Friends

[JackHamilton]

So until about 40 days ago,I had a perfect best friend who lived in Israel (born in Russia) and we skyped every other day for couple of years.He has promised me to come visit me in my country and even bought the plane tickets,when suddenly,he said he doesn't care about me anymore and that he is not coming to visit me.I was so so so angry.He promised.He was my only friend.Mum said he chickened out.Possibly.He has Avoidant Personality Disorder and he had no friends other then me.But to tell me he doesn't care about me and doesn't miss me...Jerkish behavior.It almost broke me.

So,anyway,I am kinda friendless.Well,in the picture are my old friend Snježana,with whom I had no contact in a year and my drug dealer who just comes to bring me weed (I decided to stop,though,cause marijuana gives me terrible paranoias like that my eye sight will worsen,that I'll suffocate myself from it etc).So I thought of calling Snježana but my mum says she is weird.She kinda is,and doesn't talk much,could be related to her Paranoid Schizophrenia,but like,I have psychosis too...I met 2 great girls while I was in mental hospital last time,one who shared my sexual orientation and personality disorder,but I lost her number.Maybe that's good though,cause she uses heavy drugs,although she was a good person,at least I think.Another girl was super great and had the same,somewhat rare, type of epilepsy like I have,and didn't do drugs nor anything illegal,but since I was completely messed up when I was hospitalized,I never asked her for her number.I made out with this hot girl Silvija,she was the prettiest girl in the ward,but I never asked for her number cause,you see,I never told her I have female body.I was simply successful at hiding my boobs and feminine characteristics,and pretended like I am a cisgender boy.So I thought she would find out about me,and I didn't want that.Also,she lived very far from me,so the relationship wouldn't work out anyway.

So tbh I'm kinda nervous to call Snježana cause we didn't talk in so long.I don't have any friends from high school. I had this friend for about a month,and we even had friendship bracelets,but when I told her I had a crush on a girl from my class,she stopped talking to me and didn't even look at me in the school hallway.I was heart-broken.

When I was hospitalized one time before last time,I met a cool guy there,he was a really really nice person,but my dad thought he was trouble (cause all guys in my life were trouble,except,ironically,him)so he didn't allow me to go to coffee with him.And I ONLY wanted to be friends with him.Just friends and he also wanted to be just friends,too.

When I used to volonteer with kids without families,some with special needs,some from dysfunctional families I volonteered together with couple of women but they were all older and more mature then me.(I eventually had to stop volonteering because my depression became so severe I barely got out of bed).I'm thinking of volonteering again,but I'm very nervous.I am scared people won't like me.I'm scared of calling Snježana,too.I don't know what to do.I am in good relationship with my uncle (a family-like relationship,not dating kind of relationship),who is 9 years older then me,but we don't have much in common.Should I hang out with uncle or Snježana or both,and should I volonteer? And how do I get confidence and feeling of self worth? Cause I feel like a horrible person because of some things I did in the past.And I feel disgusting cause of my fetish and my body is hideous and I look odd...Help I can't keep on living with this guilt I have nor with feeling like I am less worthy then others nor with the fact that I will never have enough money for a penis and I am always unfulfilled and empty and people close to me misgender me and I have 'blunted affect' (a so called negative symptom of psychosis) but there is no cure for negative symptoms there are only meds that work on so called 'positive' symptoms of psychosis,such as hallucinations and delusions. About the guilt,I mentioned it to my therapist,twice,and he just said that that is past,and that I can't change it,and shouldn't think about it but just to decide to be a better person in the future.But the guilt doesn't go away.It never will.I feel damaged,my last boyfriend didn't respect me at all and we were so goddamn immature and called each other "gay" "no you are gay" "i am manlier" "no i am manlier then you" and he was sometimes mean to me,and one time spied on me when I was in the bathroom changing clothes.

Where is a good place to find friends?
How does one person forgives themselves for something bad they did?
How do I feel worthy again?