I am weird and I hate it!

[JackHamilton]

Ok so I have MULTIPLE rare sexual disorders,the biggest one I haven't mentioned here.That makes me feel weird.Also, I have this thoughts like: I imagine I and my parents are kidnapped by a very mean person and that that person asks us some questions about life and that if one of us says a wrong answer that person dies,or is tortured.
Also,I have a fetish.Also,I am slightly overweight.Also,I suffer psychosis and borderline personality disorder,which means I'm mental.Also,I have been hospitalized SIX times in mental hospital.Also,I am epileptic and when I have seizures in front of people I am incredibly ashamed.Also,I have no friends,which makes me feel super weird.Also,I think I don't look the best.Also,I have nothing to talk about.Like seriously.I spend my days mostly in my room,on laptop either watching TV shows or Skype,TrevorSpace,Instagram,Youtube etc.Too much using laptop.I also read a lot,but I need an outside activity,but with seizures I have every day,currently I can't go anywhere without someone going with me,because at any time of a day I can get a seizure.Also,my grandparents and father think being trans is disgusting.
Help,how do I stop being weird? Or how do I stop feeling like a freak? Or accept that I am weird?

[Sam W]

Hi Jack,

I'm sorry you're feeling so rough right now. That does sound like a lot of things to be carrying all at once in your life. And, when multiple parts of your identity are things that people still attach some stigma to (like mental illness) or are still very marginalized (like being trans), it can make those feelings of being weird or outcast very intense.

Now, I'm someone who's definitely on team "learn to embrace your weirdness," but I also acknowledge that can be way easier said than done, especially when you're dealing with some heavy stuff. A good starting place might be: what do you think is needed for you to start accepting the things that make you feel like you're weird?

It sucks that your grandparents and your dad aren't supportive of you being trans., and I'm sorry that people who should be loving and supportive have chosen not to be. Are these people that you live with or see very often? Or do you not have much contact with them?

[JackHamilton]

I don't know,I feel less worthy then cis boys,cis male teens and cis adult men.They are what I always wanted to be: regular guy.I am a mistake

[Heather]

Patriarchy makes it so that pretty much everyone feels less worthy than cisgender men, unfortunately. But that can hit particular people extra-hard, and trans guys are absolutely one of those groups. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way.

Of course, feeling that way -- whether you feel that way because of gender dysphoria, your mental illness, patriarchy or all the other things that can influence these ways of feeling -- doesn't make it true. In reality, no one is more "worthy" or has more value as a person than anyone else. In reality, there is no "regular" guy, because in reality men -- both cisgender and not -- are deeply diverse.

Are you familiar with this resource: http://transaid.hr/ ? I ask because one thing you might look into is what, if any LGBTQ support groups, online or off, might be available for you. I recognize your seizure disorder is currently (from the sounds of things) not responding to treatment, so makes getting out difficult, but you never know: it could be there is a support group you could access in-person and someone from it may be able to help you get there and back.

[JackHamilton]

Yeah,I've been to groups before,but I don't find them helpful.To be perfectly honest,I'd like to go to children's transgender groups.Even though I'm not a child.But like in my mind maybe I still am? I am late in development,all doctors agree,but I am one of the rare ones,they say,because I am not also autistic or mentally retarded.Like,when I was 18 I watched TV shows for 12 year olds,wanted to play with children's toys,tried ordering hidden cameras to play with in school,I had imaginary friends,I talked like a child etc
That's weird.For my 21st birthday I bought myself toy remote control car.And watched a TV show about mermaids.Was jealous of my 8 year old cousin...

[Alice O]

Hey JackHamilton,

In terms what trans groups might be a good fit for you, given that you are 23 I don't think children's groups are an option. My guess is, even if you were able to go, you would realize it actually wasn't a great fit for you. Even though you may share similar interests or mannerisms, having lived longer you have had more time to learn about yourself and the world and I think you might find younger children can't quite keep up yet. That being said, I hear you that you're average adult LGBT group hasn't been the right fit for you. Can you say more about being "late in development"? When I get a better sense of what that means we can better brainstorm what resources might be good for you!

I also want to follow-up on what you brought up on Jess99's "Healing from sexual abuse/assault" thread. You said that you "feel dirty cause of my sexual assault and cause of my fetish. And I can't get my rapist out of my head." I am so sorry to hear that you have experienced sexual assault and that you are struggling with the after-effects of that trauma. But I also want you to know your reactions are totally normal. Here is the post you were looking for: Dealing With Rape. After you read it, feel free to let us know what thoughts or questions come up for you!

I am wondering if you are seeing a mental health counselor? You mentioned that you have Borderline Personality Disorder and deal with psychosis. In addition you mentioned having intrusive thoughts. And you shared about the sexual assault you have experienced. This, combined with all the other things you mentioned like your seizure disorder, are a whole lot for one person to handle, *especially* without the support of a mental health professional.

