Friend Breakup

[Laima]

Backstory:

So, I’ve been taking salsa classes for almost 2 years, and I’ve made a lot of friends. One of them, who I’ll call L, is a really close friend who I’ve known for over a year.

Last January, I started to develop feelings for him. I thought it was just a silly crush, but my feelings for him became more intense over the next few months.

So, last May, I decided to talk to him about it. Although L didn’t feel the same way, he still considered me to be one of his closest friends. I felt a lot better after we talked, because I was worried that my crush would ruin our friendship. But, my feelings eventually went away.

Last June, for my birthday, my family and I went to a restaurant that hosted salsa lessons. I invited a few of my friends (including L) to the restaurant so they could celebrate with me. My mom later mentioned to me that L seemed aloof and didn’t engage with me. I hadn’t noticed at the time. However, at a different social dance, I started to notice his aloofness more. So in response, I decided to be less warm and friendly, and more distant.

Now, for most of July, I haven’t been to salsa due to work and summer classes. But, I did go this week, because it was my instructor’s birthday. Although L and I did chat a little (eg “Hey, how are you?”, etc), he seemed friendlier towards my other friends, as well as my brother who takes salsa with me. Granted, that could be because I was a little aloof towards him.

While I don’t have feelings for L anymore, a part of me wonders if I still want to be friends with him. But, another part of me feels guilty like I screwed something up.

Basically, should I try to rekindle our friendship, or should I just let us drift apart?

TL;DR

I’m starting to feel distant from my best friend, should I try to make up with him, or should I we stop being friends?

[Siân]

Hi Laima,

I'm sorry things have become strained between you and L. I can't tell you whether to try and rekindle your friendship or let it go, because I'm not you, and only you know how you feel about that and how important it is to you. Let's think about both options then:

Firstly, it's sad but sometimes we have friendships that are important to us for a while but as one or both of us grow and change they stop being such a good fit - just like romantic relationships. When they end it isn't always about someone doing something wrong, it's just time. Another reason a friendships can end is when someone realises that it isn't a good or healthy relationship for them and they decide to let it go.

That said, all our relationships with people can have ups and downs and misunderstandings that don't have to spell the end, they're just a sign that we need to have a think about what needs to change or improve to make that relationship better. That might involve having an honest conversation where we say something like "X made things a little weird, and I felt hurt when Y, I'm sorry that I Z, I value this friendship so what shall we do to keep it awesome?"

So what do you want to do? How do you feel about this friendship - has it generally been good and supportive? How do you think a conversation like the one I described above would go?

[Laima]

Hi Siân,

Thank you for your advice.

I’d say our friendship is generally supportive. L has given me advice regarding college courses. And, when he was recovering from a foot injury, I reassured him that he was doing really well in salsa class, and that he shouldn’t push himself too hard.

However, I’m a little scared about initiating a conversation with him. While L probably wouldn’t take it the wrong way, I’m afraid I might come across as clingy or overthinking things.

[Mo]

You know, one thought I have about coming across as clingy is that it really isn't unusual or "needy" to check in with a friend about how your friendship is going. Those conversations can be awkward sometimes - even if things are going well on all sides - but I think that if someone is uncomfortable just with being asked to talk openly about their feelings, then there's probably going to be an issue with the friendship whether or not you talk about it directly. Does that make sense?

If you do start to feel like this friendship might not be one you want to put a lot of effort into, I think it's fine to either explicitly say that or just fade out your contact a bit.

[Laima]

Hello again,

First I want to say thank you to Siân and Mo for their advice.

Last month, I decided to talk to L. He told me that everything was fine between us. But, he didn’t feel comfortable hanging out one on one, because he’s in a relationship with one of our other friends.

I understood and told him I didn’t mean to make things uncomfortable for him.

So, I’ve decided to give him space and instead spend more time with my other friends.

Recently, l’ve started coming to salsa classes regularly again, but L and I hardly talk at all.

While I know that I chose to distance myself from him, I still feel a little sad when I’m around him.

Is it normal to feel this way? How can I feel less sad?

[Heather]

I'd say it's normal to feel disappointed and sad when we have feelings for someone they don't share or reciprocate, for sure. Especially when we already know them well and already have a relationship of some kind with them.

Usually, it's mostly just about time passing, and getting used to it. That much time hasn't passed, and you are only just now seeing him again. So, I'd expect that over the next few weeks or months, it'll get a lot easier, and probably more quickly than you'd think.

[solareclipse94]

Hello Laima,

I had something that is kinda similar happen to me recently.

I had a friend for 7 years before something happened. The story is a little long, but here it is.

So one day my friend, lets call her S, asked me and a couple of my other friends to help her with a problem she had. I confronted the source of the problem, I'll call him Y, and he denied ever saying what he said to S.

S got mad at me for helping with her problem. I told her that I couldn't put my trust in her anymore after she yelled at me for trying to help her. She said and I quite "Ok then. I'll drop you out of my life." S chose Y over me.

I then told my other friends and two of them were on my side and 1 was neutral on the situation.

Later that day, a friend from Utah sent me a song (cause I posted something on my Instagram story that said "Does anyone have any depressing songnsugesstions for me?"). So when I listened to the song that he sent to me, I bawled even harder than I did earlier that day. And the sad thing is that I cried when I lost someone I knew for 7 years and not when someone dumped me.