boyfriend and sti testing

[phantom_dog]

hey everyone,

so my boyfriend and i recently began getting sexual in our relationship (nothing too explicit, mainly just hand-to-genital stuff) and i really want for us both to get tested for sti's before we make the leap into oral sex. the problem is, i'm a virgin and he isn't -- and his previous partner was very sexually abusive. i'm not sure how to bring up the topic of sti testing without upsetting/triggering flashbacks to his abuse, but this is something i really want to get done to ensure the health of the both of us. how should i bring it up to him? what can i do in the event he does get upset/triggered? thanks!!

[Sam W]

Hi terezichan,

It's great that you want to practice safer sex while also being sensitive to the abuse in your boyfriend's past. I think you could phrase your desire to get tested to him the same way you've phrased it to us here: that it's something you want done because your health and his health are important. That's an honest way to present the idea, and it also makes it clear that this request is coming from a place of care rather than a place of control.

As far as what happens if this conversation turns out to be a trauma cue, your reaction depends a lot on what things he finds helpful when he's having a flashback or other trauma-connected emotion. Have you and he had any discussions about how you can help him in those moments?

[phantom_dog]

we haven't sat down and had an actual discussion about it, but i've been with him while he was having flashbacks and experiencing painful memories of his abuser. it helps to give him a bit of space but still be there with him.

but actually, shortly after i posted this yesterday he and i did have a conversation about stds (not necessarily pertaining to us) where i brought up that i think it's important for couples to get tested before having sex, and we discussed places we can get tested. so i think we're good now! i'm not sure when we'll get tested, but i know this topic is on the table and i intend on bringing it up again on when we should go. thank you for your help!

[Heather]

I also want to back you up and let you know that testing is about caring for ourselves and each other, so I think that asking for it sends a very different message than any abuse he suffered likely sent. You are clearly very sensitive about his history, so I think you can trust yourself with this and related topics.