Have you ever had relationship expectations that turned out to be unrealistic?

[Sam W]

I know I've definitely had that experience. I was reading through some pieces on the site today that reminded me of how often we enter into relationships with a very unrealistic idea of how those relationships (this happens most often when we're young, but it definitely happens to plenty of adults). I was reminded of how, when I first started dating as a teenager, I assume that being in a relationship meant you wouldn't be attracted to anyone else (and if you were that was a sign that something was wrong). Now I understand that crushes and attraction to people besides your partner happen often in relationships and there's nothing wrong with that. It's simply part of how attraction works for many people. I wish I'd figured that out sooner, because it would have saved teenage-me a lot of stress.

How about y'all? Have you experienced any relationship expectations that turned out to be way off base?

[Bessie F.]

Just recently I had a friend (whose 19 and starting their first relationship) ask me if it was a bad sign that he still thought people other than their partner were attractive. Seems like a common misconception.

For me, it was believing that it was necessary to spend most-to-all of my time with my partner for the relationship to work. Way off base. Three years in on a long distance relationship, this has clearly been proven wrong.

[Mo]

When I first started dating in my early teens, I was so sure that having a relationship would solve my self-esteem issues. I didn't feel great about myself, but I figured that if I knew someone else liked me, I could also feel better about myself. Of course, that didn't work! It did feel good to know other people like me but that knowledge didn't negate my negative self-image. I really did think a relationship would "fix" things in my life, and learned pretty quickly that that just wasn't going to be the case.

[bikinksterboy]

I used to think I'd be able to "fix" or "make better" people just by being in a relationship with them. It was probably from a place of naiveté more than anything, assuming I could just make years of trauma or intense emotions built up over months simply go away

[Rachel M]

For many years (and even still this is something I have to struggle with) I saw being in a romantic relationship as the ultimate goal, and assumed that reaching that goal would solve all of life's problems. I think this comes specifically from being raised as a woman, where we are taught that our value and happiness comes from our ability to find a mate. I've learned that a long-term romantic relationship is not the key to happiness, that they aren't for everyone, and that there are many ways to fill the spaces in your life that you think a relationship will fill.

[Arasia]

I used to have a list of "deal-breakers" for dating. If a guy did anything on the list, I promised myself I would not date him. On one hand, the list was sensible, but at the same time it was very black-and-white and left no room for a situation in which I might change my worldview.
My SO and I grew up in very different cultures, with differing beliefs in many areas. While I was first dating him, he would participate in one of the things on my "deal breaker" list, and it really disturbed me. I felt like there could only be two outcomes: either he quit the thing he was participating in, or our relationship would fail. I felt like my "deal breaker" list was some kind of safety net--and if I changed my mind about the standards I had on it, I'd be failing myself.
I eventually came to realize that my understanding of the world had evolved since I made that list, years ago. I realized that I could, in fact, change my mind about what was and was not a "deal breaker." I decided that I trusted my SO. I have learned that it's okay to let go of black-and-white thinking, and that I don't need my SO to live like I do, for me to feel safe.

[Jacob]

This is such a good topic.

I think one thing I have changed is that after some really rough break ups, I decided that I wanted to only have relationships which felt like they would end amicably if they did end.

I still think that's a good thing to aim for but realistically speaking, in real life, things get messy. People's reactions aren't predictable and I don't think it's unhealthy to break up, and if one or both of us is angry or I feel so upset I can't keep contact, it's not something that it is fair for me to try to control, it's more something that I have to accept and work on.

[Hollytiger]

Wow, reading through these responses is proving strangely cathartic. I'm realizing I'm not the only one who pursued things with unrealistic expectations. I've been beating myself up a bit for it recently - but knowing others feel or have felt similar ways makes me feel less alone.

I think my biggest expectation was that becoming physically intimate with someone - particularly through intercourse - meant that I was in a relationship with them after the fact. Like it meant that they would commit to me or something just because we did that. I have since learned that is clearly not the case.

But I can really relate to other things already said here - such as a long-term relationship being the end goal for happiness, trying to "fix" others through the prospect of a relationship, and actually also the notion of having attraction to someone outside your relationship means something is wrong.