Assault?

[carot18]

Hi Carot,

I'm sorry you're having a flare-up of rough emotions. That's not at all surprising, given that you're still in the middle of processing what happened, so as much as you can try not to blame yourself or call yourself overdramatic. You're reacting in a common way to something really bad being done to you (and even if this wasn't a common reaction, you still get to feel however you feel about what was done). As you've unfortunately found out, crowdsourcing support after an assault can be a tricky proposition, given the ways in which so many people react negatively to survivors. If you're looking for places to feel validated, you're welcome to keep talking here. You may also want to check out Pandora's Aquarium http://pandys.org/forums/index.php . It's specifically for survivors who want to support and be supported by other survivors.

Have you had any luck connecting to a rape crisis resource?

I'm going to try not to blame myself or call myself overdramatic. I'm also not visiting that page anymore. I think I will check out Pandora's Aquarium. I haven't yet, but there's something like that at my university that I'm going to go to a walk in appointment for on Thursday. I feel like they'll help or will know someone in the community who can.

[carot18]

I made the mistake of clicking that yahoo link and holy shit those responses are awful, I'm sorry. None of the people responding know what they're talking about and honestly sound like they shouldn't have sex themselves, being on tinder/inviting a person into the home is not automatic consent. You set a limit and he repeatedly pushed against it to the point of asking five times, trying to stealthily break it and then trying to laugh it off and pretend it wasn't a completely shitty thing to do. That's not okay. (The example of 'sounds like' the charles poster gives is bogus, most people don't push for prosecution in the first place and don't get prosecution, what actually happens is the rapist thinks it 'doesn't count' because they don't feel they meet the general stereotype of a rapist so they think its' some ambiguous wiggly grey-area when it's really, really not)

I was shocked to see the responses. I never joined tinder to have sex with anyone and I never really thought he was coming over until he was anyways. I know that's not an excuse, but I was caught off guard. I worry more happened than I'm remembering right now because I did feel so off during the encounter. Everything I've mentioned above is as clear as day though and sometimes I still flash back to that day. I never wanted to pursue prosecution for that very reason; I just wanted help. Not thinking about this isn't working anymore and it's starting to impact my daily life which just isn't fair.

[Mo]

Those responses given on yahoo answers are completely wrong and terrible; I'm sorry that you wound up having to read such horrible things from other people. As Sam said earlier, it's a sad fact that many people deal with sexual assault in really lousy ways and lay the blame on the victim, not the perpetrator. This situation is 0% your fault, though, and you aren't being overdramatic at all.
I hope your walk-in appointment this week can be helpdul.

[carot18]

I don’t know why they felt like those were appropriate responses. I think me posting on there was a self-defeating response. I just can’t help but blame myself but I’m really trying not to. Thank you, me too. I’m hoping to go on Thursday.

[Heather]

Hey again, carot18.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, too. That place is a cesspool, and I can't think of the hours our staff alone has wasted venting about it.

If you're wondering if you went there knowing it was crap but took a risk anyway, I wonder if that's perhaps less about being self-defeating and more about just wanting more support with this than you're currently getting? It's okay to need a lot of it, and for sure, when we have a real hunger for it, sometimes we will try to get it just about anywhere we can. That's a pretty human response, I'd say.

[carot18]

I do want support and I'm working on getting it from more valid sources. I just wish I could feel better, but I'm not sure when that will be. It's starting to affect my life too which is scary and stressful. I feel like I'm letting people down, but I wish I could just rest for a few days. I feel like I can't because I'm so busy with school and extracurriculars, but I wish I hadn't been put in this situation and that I could feel less anxious and sad and stop thinking about that day and how it could have been different. It's just so hard.

[Alice O]

Oh carot, I am so sorry about that terrible yahoo answers experience. I looked at the thread and it made me want to cry and vomit. At once. I can only imagine what it would be like to read that garbage when it is your vulnerable experience that you are sharing. Your choice to not visit that page anymore is a great one. Props.

