I need help on what to do with my boyfriend

[Lilliann_48]

Ive been in a relationship for about 3 years and it isn’t a healthy one at the moment or actually hasn’t been for the past year... I was his first and The first year me and him were unbreakable bonds, i seen him literally everyday and we couldn’t get enough of each other. But i guess After the first and a half year since he’s never been with or has never had any another girlfriend, he wanted to experience with other girls. So we broke up for a while but we always came back to each, he still hasn’t been with anyone else, but he does talk to other girls. We have been battling for over a year trying to hold on to our relationship or mostly i have But neither one of us can actually leave each other. He’s actually left me for 3 different girls from what i know of, but things never are serious with the other girls. We both have trust issues and i want help leaving him for good. Bc he leaves me and i take him back everytime. I just am tired of living like this. I also suffer from depression and have a bipolar disorder. Which I’m sure played a big role in our relationship.

[Sam W]

Hi Lilliann_48

It sounds like this situation is making you really unhappy, which is totally understandable given how chaotic and one-sided it appears to be. It's very sound of you to recognize that this situation is bad for you and to have reached out for support in changing it. Since you're looking for ways to break-up permanently, a good starting place for you (and for us in helping you) is looking for any patterns or behaviors that can be changed so that you can stay broken-up. Can you give me a sense of the thought process that's happened in the past when you've decided to take him back? Are you the one who initiates getting back together, or is he the one that initiates it?

Given that you mentioned that mental illness may be playing a role in all this, can you also give me a sense of what kind of mental health support, if any, you're receiving?

[Lilliann_48]

Everytime we’ve broken up is because he wanted to, the longest we’ve stopped talking was a little over month, maybe two months, he blocked me on the phone and all social media. That was back in August i believe of this year. So there was no way to contacting him,after a week i gave up trying to contact him. The second i was facing the fact and believed it was really over, then more weeks passed by and i was doing great, work and school kept me busy and i was finally moving on. After the month or two he texted me out of no where saying he wanted to see me, i didnt Reply bc i was Moving on and i was okay without him. But when it’s turn around on him where I’m leaving him he literally won’t leave me alone, i block him on everything, but finds ways to text me, on different numbers. I wanted To change my number but i didnt Want to come forward to my dad about it. Eventually i gave In and he told me he was going to change the same bullshut like always,everything was good between us again. But then again after a while he acted up again talking to other girls and doing things he Knew i wouldnt like. I don’t want to blame him for My depression but deep down it’s because of him, my bipolar disorder, i knew Something has always been off about me but
Couple months ago i reached Out for help. They’re times where is gets pretty bad and i have Painc attack’s and i cant Calm down. I dont Know i just Don’t know how i can Leave Permanently. My best friend is the only person i talk To, but she just had a baby and is only 3 months old and she’s busy most of the time so i just feel like i cant Always talk to her when i need To or want to. So now its just been building up and i dont want to do this anymore.

[Lilliann_48]

I take Medication for both depression and for my bipolar.

[Heather]

Lilliann: have you yet sat down with this person, ideally in person (or if not, in a medium that is more face-to-face than text) and told them you want this to be 100% over for good, and, from here on out, you are not going to contact them and they need to not contact you?

If so, can you tell me what happened after that?

If not, I would say this is absolutely your next step.

[Lilliann_48]

Yeah we’ve talked face to face about leaving each other for good and that lasts for a few days.... i have told Him to not contact me anymore, but he says he doesn’t cares he still Will and that’s why it’s so hard leaving, i mean i care For him so much it’s unexplainable but i can’t be with him because he won’t change his ways about these other girls..

[Heather]

Look, this relationship is clearly a crummy one, and I think it's good for you to want to get away and stay away from it. St best, it's something crummy keeping you from finding something good. At worst, it seems really soul-sucking, and probably eats up a lot of your energy you could be using not just for healthy relationships, but other things in your life that are actually beneficial to youl

So what happens after you have told him you are done for good and he is not to contact you any more? When you say that lasts a few days, who has contacted the other one after you have said that?

If it's him, have you repeated what you said, then shut down all avenues for him to contact you again, or..?

[Lilliann_48]

It’s usually him to contact me after we stop talking, but Yeah when i tell him I’m done it usually lasts for a few days because he just thinks i need To cool off Bc of my bipolar disorder and he doesn’t think i Mean what i say. But if i choose to ignore him, he will keep bothering me no matter how many times I’ve told him I’m ready to move on... sometimes he even gets very emotional so i feel Really bad and i give In. I mean Being with him for 3 years, we know each other very well and we play a big part in each other’s life’s, so it’s hard letting go but i know It’s really time.

[Lilliann_48]

And i guess It also scares me the thought of me being lonely that’s why i stick Around as well. Im sure he would leave me for good if he found another girl who would stay interested in him, but i dont Want to stick around and wait for that to happen.

[Heather]

Okay, so it sounds like there are some things you haven't tried.

For one, can you think of anyone in your life -- or ideally, more than one person -- who would help you hold your own lines in stopping all contact with this guy? Who, when you're tempted to cave in and respond to him (to what basically sounds like stalking or harassment, no less, and maybe you do it yourself too to him in some phases of this, but neither of you should be doing it), you could call on to support you in standing strong? It sounds to me like you need some help staying accountable to yourself in that way, so a support team may be one big thing you need to do that.

Spending more time with other people in your life may also help keep you from only letting this guy back in because he's familiar and you are afraid of being alone. We don't have to have a sexual or romantic partner to not be alone, and when that's why we are with one, to avoid being by ourselves, we can usually be sure that partnership is probably going to be pretty crummy from the front.

But mostly it sounds like you just need to make a real commitment here to yourself with this, and follow it up with action. So, if he keeps contacting you after he stopped, then you need to take the next step and cut off his means to do that if you can (like by changing phone numbers, blocking him on social media, etc.), and if he STILL tires after that, by perhaps even going ahead and filing a restraining order. Harassing people who have told you not to contact them anymore is a crime, not just something that is a pain in the butt.

[Lilliann_48]

It’s me too, when he distances his self from me, i just want to chase after him until things are better again. But when i leave Him i want Him to chase after me. I dont Want to leave him and i feel So stupid for not wanting to, but at this point i can’t handle it anymore. I’m so unhappy with my life, but i dont Understand why I cant Move on from him.

[Mo]

It can be hard, even when we know a relationship is unhealthy or a partner is hurting us, to stick to staying away from them. I think Heather's suggestion above that you take steps to really commit to this decision by blocking his number, etc. is a good one. Maybe you can come up with some things to do when you get the urge to reach back out to him again: go for a run to clear your head? Reach out to a good friend? Distract yourself with your favorite movie?
You can do it, even if it's tough, but since it is tough, making more of a plan might help.