How to have a healthy relationship in this case ?

[Lola2018]

Hi
I’ve been dating this guy for half a year, we’ve been official for about two months and we know each other for a year. We made a weekend trip and I thought that was a great way to bond. But he wouldn’t initiate sex.. (even though we had a lot of sex.. it was me who made it happen).
Now I know that he felt weird back then that he didn’t feel like opening up to me because he got badly hurt on his last relationship. And that makes me feel used.. it also makes me wonder if I sexually abused him.. (because I feel I made him have sex with me even though he didn’t want to at least not as muchas I did).
Ok so I also feel lied to and embarrassed because I though we were in a place in the relationship and we were actually in another.
He says everyday he opens up more to me and that his falling in Love each day a bit more. But that he is slow and he need time and he doesn’t want to feel pressured.
I don’t want to feel abandoned or like I’m just a sidekick. We have talked about it and decided to meet halfway (my idea) I will not pressure him and he will not make me feel abandoned.
I just want a healthy relationship and I think this one is one I just don’t want to ruin it. I don’t want to be clingy, but also I don’t want to be left out.
What are your thoughts on this ?

[Heather]

There's a lot of different questions in here, but a lot of what I'm hearing sounds like assumptions of bad faith: about him, about you. I'm feeling pretty confused about them, so I've got some questions before I feel like I can give any helpful answers.

For instance, you assume he lied to you (or say you feel lied to) because you had a different sense of where you both were at in the relationship. I don't see anything you have posted, though, that suggests anyone was being dishonest, so I don't understand why you are going to a place of presumed lying?

You seem to assume you engaged in abuse -- and were used -- because...you initiated? If that's it, I don't get why you would assume that'd be the case. If, instead, he said no and you pushed or pressured, then we have something to discuss when it comes to abuse, but if you simply were primarily initiating, that isn't abusive. Can you say more about why you think you feel used?

What do you mean by meeting halfway? Meeting halfway with what?

[Lola2018]

Hi heather
Ok so I feel lied because he didn’t tell me sooner that he wasn’t feeling completely open with me. But now that I think about it he did say from the very beginning he has a slow pace. He likes to take his time to feel and get to know me. So I guess in this case it’s my mistake.. i wasn’t lied to and I should be more patient with him. He has always been very kind to me.. even though I don’t understand what he means with slow pace and why someone in a relationship would still need more time to feel comfortable. I guess I must try to understand and be a more caring girlfriend.


Yes I just initiated sex I didn’t force him to.. but maybe if he wasn’t that into having sex with me I shouldn’t have initiated it in first place.

By meeting halfway I mean.. sometimes because he doesn’t feel that comfortable with me or maybe because he’s still getting to know me.. he doesn’t open up as much as I would like him to and I feel a bit left out. So we talked and he’ll try not to me Ake me feel that way and I’ll try not to make him feel pressured in the relationship. Does that make any sense ? Am i being immature? I just want a happy fun healthy and chill relationship.

I truly believe we are a great match, we have fun, no jealousy we are always available for the other and caring. We get along very well and we have chemistry. I don’t want to ruin it for stupid ideas that are so not worth it.

[Sam W]

Hi Lola,

If you're feeling like you don't understand where his need to go slow or take time to get comfortable is coming from, that's something you can try talking to him about. It may be that he doesn't want to go in to the details, but there's also a chance talking about it will lead to you understanding him better. People go at different paces in relationships, and some people need more time to fully feel comfortable talking about or doing certain things with a partner for all sorts of reasons. You mention the two of you have talked about this issue in the past. Do you feel like things actually change after you have those talks? Or do you find yourselves having the same conversation a few weeks later?

Initiating sex isn't the same as pressuring someone into sex. Sometimes, one person is interested in having sex and can't tell if the other person is thinking the same thing. So the way to find out if they're both interested is to ask or initiate something and see how the other person responds. Too, sometimes a partner won't actively be thinking about sex, but if the other person initiates they decide, "yep, sex actually sounds good right now." Does that make sense?

[Lola2018]

Yes! Thank you we talked and everything is so much better!

[Heather]

Hooray!