Coming out as poly...

[_boople_snoot_]

Coming out as Pansexual and later, trans was really easy because I'm lucky enough to live in a very accepting, liberal household. But coming out as poly... that's a bit more complicated. My parents got divorced because of polyamory. My mom wanted to me monogamous and my dad didn't know how to initiate a healthy (completely honest) one.it was really messy when my stepdad got involved so they all just split up. I want to share my life with my dad and be able to tell him about my relationships, but I can't bring myself to do it. It would have been easier if my dad had continued polyamorous relationships, but he didn't (which tbh was for the best, he wasn't good at that). How could I come out to my dad?

[Jacob]

Hi again boopie,

Looking at your multiple questions here, it sounds like you have a lot going on, and I wonder if it could be useful to prioritise a little, and slow down? Some of it feels a bit more pressing to me. Especially the stuff about making ammends for abusive behaviour. This is, of course, a totally valid question. But it doesn't sound like there is any rush to have this conversation with your dad especially while you are still working so much out for yourself.

If it's ok with you, could we stick to the stuff you are still figuring out around the consent, ammends etc and return to these other questions then?

[_boople_snoot_]

I am very confuzzled. I'm not sure what you mean lol.

[Sam W]

Hi boople_snoot,

I think Jacob is referring to your other post on the boards where you asked us about whether you'd sexually harassed someone and how to make amends if you had. In other words, the issues in that post sounds like they need to be prioritized, so we should finish having that conversation before moving on to this one. Does that make things clearer?

[_boople_snoot_]

OH okay ya. BUT THE THING IS I TALKED TO A AND WERE CHILL NOW SO THATS COOL. ...why am ii like dis xD

[Jacob]

Hi boopie!

I'm glad you spoke about it with him and that things feel like they are ok. Be aware that this also could have gone the opposite way... when we overstep someone's boundaries, it is taking a gamble that they could be really hurt and that would be on you.

We take responsibility for our actions as a way of being honest with ourselves and others, and making the world a safer place, not just because of outcomes (like if you weren't chill any more, or if he was really upset by it).

That said, if he feels ok, I'm glad for his sake, that's good.

I hope you were still able to apologise and would know not to do something like that again?

[_boople_snoot_]

OKAY YA BUT THE THING IS EVEN THO I TALKED TO HIM AND HE SAID IT WAS NO BIG DEAL I STILL CRY ABOUT IT WHEN ITS BROUGHT UP SO I WOULD REALLY PREFER IF I COULD MAYBE GET AN ANSWER TO THE ORIGINAL QUESTION. (capitalization to properly resemble my awkwardness... also sorry itf that was rude idk.)

[Sam W]

Hi Boople_Snoot,

We can talk about other topics as well, but it may also be beneficial for you to do some reflecting on why you have such a strong reaction when that subject is brought up even though it seems resolved. After all, when we have a recurring, strong reaction to something, it's usually because our brain is trying to tell us something about a situation. Do you follow what I'm saying?

As for talking to your dad, what if you told him a variation on what you told us: that this is the relationship structure you're interested in and you're telling him because you want to be able to talk with him about the relationships in your life?

[_boople_snoot_]

to the first part: Basically, i hate my self, i know why i get so upset when i think about it. I know what its like to be touched inappropriately by someone I trusted. I never thought i would do something like that. A doesnt understand why I'm so upset about it. He said its not a big deal and he doesnt care anymore. But its a big deal to me.

To the second part: what? (lol sorry im dumb and confused)

[Sam W]

Those feelings are perfectly understandable. Something that may be helpful to you right now is to focus on the things you can do to make sure you don't, either on purpose or accidentally, do the same thing to someone in the future. In other words, you can't change your past actions but you can focus on making your future actions ones that leave you feeling okay. Can I ask if you ever received support around the inappropriate contact someone did to you?

With talking to your dad, what I was getting at was the idea of you explaining your desire to be poly to him (sorry, that may have been unclear in my previous post). What if you told him in a very straightforward way? Do you think he'd immediately object to what you were saying, or do you think he'd be open to listening to you?