Overwhelming feeling

[Science_Geek]

Hi. Sorry to post so often about this. I just don't have anywhere else to go.

Lately, I have had this overwhelming sense to be touched. I don't like it. I hate it really.
I try to get rid of the feeling through various things, even masterbation. I hate it. I hate the way it makes me feel. I don't know how to handle this overwhelming sense or feeling. How do I get rid of this?

Sorry for posting again.

[Sam W]

Hi Science_Geek

I'm sorry these feelings are so overwhelming for you. Can you give us a sense of what you have tried besides masturbation so we're not accidentally recommending things you know don't work?

[Science_Geek]

Hi, they aren't great things and they all involve some sort of self harm.

I have tried writing or art, positive skills, but it usually ends up in some form of self harm.

[Alice O]

Hi Science_Geek,

I am so sorry to hear you have been having such overwhelming feelings and that you have been struggling to find relief from them. Ultimately, a therapist is who is going to be able to help you navigate these difficult feelings and develop strategies for when they feel like just too much. If I remember correctly, back in the fall you were looking for a new therapist. I am not seeing a more recent update (but I may have missed it!). Are you currently seeing a therapist? If so, how is that going? Have you talked about this desire to be touched that is disturbing you? Have you worked on self-harm at all?

It sounds like you are not finding writing and art to be helpful ways to avoid self-harming. Have you explored any other strategies? Again, a mental health professional is going to be who can really help you with this. But here are some ideas you could try for more immediate relief: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog ... lf-harming. Ideas include changing your surroundings, moving your body, washing your arms, calling or texting a trusted loved one, and waiting 20 minutes, among other things. But the article explains more!

I am also wondering if you know of places you can call or resources you can access for an emergency if you are feeling unsafe and urgently needing support? If not, we can share some.

I am thinking of you Science_Geek! Take good care <3

[Science_Geek]

Hi, thanks.

Still no therapist. I am on the wait list but knowing where I am I will be lucky to be seen by 2019.... but probably 2020, which I hope to have moved far away from this place by then.

The suicide hotline in this area said I cannot contact them anymore. And the LGBT chat site didn't seem to help. I'm alone.

Thanks for the link

[Heather]

Are you able to keep yourself from self-harm when you have these feelings?

If you are not, then I would let a general healthcare provider know that very clearly. If you are unable to keep from harming yourself, that may change things in that you may be able to access emergency mental healthcare.

If you're not open to trying or sharing that, then it seems like for now, you're on your own in terms of needing to simply do what you can to figure out how to live with these feelings without doing yourself harm.

We could also talk some more, if you like, about why wanting to be touched -- which is on of the most basic and central of human desires and needs -- troubles you so much, and see if talking this out more helps at all.

[Science_Geek]

Hi, I would go to the gp but they are males so I don't feel that comfortable telling them this stuff. I don't trust the female gp at all. So I guess waiting for the psychologist is it.

We can try talking here, but I feel so bad about posting here so much.

[Sam W]

You're welcome to keep posting here, and we'll do our best to help you out however we can given the bounds of our service. If you feel comfortable giving an answer, what do you think about Heather's question about touch from their last post?

As an aside, since it sounds like getting you connected to mental health services sooner rather than later is important, is there a reason why you don't trust the female gp?

[Science_Geek]

Hi,
Thanks.

It's stupid. I don't want to get hurt like I have in the past. And being raised the way I was, I was taught touch is bad. Which was and is confusing. I know I need therapy but it doesn't look like I will be getting it anytime soon.

I don't trust the female gp due to her rude and inappropriate comments she made about my health and PTSD.

[Sam W]

Yikes, I can absolutely see why you wouldn't trust her after that. That's so not an okay way for a healthcare provider to behave. Since it sounds like you might have a lag in accessing mental healthcare, do you have a set of ways to squish those self-harm thoughts when they come. Or is that something you feel you need resources on?

When you reference your past, do you mean touch was traumatic or hurtful? Or that you associate touch with someone or something you lost? With how you were raised, was it that touch was shameful, or did " bad" mean something else?

[Science_Geek]

Hi, thanks for understanding.

