Help figuring my romantic orientation.

[unchained]

This is something I find rather embarrassing to ask advise on.

I will begin by saying that relatively recently I "found out" I was asexual and wrote to this site http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... as_asexual asking for advise on the subject of coming out because I was having conflicting feelings on it. I have to say I found the reply I received extremely helpful. I haven't came out but I do have been "testing the waters" on it on my social circles, I have the impression it will be one of those things that will take a while, if it happens.

Thing is, practically as soon as I started to identify as asexual, I assumed I was hetero-romantic. But it didn't take me long to realise that I was doing with my romantic orientation the same thing I had done with my sexuality.

I have tried to think about it outside of that "heteronormivity" (Is that the correct word? I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.) but I have only managed to get myself at a complete lost.

I have tried to ask myself if I can see myself in a relationship with a man or a woman (I understand there is people who fall outside of that binary, I just have never met one face to face, so I really don't know how I would feel towards one of them, I have met some online in forums or Tumblr because we are in the same fandoms, but face to face interactions cannot be replaced for me), and I have ended up telling myself that the answer to both questions is "I guess so?".

Because I really don't know. I don't know if I can see myself in a relationship with a man because I have been educated into that is what is normal or because I can truly see myself connecting to that level with a man.

So I tried to think about how are my friendships. And, yes, I do have more male friends than female friends, but that mainly boils down to that I have always been studying in the area of technology, and technological careers are male dominated, not me avoiding females or not "linking" as well with them. I actually don't really treat men and women differently.

There is the thing that my friends have told me that I don't act the way that is normally or society as a standard considers feminine. I don't wear make up or skirts, I always use sport trainers. I tend to use slang that is considered masculine in my country. I speak back when I'm insulted rather than rely on a male friend to defend me. I actually have a thing to jump to defend male friends in arguments (apparently girls aren't suppose to do that). There is also the way I salute. My friends don't care but it does put strangers off. I can actually say almost all of my friends were put off the first time they met me, but they eventually grew to accept it being part of my personality and it became part of our group dynamic.

And I think that I strayed off topic there.

Well, finally, I have had the idea that romance and physical attraction are like one unit, which doesn't really help.

And I really hate being confused about this, because I'm the kind of person who is always certain of their opinion. Not to say I am incapable of changing it. I have changed my opinion in the past and I will certainly change what I think of many things in the future. But I'm not used to not being able to answer fully to the question of who I am, to not being able to give myself a clear label.

Also, I know that maybe I should try to go ask this kind of thing to an asexuality forum, but I haven't found anyone that gives the level of anonymity you give here, and it's that anonymity that makes me feel comfortable to ask this kind of things.

[Johanna]

I'm glad to hear that you feel comfortable opening up here, and that you have found the advice helpful so far! These can be really tricky topics, and it is not surprising that you are finding this confusing to navigate. The good news is that you have time to sort all of this out - you do not need to have all of the answers right now.

You did not pose a specific question in your post so I don't know if there is anything in particular you are looking for an answer on. If there is, ask away and we'll do our best to help!

In the meantime, you might find this article helpful: Q is for Questioning

[unchained]

I'm sorry, I kind of ranted and failed to ask my question clearly.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is: how does one limit towards what group/s one feels romantically attracted?

Because, I see that romantic attraction is normally classified in groups like sexual attraction (a-, hetero-, homo-, bi-, pan-, poly- , I hope I didn't forget anyone). But, from what I understand from what sexual people describe, sexual attraction is more of a physical feeling, so I kind of understand how it can be generalised. While romance just sounds, to me, like something that happens once you have some sort of "connection" with the person you feel it for, so I it makes me question how can one say "I am romantically interested in anyone who fits in this/these gender/s group/s"?

[Keda]

You're right: for most people, both romantic and sexual attraction really don't work that way. When someone says they're attracted, romantically or sexually, to a certain gender(s), what they're really saying is that so far, all the people they have been attracted to have been of that/those gender(s). If anyone has ever been romantically or sexually interested in everyone they have met of a certain gender - well, they're one of the tiniest minorities I've ever known of.

From my perspective as a pansexual person (I especially like the non-stick ones), I don't really consider gender to be any different, in terms of attraction, from any other characteristic. Just like you (if you are romantic) might never be romantically interested in someone with a certain sense of humour, or a certain way of interacting with people, or certain views - most people also find that there are certain genders they like and certain genders they don't, romantically. When you meet someone who has all or most of the most important characteristics that make up your romantic preferences - that's when you can get that connection you mentioned.
Of course, I am about the least qualified person to come up with any kind of insight into what it's like to be monosexual. But I don't think that anyone truly finds gender to be the only thing that determines whether or not they're interested in a relationship with someone.

In terms of how you limit the groups - I would go the other way. I'd start with a blank slate, basically, and think about anyone you've had a crush on or a relationship with, and see if there are patterns there that suggest you do or don't like certain genders romantically. If there are any gaps, I'd leave them as "Nobody knows! Maybe I'll find out in the future."
I did used to keep a sort of checklist in my head of the various genders (and gender presentations and so on) of the people I'd been attracted to, but nowadays I'm a bit more confident that for me, gender is never going to make a difference one way or another. Nobody knows.

[unchained]

Well, when you explain it like that, I guess that I have to say that, at least for now, I then really don't find much sense in the use of a label of "romantic orientation", at least for me.

Thank you very much for your patience and help.