I am also so sorry to hear about the anxiety and sadness and distracting thoughts you are facing It sounds like, understandably, you really wish this wasn't happening. Both that the experience hadn't happened in the first place, and that you weren't having this emotional response right now. (I wish that for you too!) But I am wondering if it might be helpful to work on accepting where you are right now and *expecting* that the sadness and anxiety will continue for a bit. That can make the hard feelings a little less surprising and scary and destabilizing when they come.

You can remind yourself, "I am in a hard period right now. I had an experience with sexual assault and so it makes a lot of sense that I am dealing with these hard feelings. I am going to keep reaching out for support and being gentle with myself. These feelings will not last forever. With time and healing they will pass and I will feel better."

What do you think of this idea? How would you like to change that mantra above (a complete first draft) to be the best fit for you?

Lastly, I think rest is really important. And I hear that you are craving that right now. I know it can be hard to step back from commitments, whether school or work or social, but our first priority always needs to be taking care of ourselves (otherwise we can't be good students or workers or friends!). Looking at your schedule, is there a day in the next week where you could put things aside and have a personal day? Or if not a day, maybe an afternoon or evening? This might mean canceling some things. Having a day of rest and self-care could be really restorative right now.

[carot18]

Hi Alice,

I just don’t understand why they thought they could answer that way. You’re right I do think it makes sense, but it’s just hard to believe I’m still feeling like this. The mantra is a really good idea and I think I’m going to try to remember that when I feel sad or anxious. I think I’m going to include in the mantra that it’s okay for me to feel this way and that I’m not overdramatic for still feeling this way. I think next Wednesday is one of the first days I have that I could do a lot less during. I have two exams on Tuesday and I think I can make it through them, but I don’t want my anxiety and sadness to affect my grades.

[Alice O]

Hey carot,

I'm glad the mantra seems like a good fit. I love your additions. Re-typing it out with your additions:

"I am in a hard period right now. I had an experience with sexual assault and so it makes a lot of sense that I am dealing with these hard feelings. It is okay for me to feel this way. I am not being overdramatic*. I am going to keep reaching out for support and being gentle with myself. These feelings will not last forever. With time and healing they will pass and I will feel better."

* I also think you could change this to just "dramatic"! Not only are you not being overdramatic, you are not being dramatic!

It's possible the feelings will affect your grades slightly, and that would be okay. It is also possible they won't affect your grades at all--I will hope for that as well. Next Wednesday sounds like a great personal day, since you will be done with those two exams. Wanna put it in your planner now so that you don't schedule anything that day? Could be nice to start brainstorming what nice things you want to do for yourself. If you want some inspiration, check this article out: Self-Care a La Carte.

[carot18]

Hi Alice,

Thank you! I’m going to remember the mantra and repeat it to myself as much as I need to. Thank you. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that my feelings are valid and that I’m not being dramatic. I do have two classes that day so it may be an afternoon of self-care, but I will try to schedule some time over that weekend as well. I hope it will help.

[Alice O]

Carot,

Of course That's what we're here for you. I am so glad I could be of help.

So happy about your upcoming afternoon of self-care. Hopefully that can be something you look forward to as you power through these exams. Good luck!

[carot18]

Thank you so much again everyone, I’m going to talk to someone at the women’s center at my university on Friday and I really hope it helps to talk this through. I really appreciate everyone’s support

[Alice O]

Hey carot,

So glad you will be getting to talk this through with someone in person.

How did the self-care afternoon go?

Thinking of you.

[carot18]

Hi Alice,

It hasn't really happened yet, but I think it needs to. I'm looking towards Saturday afternoon. I also think it might give me some time to reflect after my meeting with the sexual assault counselor but before my weekly appointment with my therapist. I feel like a lot I've been dealing with makes sense now. Like how much pressure I've been putting on myself and how sad I've been. I hope both the therapist and counselor can really help me.