I don't know if it's resources that I need. I kind of suck at giving up self harm. No matter what I try I tend to fail at it. But then again I guess doing it for the majority of my life hasn't helped either.

Yes, I mean traumatic.
Growing up I was taught no one can touch you but the doctor, mom, and dad. But one of the main abusers was my dad. It was confusing thinking what he was doing was ok because they never explained otherwise.
Maybe it's just me. I don't know.

I don't like hugs, but I know other people do, like family and friends, so I feel like I have to hug them. Other than that, which even then i don't really like, I don't hug or touch people. I don't like it and I don't want to be hurt or cause someone else pain.

[Heather]

If you're open to more suggestions when it comes to self-harm, I wonder if you have tried anything that is maybe a little on the edges of it, but essentially NOT harmful? For instance, a high-impact or intensity sport where you are pushing your body in a very hard way where you might be able to kind of be in that self-harm mindset (and get some of what self-harm offers you), but still be taking care of yourself?

I guess I'd also be curious if the types of self-harm you're engaging in are dangerous or all that harmful. After all, sometimes self-harm is just how someone is coping at a given time, and can even be the only way that works for the time being: if you can find ways to do it that aren't actually dangerous, it doesn't have to be so problematic.

I'm sorry to hear that you've experienced abuse and such confusing messages about touch.

I disagree that you have to hug or touch anyone if you don't want to. I winder if feeling like you are obligated to do that is something you think might be part of the feelings and fears you're having? Do you think it would help you to talk a little about how to say no to hugs and other kinds of touch?

[Science_Geek]

Sure, I'm open to suggestions.

I don't want to say what I do to harm myself out of fear of someone else reading it. That sounds selfish, but that is how I learned some of the ways I harm myself now. And that was suppose to be a self help chart forum type thing. Sorry.

I don't think they are really dangerous but a way of coping for the time being, I guess.

I'm sorry but I don't think I understand the first part of your question.

Yes, I would like to talk about that and how to say no.

Thanks

[Heather]

You get to choose what you post here no matter what, and don't need to explain if something makes you uncomfortable.

If you feel like you're not actually in danger from your brands of self-harm, and it's the way you seem to have to cope, personally (and I say this as an ex longtime self-harmer) I don't see any reason to have an issue with that. So much of this is really a very arbitrary spectrum.

What I mean with that first question in he last paragraph is that I am curious if you think that feeling like you are obligated to engage in some kind of touch might be what's making you extra uncomfortable with feelings where you want touch. In other words, if that want might amp up concerns you will do more touching you don't actually want to choose, even if you have a desire to be touched. Does that make sense?

In terms of hugging or other kinds of touch you feel obligated to do but don't want, I'd suggest you just start by saying no to people you feel pretty sure will respect that boundary, even if they might not like or understand it. People who you can say, "No thank you, I actually don't feel comfortable hugging (or whatever kind of touch it is)," to. It might help to know that you aren't alone in this. Lots of people -- including some major groups, like survivors of some kinds of abuse or people on the autism spectrum -- don't like hugging or other kinds of touch, or doing it in just any situation, with just anyone. And for people where abuse or other boundary violations occurred within their families, or with others close to them, touch from people they feel closest to can actually be MORE loaded and MORE scary.

[Science_Geek]

Thanks for understanding. I have tried stopping but only to find myself substituting it for other ways. I gave up and accepted it. Well done for giving it up...that is great.

I think I get what your saying, but my mind is going in a direction of thinking if I would abuse someone. Which I don't think that's what your asking. I think I'm worried, scared etc. that if I touched someone back , in a consenting way, that it would still hurt them. Granted I'm not with anyone at the moment so being touched or touching is not really available. I just don't know why this is happening now. I don't like it.

I wish there was someone around me I could practice saying no to on hugs. I would feel bad coming home for a visit and not hugging my mom or family hello after seeing them after 6+ months. Only because I feel like i should and they already make comments on either being too emotional (crying too much) or being too cold and not having any emotion.

[Heather]

If it helps, it took a long time (well over ten years) and most of all, just my life and situations changing so that I really was safe again. That and a lot of therapy. It's not easy, and in my case, it wasn't really about focusing on stopping those habits at all, but about processing the trauma that got me to that and changing my life so I was much further away from abuse and other unsafe dynamics.

