Will I ever have real friends ?

[KATE9224]

I'm almost 18 but really have no one to celebrate with. I've been pretty used to not having very many actual friends but as I get closer to this age I realize that I am so lonely because I don't have friends to go to the mall with or have a sleepover with like we are 13. I do have a boyfriend that is a couple years older than me but he doesn't have many friends that live in the area. It's just so hard to make friends in the area I live in because kids are so mean now a days but I am so lonely not having anyone to spend days with. My boyfriend is always there but how many years can you go without a friend ? I just don't know what to do, how do I put myself out there so I can make friends again ? I'm so lost in trying to figure out a way

[Heather]

Hey there, Kate.

We can absolutely help you with this. You're right, life without some friends just isn't the same.

Can you fill me in on where you are meeting people right now? At school? If so, only at school? How about other places/setting, like, if this is part of your life, any community groups, places you might do volunteer work (like an animal shelter, for example), or settings that are about people's hobbies, like a sport, gaming or crafting?

[KATE9224]

Hey there, Kate.

We can absolutely help you with this. You're right, life without some friends just isn't the same.

Can you fill me in on where you are meeting people right now? At school? If so, only at school? How about other places/setting, like, if this is part of your life, any community groups, places you might do volunteer work (like an animal shelter, for example), or settings that are about people's hobbies, like a sport, gaming or crafting?

I'm not really meeting people right now, I do go to school but I only go about 1 day a week which I am going to be graduating from there in about 2 weeks, I have taken college courses to see if I can further my education and meet some people but never really works out like that. I do have a job but the people I work with are only interested in being a work acquaintance. I have not seen any community groups other than religious that are anywhere close to my age. I could volunteer at a local animal shelter but people might only be inserested in working and not making friends. There are not many settings around here that are about peoples hobbies, the very few I've seen require you to join a club or something that costs money that I am not able to pay for.

[Heather]

Volunteering is actually a really great way to make new friends, whether it's a shelter or just about anything else. When we're volunteering somewhere, we already have a shared interest and passion, and usually like to make some friendships that way.

It for sure sounds like a lot of your problem is that you're so socially isolated. Anything you can do to help that -- again, like volunteering, or joining a sport, as another example -- is likely to help with this. It's very hard to make friends if we don't have much contact with people.

[KATE9224]

Volunteering is actually a really great way to make new friends, whether it's a shelter or just about anything else. When we're volunteering somewhere, we already have a shared interest and passion, and usually like to make some friendships that way.

It for sure sounds like a lot of your problem is that you're so socially isolated. Anything you can do to help that -- again, like volunteering, or joining a sport, as another example -- is likely to help with this. It's very hard to make friends if we don't have much contact with people.

I have volunteered in the past and didn't get very far with making friends. I will definitely give it another try as I am older than what I was.

I think I am so socially isolated because I was bullied a lot throughout middle school so I guess there is this fear of people not being welcoming or others accepting and befriending me. I have considered going back to group therapy just so I could be surrounded by others that might feel the same way but I don't want people to judge or my mom to think it's for the same reason I went the first time and what if I'm not surrounded by people who feel the same loneliness.

[Heather]

It's certainly understandable to isolate yourself in response to trauma from others. But it also sounds like just by virtue of only being in school one day a week, that isolation is kind of baked in.

I think taking another try at group therapy is a good call. You can't control what other people think or people making judgements, and choosing not to get community and care you need to try and avoid that sounds counter-productive to me. You can always call people out if and when they are being nonsupportive, after all, or correct false assumptions if and when you need to.

[KATE9224]

It's certainly understandable to isolate yourself in response to trauma from others. But it also sounds like just by virtue of only being in school one day a week, that isolation is kind of baked in.

I think taking another try at group therapy is a good call. You can't control what other people think or people making judgements, and choosing not to get community and care you need to try and avoid that sounds counter-productive to me. You can always call people out if and when they are being nonsupportive, after all, or correct false assumptions if and when you need to.

I went to independent studies so I didn't have to run into the people who tormented me through middle school. I moved out of town to live with a relative half way through 8th grade because nothing was getting done about the bullying and I couldn't take it. I had to move back after 8th grade because it was only supposed to be temporary but I couldn't go back to seeing those people every day in the halls at school.

I will be looking into group sessions tomorrow. I mean if I'm not comfortable I could always just stop going. I just want to start somewhere.

[Heather]

I understand. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that, and I'm glad you were able to get away from it, even if the solution has some of its own downsides.

I'm glad to hear that about the group sessions: I think it sounds like a positive risk that's worth taking.