation is, well, the "friends" part. If you don't feel like there's a chance you'd be able to craft any level of friendship with this person, that might be your answer right there. Since it sounds like you haven't really followed up with him and started a conversation about any of this, though, it might make sense to take a little time to see if there's more of a potential for deeper connection than you initially thought. Drunk at a party isn't always where people are at their most multifaceted, you know?