Healing from sexual abuse/assault

[Jess@888]

Heather, I read your post about, “Dealing with Rape”. This post should me what I need to address as I am still struggling with minimilization, dramazation, flight, and explanation. I am getting better each day as I do sometimes grief what my dad and ex did. I never knew sexual abuse/ assault would occur without force or threats. I did not know there were sexual contact and non sexual contact; rape can be coerced as penetration can be with any object. This is not easy, but I know talking if needed, counseling, writing, listening to music, reading, and praying has been helping me. Right now, praying has not been on my list unfortunately.

[Heather]

How can I help you out from here?

I also hope that whatever your faith is, it recognizes that praying is something largely for you, so when it's not something that is helping you, it's okay for you not to do it. As well, some survivors of certain religions can find that their religion or its practices -- or history -- don't feel like a safe or supportive or helpful place sometimes, or even all the time. If that's the case, that's okay, too.

[Jess@888]

In some ways, I know that I am serving my faith to my best ability. I feel disconnected and lost since I found out has happened to me. Although, it is getting better for me I still struggle with this at times. This whole month has been emotional and stressful for me. My faith has helped me get through these hard times, but at the same time I feel like my God is there for me, but I feel ashamed to be in His presence. Now, I am working on getting calm in stressful and emotional time as if I do feel triggered I take a break and remind myself I am moving forward from my past. Also, I loved gaping as it did relax me!

[Heather]

How's it going with your counseling?

[Jess@888]

It is going well! My counselor told me that I am grieving what happened as I connected the dots to the events. Other than that, I am doing better however stressed as I started college yesterday.

[Heather]

That's great. And congratulations! For sure, starting college is usually VERY stressful, so it's not surprising you've been having a harder time of it lately!

[Jess@888]

Thank you! Is it normal to feel dissociative and numb when stressed because I have been experiencing both. I had two bad days when I started college which caused me to react badly. Do you know where I can get help because I struggle with suicide and self harm thoughts. I hate that I am relapsing, but I want to get the right help because this is temporary.

[Heather]

If it's normal for you, yep. How people respond to trauma and experience PTSD is really individual. But yes, general stress is often a PTSD trigger and dissociation and feeling numb are common things people with PTSD deal with.

Did something change with your counselor? Are you not talking to them anymore? If not, that is the right person to get help from with these things and, if they don't treat any of them, to get a referral from to someone who does.

In the event something happened and you are not seeing her anymore or able to ask her for help, I'd suggest starting by finding out what the mental health resources are at your college and using those, unless you prefer to get mental health elsewhere.

[Jess@888]

I had counseling with her, and everything went good. However, last week was extremely stressful as I had some car troubles and started college. On Sun, my car was towed and the guy who towed it kept telling me how beautiful I was and he said that I am the girl of his dreams. The problem is he can be my grandpa and I am a young adult. I am interested, but I do not want to put myself in bad situations.

[Jacob]

Hi Jess!

Just stepping in briefly. I hope that's ok.

I just want to recognise that that guy sounds creepy to me. With such a significance age difference, as well being a man AND being the person towing your car comes a lot of ways to feel powerful, especially when you are someone who really does want to feel good and appreciated. It just isn't appropriate for him in a situation like that to sexualize you. I really believe you deserve a whole bunch more respect than that!

I will say it sounds like something that could be really good to add to your conversations with your counsellor. When we are dealing with trauma there can be lots of situations where being mistreated by strangers are influenced by how we are recovering. So talking it all through can be the thing that helps the most.

[Jess@888]

Thank you, Jacob! I cut off all contact with him today. He was extremely concerned about getting in trouble. I have no idea why he wanted to date a girl who was starting to enjoy freedom. I hate the fact my car was towed by him and I hope my car gets fixed soon. How come he wanted to date me? Why was he jealous about my exes and guys I made out?

[Sam W]

Hi Jess,

We can't really know why this guy wanted to date you, although we do know from general patterns that older men who pursue significantly younger women often do so because they see those women as more vulnerable and more willing to tolerate boundary-pushing behavior that women their own age would be (Heather does a great job breaking down these issues in more detail in this article: Why I Deeply Dislike Your Older Boyfriend ) . Does that make sense?

The fact that he hit on you while he had two elements of power over you (towing your car and his own age) combined with him already getting jealous of past partners is a whole lot of red flags going up at once, so I think it was a great step in taking care of yourself to cut contact with him. I'm with Jacob in that he was giving me major creepy vibes, and that this situation could be a great thing to talk about with your counselor.

[Jess@888]

Thank you, Sam for your advice and resources! Until this day, I will never understand why he targeted me in this situation except the fact he had power and was extremely older than me. Next time I have counseling, I will be talking about this situation since it was creepy and dangerous. I cut all contact since I knew it was wrong and he had bad motives.

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I'm glad they were helpful! Cutting all contact and bringing this up with your therapist at the next session both sound like great ways of taking care of yourself.

Is there anything else we can help you out with, or that you want to talk about, right now?

[Jess@888]

I talked about these circumstances with my counselor two days ago. The creepy guy’s grandson texted me on Sat and it was awkward at first. As we started talking, I saw we had similar interests. He said that he thinks I am stunning and he wants to meet me as he feels like he has know me all of his life. This feels different from my exes since it feels genuine. He has not texted since Sat and he is planning on coming down to Florida. I am being vigilant, but I do not have any gut feelings as I had with my ex whom sexually assaulted me last year.