I totally get feeling scared of engaging in abuse if you've been abused. I'd say that's a really common set of fears, even though I'd also say that those who worry about it? Well, they're almost never who actually winds up doing it. It's the folks who do NOT worry or think about it that seem to be those who repeat and carry on abuse. But I understand those fears and I am sorry you are having them: it really sucks to have that tangled up in something as basic as touch.

I am also sorry that where it sounds like you need boundaries the most -- with your family -- is where you feel the least able to ask for them. I disagree that anyone should ever want to hug anyone: I just don't think touch is about shoulds, since we don't owe anyone touch, that's something that is supposed to only be about what we actually want and what actually feels good to us, both physically and emotionally. I'm also sorry to hear that it sounds like your trauma is probably pretty (maybe even totally) unacknowledged by your family. I hope you at least know for yourself that either shutting your feelings down or having big ones are both totally okay responses to trauma and ways to try and protect yourself.

[Science_Geek]

That sounds amazing. Good job. Maybe one day that will happen for me.

Thank you for understanding. I vaguely remember talking about good touch and bad touch. But I also remember having issues with it and not understanding how any of that could be good.

Family knows about the trauma but they dont know the impact it has had. My family has always seemed to be a don't say anything to anyone even other family members about certain things. To this day i don't think half of my family knows.

I do now, thanks. Heck, I still struggle to accept this snd all the other abuse and trauma is not my fault.

[Heather]

Families that don’t talk about abuse are exactly part of why abuse can flourish so easily within them, alas. It’s practically a requirement for a family or most of its members to be tight-lipped, especially about abuse, for abuse to not just happen, but continue. It also makes it very hard to end the cycle of abuse in families, so I hope you give yourself credit for being willing to talk with anyone about it. It’s so hard, even when it’s somewhere like this, but it also has such a big impact, not just on your own coping and healing, but in making abuse less likely to continue into new generations of a family.

And of course this isn’t your fault. It’s just not. <3

[Science_Geek]

Thank you so much.

I wanted to let you all know I finally received an appointment fate with a psychologist. It's not till the 2nd week of August but I hope it will help. I am a little nervous as this will be my first male therapist. He did my intake and somehow I felt really comfortable with him. But now that I have date, I feel better, but also a little scared.

[Siân]

Hi Science_Geek,

That's great news. I'm sorry to hear that it's still a little way off, but hopefully it feels like a bit of a milestone. I'm so pleased that it's with someone you felt comfortable with at intake, although nerves are understandable too. Would you like to talk a little about your thoughts for your first session with him? We can also help you come up with a bit of a plan to make the most of it if it's helpful?

[Science_Geek]

Hi.

Thanks. Sure. I am nervous around guys, and nervous talking about the abuses and that kind of stuff. And the 2 guys I have talked to about it I have known them for years before opening up about it. I'm nervous talking about the abuse in general and since most of it had been sexual abuse it kind of spirals down to being nervous talking about sex. I have only met this therapist once, during the intake, but have talked on the phone to him a few times today. I have such phone anxiety, but it actually felt ok talking to him on the phone.

I'm worried this steadiness will go away and I'll become nervous and scared.

[Mo]

It's possible that you will feel more nervous and scared as this appointment gets closer, or for other reasons relating to your abuse; sadly, those negative feelings can come in waves. The process of healing and recovery after abuse isn't always going to be a straight line that's only going up; it's normal to have those fluctuations.
Of course we want you to feel better all the time, and not have any anxiety spikes at all - but if they do happen, know that it isn't a sign that you aren't getting better overall, or that you won't get back to that calmer, happier place.

[Science_Geek]

Thanks. I just hope this helps as this is my last option before I move in 2 years.
I hope I can do this. For some reason it feels different this time, compared to my other therapists in the past. May be I am starting to want to get better or maybe he was just that easy to talk to that it was like talking to a friend back home.

I hope I can continue to be honest with him and still feel comfortable. Maybe one day I can talk outloud about my orientation confusion and be ok.