And am I right in thinking you are in Croatia?

Lastly, I want to say I think it's great that you know what you enjoy and are open about it. Knowing that you enjoy children's toys, children's TV shows, and things that make you feel like a child are great things to know about yourself

[JackHamilton]

Well,you are right,I am from Croatia,but I didn't want this to be public.Cause someone might recognize me,since all the experience I went through and am going through,such as being trans and 100 other things,isn't very common to happen to many people,so I didn't say it,thinking people won't know who I really am.But now you kinda said it.OR IS IT MY FAULT? DID I MENTION IT SOMEWHERE? CAUSE IF I DID I APOLOGIZE SOOO SOOO MUCH!!

Well,late in development,as kinda starting puberty in terms of mental development at around age of 17.And even when I was 18,I didn't know anything sexual.I didn't know where my clitoris was,I thought when a woman is pregnant a baby that started life in uterus travels from uterus to a belly where food is.I also thought that heterosexual sex looked like just man putting a penis in vagina without movements,like just staying there calmly with penis in vagina for 5 minutes in it.I didn't know where G spot was,either.I didn't know a cis man needs an erection for sex or masturbation, to be able to cum.At 22 I had a sex toy (a big dildo) but I didn't know I was supposed to put lubricant on it so I just pushed it raw inside,and pushed,and pushed,even though I have very tight vagina and the dildo was wide and long. And what happened is - I started to bleed.Then I stopped bleeding after like half an hour.Next hour started again.Stopped again.And like that,every other hour,for like 4 to 5 days.

I read dealing with rape but there are many facts but no advices on how to not think about the assault every day,like I do.

Yeah,I am seeing a psychiatrist who is also at the same time a therapist,specialized as a sexual therapist.We are talking about my anorgasmia for more then a year,my depression for about 3 years,psychosis for 2 years,we also talked about my disfunctional family (my shrink said it was at the time,now it probably isn't anymore),about transphobia from my father who wanted to disown me for being trans,yelled at me,insulted me and at one point,when I was eating,and he was sitting at a table too,another fight occurred and he told me "then stop eating my food".My grandparents were even worse: "a freak", "you'll never be a real man", "hide yourself cause guests are coming", "you can't go public with us,we would be embarrassed" and even worse to my mum,they verbally abused my mum to the point she almost broke.One time,me and dad had another fight,and he told me to leave the kitchen and I refused so he grabbed for my hoodie/jacket,whatever it's called,and started to push me around the kitchen,then my brother and mum came and tried to stop him and mum yelled at me: "get out of the kitchen!" I was misgendered every day.
All the things I went through since I was 16: depression,social anxiety,having no friends,frequent fights with my parents,transphobia,epilepsy,rape,gastric issues,sexual abuse,2 serious suicide attempts,intensive care hospital ward and hooked up to everything medical after them,very very strong gender dysphoria,borderline personality disorder,psychosis,a lot of guilt,still no friends,mental hospital 6 times,being drugged and robbed,biphobia,being verbally abused in hospital,got lost in the woods,being in an abusive relationship,in another relationship where I was lied to and verbally harrassed.....That's a lot to take in for someone who was still in development. (Sorry,the things I mentioned are not in order)

[Heather]

Jack, I'm afraid that I am unable to read through what you've written here in the way you have written it, so I am going to have to leave it unanswered right now.

Another staff member may find it easier to parse, but if you could edit it to add standard spaces between punctuation marks, paragraph breaks, and maybe slow down the whole thing a little bit, I feel certain no one would have to struggle to understand/read it. Thank you.

[JackHamilton]

OK.

So,I feel weird because I am trans,have a fetish,have no close friends at the moment,very few interests,I think I don't look the best,I spend too much time online,I did some very bad things I regret,I depend on my mum a lot and I think my body is disgusting.

I also just don't know how to get the rape out of my head.I'd like to know how?

No,I do have a support of a mental health professional.I told him last time about the rape,but I didn't mention I think about it every day,although I explained it to him that I searched for him online and that I hold a lot of anger towards him (the rapist).

I also kinda feel like I deserved when my grandpa sexually abused me,because after my rape,I did some bad things, too.Do you think I deserve to have a bad life because of multiple bad things I did? Cause,honestly,I'd like to kill myself. I will NOT do it,though,cause it would ruin mum's life,but that's something I really wanna do.Every day is a pain,full of guilt.I had some plans of doing things I like,but now I feel I don't deserve it.And even if I did those things,I wouldn't be able to get the guilt out of my head,so I don't know if I'd enjoy it.

[Jacob]

Hey Jack,

I know you are trying to emphasise the severity of your situation. But it is difficult to keep up.

It feels to me like we need a bit more focus.

I am writing you an answer on one of your other threads, so please hold your horses.