[Heather]

Am I understanding correctly that now you are being contacted by the grandson of the man who towed your car? If so, how did this guy get your number? Why is he texting you?

Personally, I would not advise engaging in this kind of conversation with someone who a) it seems like was given your number by his grandfather, who did not have good boundaries with you, and b) is not only invading your privacy by texting you without knowing you, but is talking about you appearance from the front and professing deep feelings when you have never even met him (he obviously can't feel any way about you if he doesn't even know you). I certainly would not suggest meeting this person. This all sounds super red-flag to me.

[Heather]

By the way, in case it helps -- and if this is super-obvious to you so sounds patronizing, my apologies -- I think it's always safe to say that ANYTIME someone contacts us directly via personal information (like a phone number) we did not give them, we should be very wary of them from the front. Especially if they violate our privacy like that to make any kind of romantic or sexual overture.

Basically, they are telling us, with that action, right away that they clearly do not understand healthy boundaries. With healthy boundaries, we ASK someone for personal information like a phone number before calling or texting them. With healthy boundaries, we don't make these kinds of overtures to someone who we haven't even met, and who doesn't even know who we are to say if they want that kind of attention from us. We don't just text them out of nowhere with this kind of stuff: that's just not okay. Make sense?

[Jess@888]

Yes, it does make sense and it is understandable.

[Jess@888]

How come this older man targeted me and wanted to hook me up with his grandson?

[Heather]

Probably because this guy does this generally. In other words, you probably aren't the first young woman he has done this to, and that he did it is probably much more about him than it is about you.

But it might also have gone this way in part because -- like so many women, as this is how almost all of us are raised -- you probably were very polite when you shut Grandpa down, instead of telling him that the way he was behaving with you was totally unacceptable for instance, or telling him you would be calling the service he worked for, or filing a report about his business with the Better Business Bureau, because sexually harassing customers is not okay and you will not tolerate it.

Like so many of us, you may be helped by learning to be less polite and stronger/more direct in shutting stuff like this down. That still can't prevent people from trying it in the first place, alas, but it can make it so that it gets shut down faster or shut all the way down. I'm betting, for instance, that if you had reacted in one of those ways, there's no way he would have given his grandson your information because he'd have been risking his business or job.

None of that makes what either of them did your fault, mind. But being more strident in your shutdowns can help them to be more effective.

[Jess@888]

My grandpa died when I was four, and my grandma died in 1996. My dad's parents rejected me twic after my dad left me for his sexual and other motives. Although I have many parental figures, mom, and family figures, it has helped to know I have people to love me, I have a mild autism form, which makes it hard for me to understand dangerous social interactions such as these. I do not know why it was hard for me to recognize this. Heather, I wish I had a dad to teach me boundaries while growing up and I am learning that the hard way.

[Heather]

Jess: I'm off today, so won't be around, but I was just swinging by because I wanted to check up on you after this.

Being on the spectrum absolutely often makes figuring out social cues -- including cues someone might be predatory -- harder, especially when someone's predatory behaviour is couched in friendly terms, so the message being sent looks like someone being nice. That's hard for anyone to often figure out, but it's even tougher for folks on the spectrum (including because sometimes people pick up on that and get extra predatory). Have you ever read any relationship/social/sex ed guides meant for people with autism? If not, there are a couple I like and have shared with others before I'd be glad to suggest. If your library doesn't have them, you could request them.

I'm really sorry that you have had to fend for yourself so much when it comes to your family and upbringing. I can relate to that, and I know it's tough, especially when you have early sexual abuse in the mix. We obviously can't stand in for all of that, but I'm certainly happy to pitch in and at least be part of giving you some online community and support to lean on.

[Jess@888]

Heather, I would love to have those resources and thank you. My mom is the only person in my family that has truly been there for me. I will never thought that my dad will domestically violate me as I met him the first time. Thank you so much, Heather!

[Sam W]

Hi Jess, just wanted to let you know that this has been seen and that Heather will have those resource recommendations for you when they're next here.

[Heather]

I'm really glad you've had at least one member of your family who has been there for you. I absolutely understand how isolating it can feel to be in the world, and trying to figure it out, without much or any family you can trust.

In terms of books, a few I think are good and may be useful to you are:
• Putting this one first since I think this may be the most useful to you right now: Parties, Dorms and Social Norms: A Crash Course in Safe Living for Young Adults on the Autism Spectrum by Lisa Meeks and Tracy Loye Masterson
• Making Sense of Sex: A Forthright Guide to Puberty, Sex and Relationships for People with Asperger's Syndrome by Sarah Attwood
• A 5 Is Against the Law! Social Boundaries: Straight Up! An honest guide for teens and young adults by Kari Dunn Buron

I do not have and have not read this one myself, but it also looks like it might be a good fit for you right now: The Aspie Girl's Guide to Being Safe with Men: The Unwritten Safety Rules No-one is Telling You
by Debi Brown. The author is on the spectrum herself, too.

You can just show this list to your librarian at your local branch, and if they don't have any or all of them, ask them to request them for you. (I don't know how familiar you are with libraries.)