Healing from sexual abuse/assault

[Jess@888]

Thank you, Heather! Today was emotional as I remembered 9/11. I forgot to take my purity ring out of the spar on I was wearing for work, but I found out. However, I lost my car keys at my college campus. I searched for three hours but it was put it in lost and found tonight. Hopefully, I can get them soon.

[Heather]

Ooof, that sounds like a terrible day. I'm so sorry!

[Jess@888]

How come coercion is considered sexual assault? How come I consider myself sexually assaulted when my ex did rape me as he coerced me to do oral and have my vagina penetrated. It felt like I was being pressured, not forced.

[Jess@888]

For the emotional part, it felt like he was forcing me to do sexual things emotionally.

[Heather]

Consensual sex is about people making a free choice. Sexual abuse/assault is about someone doing something sexual to someone else who isn’t making a free choice, or by taking that choice away.

That’s something someone can do to a person with physical force, but it’s also something someone can do with emotional force, which is a pretty sound way to think about what coercion is. Make sense?

[Jess@888]

Yes, thank you. How come my ex wanted me to shave my pubic hair and dress a certain way for him? I felt like I was his sexual ploy. Is this sexual abuse and how come I am starting to realize he did rape me although he did not force me to do sexual things. I am starting to process these things to move forward. How come I have a feeling that e old man who towed my car was involved with sex trafficking and his grandson has not responded and I realized this was suspicious.

[Heather]

I can't speak to those feelings you had save to say that it's unlikely any of that was about sex trafficking, just because it is not something that happens with the kind if frequency people think. But clearly, both of their behavior was unsafe and untoward and there are sound reasons not to feel safe and to be suspicious just based on how they behaved alone. Neither was respectful of very basic boundaries with you.

In terms of your ex, people certainly can have some things they like sexually about a partner and how they present, like how they dress or groom. But in healthy relationships where people are treated with respect, everyone should feel free to dress as THEY want to and groom how THEY want to, even if a partner's preferences don't align with theirs. If and when a partner doesn't make room for that, then what they're usually doing is engaging in controlling behavior, which is not okay and which is a form of emotional abuse. And by all means, how it feels when someone does that to you often very much feels like just being a sexual toy or vehicle.

I'm sorry you've been through all of this, but I hope you're proud of yourself for coming so far from it.

[Jess@888]

Thank you, Heather! This has been hard as I dealt with my dad and ex at the same time. With the old man and grandson, it was visions as it was a nightmare to know how they were using me. With my ex, I will consider oral sex and fingering as rape since it was coerced to get me to do it as I said no. When I would touch his penis, I became catatonic as I stared at his face as tears streamed. He would make me do oral sex to get him to masturbate as he made me do weird things. During this, I felt confused and used as I was shaking. For penetrating my vagina, he did not care about what I thought I told him to stop and pushed him away that he was hurting me and I had to use the bathroom. When he was fingering my clitoris, I started to orgasm and he put his arm around me and he used his other to shut me up. Till this day, I feel guilty for orgasming. I hope one day I will enjoy sex because it is perverted right now.

[Sam W]

Hi Jess, I hope you don't mind my chiming in briefly.

All the reactions you had to what your ex did are okay, and many of them are more common than a lot of survivors realize. Things like freezing, shaking, or blanking out (which is what it sounds like you mean when you say you'd become catatonic) are all reactions that the body can have to a stressful or frightening stimulus (and are also all reactions that would make a caring partner stop dead in their tracks rather than force you to be sexual). There are also plenty of survivors who orgasm during an assault (and many express guilt or frustration that their bodies reacted that way). But bodies can be stimulated to a reaction against someone's will, so orgasm is not somehow "proof" that an assault was actually wanted, and it's certainly not your fault that it happened. Does that help a little bit?

In terms of enjoying sex in the future, I think it's very likely that as you continue to heal from your assault you'll find yourself reconnecting to your sexuality in positive ways. When I used to lead a support group for survivors, reclaiming sexuality after an assault was a common topic among the attendees, so you're not alone in how you're feeling. We may have spoken about it before in one of your threads, and Heather may have mentioned them by name, but there are a few books on this topic can be really helpful for survivors. Have you taken a look at any resources like that?

[Jess@888]

Thank you, Sam! I have not looked at any of those resources, but I will be interested. I know that I am straight/ asexual, but one day when I am with a person who truly loves me I do not want to be scared of the things that happened. I did not know all the emotions was feeling were normal after my what happened. I am still continuing to move forward and healing.

[Sam W]

You're welcome! The resources we recommend often are the books "Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma" and "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" both by Stacie Haines (EDIT: These are actually two different editions of the same text, not two separate books). So that could be a really great starting place for you, even if you feel like a point where you'd like to be sexual (or romantic) with someone is a ways away (and it helps to remember that some survivors do need support in reconnecting with themselves sexually, in case that applies to you). There are also a few advice columns on the site that cover those topics in case you need them now or in the future: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... nd_assault
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... mate_again

You're certainly not alone in not knowing what kind of responses are common for survivors during an assault. The standard cultural picture of assault still assumes there's only a fight or flight response (even though we know that freezing is equally as common), and that each survivor is going to reach in their own, specific way.

[Jess@888]

Thank you, Sam! This source has helped others and me to heal from sexual trauma. I am still healing, but I am getting better each day. I am looking forward to the future as I am in college and working. School was hard as my ex would intimidate when I passed him by giving me a cold look. Which is that normal after rape since he went to the same school. School sucked as I fought to stand strong and I did. I am hoping one day I can enjoy sex with the right person, which will happen one day.

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm so, so glad this resource has continued to be helpful to you

[JackHamilton]

where is dealing with rape post? I REALLY need it,as I feel dirty cause of my sexual assault and cause of my fetish.And I can't get my rapist out of my head.

[Alice O]

Hey JackHamilton,

I will share a link to that article in your other thread.