[Alice O]

Saturday afternoon sounds like a great idea! Especially since the meeting with the sexual assault counselor might bring up some big feelings.

I am so glad to hear that you are feeling understanding of the feelings that are coming up for you, and that you have these meetings come up with counselors!

[carot18]

Thank you! I hope it goes okay.

[carot18]

I can’t help but feel like it want rape so I should just forget about it. I wish it were that easy and I could just put this out of my mind. I’m worried they’re not going to take me seriously at the Women’s center tomorrow. I’m tired of feeling like only half of my friends get it and I’m tired of feeling like there’s this whole other person the ones who didn’t get it and I won’t share with anymore don’t get to see. I’m going to be so upset if they don’t take me seriously tomorrow. Really sad

[Sam W]

Hi Carot,

What you're feeling is, sadly, quite common among survivors. That's partially due to the fact that in the U.S, our cultural default seems to be looking for a reason that an assault doesn't actually "count" as an assault. Which is awful, but it may help to remind yourself that the voice trying to convince you this wasn't assault isn't the voice of truth, or the voice of reason, or anything like that. It's the voice of an internet troll, which gives you free reign to ignore it.

It's sounding like you feeling a little anxious about going to the Women's Center. That's understandable, as seeking help can feel nerve racking. But, I think it may help to remember that the place you're going to is meant to help survivors like you. Part of it's purpose as a resource, and the purpose of some of it's staff, is to listen to your story, believe you, and offer you support. By going there, you're taking a big step in caring for yourself, which is really brave and awesome.

[carot18]

It's been really hard talking to people who don't deem my experience as assault. Because it feels absolutely awful and I wish that everyone could understand what I'm going through. It goes beyond the internet and into my friends. The Women's Center was actually so helpful and I'm so glad I went. I'm going back on Tuesday.

[Alice O]

I am so glad to hear that the Women's Center was helpful, and gave you a reminder of what it feels like for people to listen and believe you. And I am glad to hear you are going back next week!

[carot18]

Is it normal to feel like some hours are really good and positive and some aren’t? I feel like even seeing my therapist and sexual assault counselor isn’t always enough to feel happy for a long period of time. I take anti-depressants for something unrelated to this. I’ve started journaling and I’m hoping I can work some stuff out that way, but sometimes I feel like I might think about this everyday for the rest of my life and that i’ll never feel happy for a long time period again.. do y’all have any advice? On how to extend feeling good?

[Sam W]

Yep, it's pretty common for survivors to feel really great some hours and suddenly feel really bad (I've heard some people refer to it as a recovery roller-coaster). Journaling is an excellent way to cope with this phenomenon, as is building up other coping tools for getting through those bad moments. I think learning how to address the bad moments when they happen is a big part of learning to feel happy for longer chunks of time, because it means you spend less time stuck in those rough places. I'll add that time is a big factor in feeling like the happy moments and the neutral moments outweigh the bad moments. As more time passes and you move along in your healing process, you'll likely find the good moments come more frequently and last longer.

[carot18]

Thank you for the advice! I’m going to keep up with the journaling. The sexual assault counselor mentioned I could write down my thoughts when they happen and then I could see how they change overtime, so I’ve been doing that. i hope it helps and i hope it just gets better everyday

[carot18]

Today I sat down with my therapist and I actually told her the whole story. Or at least the pieces that I can remember in the order that I can remember. I still feel an intense sense of "this shouldn't be such a big deal" but I'm also trying to remember that everything that I consented to wouldn't have made me afraid I was pregnant and it did this summer. I just can't help but feel so confused because it was kind of gray. Every once in awhile I still find myself asking if it was an accident even though I know he couldn't have accidentally put his penis in me. I was wondering when I would feel better? I'm still seeing my therapist and the counselor at the women's center every week and journaling and I still can't feel better.

[carot18]

I realized how silly yet again it was for me to put a timeline on healing. I’m really trying to do a lot to heal and that’s really all I can do right now.