Their relationship is horrible and i hate it

[kapena]

My parents' relationship is toxic and I'd probably say abusive as well. Since the beginning of my teen years I started to notice that things in their relationship were totally not normal. They would swear at each other, physically fight one another, my dad would leave and then later on would come back, then after that they'd act all lovey dovey and then it'd start all over again. I tried ignoring it and writing it off as "their own problem", until it got REALLY bad this year and it started to affect me.
Back in March, my parent's were fighting in the car. I had to go outside and break it up. They both were drinking, but dad drank way more than mom. He was punching her and pulling fistfuls of her hair out. He let go of her and she told me to retrieve the box of wine that was in the car with him. I did that and got hit in the face by him and got chased into the house. He left right away that night and the next day my mom allowed him to come back.
I felt so BETRAYED and hurt. I was so angry at my mom for doing that, and I think that's what sealed the deal; I wanted nothing to do with him.

A couple months flew by, they'd have little arguments here and there along with some swearing. It crossed the line when my mom decided to get a tattoo. He was so angry at her and swore at her. Even telling her that he wanted a divorce. Weeks later they were arguing, he wanted to see who she was messaging on her phone and he later broke it. He didn't leave like he usually would, instead he stayed and said that he'd make our "lives a living hell".

I'm so confused because a couple days after that, he cried and apologized and said he wanted to change. This happened after my mom straight up told him that she was done with and didn't love him. Lately he has not verbally abused me or threatened violence or actually hit me like he did last month. He's acted super nice, but I feel like it's bullshit. Last night I heard him arguing with my mom and he swore at her . I think he even hit her because they were talking to each other on the phone and she said "my arm still hurts after you hit it".

My mom said that she was thinking of giving him another chance. I was so pissed off at that that I ignored her the whole day. After all that she and I went through, she still loves him. I made a comment like "you guys have a bad relationship" and she told me to "not to tell her what to do".

((((( I just got back from the living room because I heard my dad punching my mom, I felt like I was gonna die my heart was beating. Right now I hear him yelling at her and I don't know if the cops will be called. I'm gonna be more hurt and pissed off if they act like this didn't happen. I HATE IT. ))))

[Heather]

Kapena, I'm so sorry that there was no one here for you to talk to when you posted this last night. I'm glad you were able to get your feelings out here, but my apologies that our staffing isn't robust enough that you also couldn't get more immediate support than this.

By all means, it's clear your parents are in an abusive relationship that is at least physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. Obviously, there's substance abuse in the mix there as well, and you haven't been spared some kinds of abuse by both of them towards you, either. Your mother appears to be pretty locked into the way that the cycle of abuse works to keep people in abusive relationships (if you want to talk more about that and how it works, let me know).

I hope you're okay after last night. Please let me know what we can do for you today. At the very least, if you're open, I'd like to make sure that you have a safety plan for yourself as well as some strategies you can use when it gets extra-bad like this to protect yourself. But we can also talk more just about how you're feeling and the emotional impact this has on you, about how (and who to do it with) to report how things are in a way most likely to result in some real intervention, and about how to manage your life with all of this in it.

By the way, I see you, with your other post and your concern about your friend getting into a dodgy relationship themselves. It takes a pretty exceptional person to be living in the midst of this and still both paying that kind of close attention to others and wanting to do what you can to help people stay away from dangerous relationships. <3

[Alice O]

Hi Kapena,

Heather brought up some really important things, like a safety plan, strategies for protecting and taking care of yourself, how cycles of abuse work, etc. I will let you reply about that when you get a chance! I just wanted to pop in to say I am so sorry to hear about all this. Having to live amidst this abuse must be exceptionally painful--you are very brave. I am thinking of you and am so glad you reached out here.

[kapena]

Thank you both for your responses.
Since that night things haven't really changed. Just a couple hours ago, dad was being controlling and abusive. He also drank some bud light but I don't think he was drunk. I want to make it clear that he acts like this even when he does not drink.
He was angry that she blocked him on Facebook. (I'm telling you.. It's like whatever she posts, if he doesn't like it, he will make it a huge deal to where he's angrily shouting at her and they're both arguing.)
Anyway, he deleted songs that he did not like, on her SoundCloud account. They later went into the room and argued some more and I had to interfere because I heard sounds of hitting. I went in and they were physically fighting each other. To the point where my mom's lips were bleeding. They stopped and later on it continued again in the living room. I was yelling at him and telling him to stop and he'd tell me to shut up or threaten me with "if you don't stop talking"...

I know that dad was totally in the wrong because he acted controlling and he said really messed up things like "if you don't want to get beat then don't start shit", " I'm your husband and you're my fucking wife you need to know your place".
I overheard him telling her that he does this to her because he loves her.
Two months ago, he said the same thing. He told me that he thought that when he said bad stuff to us, swear at us, hit my mom, and verbally and emotionally abuse me, that no matter what we would still love him. I think that's a twisted definition of love and it's messed up.

Heather you mentioned the cycle of abuse in your reply, help me out and let me know more please.
And about that safety plan.. I don't think I have anything like that planned. Idk I'm thinking that maybe next time me and my sister can just hop in the car and drive off but then that would leave my mom behind. Usually after they stop fighting, they try to go back and make things 'normal'. So it's like.. Why would I need to leave if I know that things will settle down later. But if anything I need to make a plan.. It's just I have to think about how.

I felt helpless, watching them fight each other but then again I also felt like 'this isn't new', angry and annoyed. My 12 year old sister was freaking out and would not stop crying.
I honestly just wish my mom would tell him to get the hell out, or divorce.. But that's not my choice to make. I feel more hurt and pissed off and it's like.. The thought of it happening again is giving me grief.

[Sam W]

Hi Kapena,

Not to sound like a broken record, but I'm so sorry you're in this situation right now. But I also want to commend you for the fact that you can tell this is messed up and are trying to get support. When people grow up in abusive households, sometimes the abuse starts to feel so normal that they don't feel like anything is wrong. By realizing that this is not okay, you're taking a huge step in taking care of yourself and that takes a lot of strength.

So, Heather mentioned the cycle of abuse. I'm going to quote from this article, Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault ,(which goes into more detail) to show you what that cycle looks like:
"1) A honeymoon or seduction phase (some people call it the remorse stage), a state when both partners are happy to be in a relationship, and at a point where the relationship is enjoyable, romantic. This phase can feel like a time when there isn't any abuse, even though it's a key part of abuse, since without it, no one would wind up in an abusive relationship or stay in one: it's the "hook" an abusive person relies on to get their partner and keep their partner sticking around.

2) The tension phase, when the couple is getting into small arguments, and the abuser becomes frustrated with their partner. Even if an abused partner tries very hard not to do things they know will lead to attacks, an abuser will usually find, during this phase, things which will eventually result in the next phase.

3) The last stage is the abuse phase, or the explosion phase, where one specific incident leads to an explosion of anger, in the form of physical, sexual, verbal or other attacks.

4) The abuser then quickly defaults into the honeymoon or seduction phase to make up for their behavior. They will probably apologize at this time, may give gifts or be very romantic, and even though they may also still tell the abused person the explosion was that person's fault, not their own, they will generally try and be as nice as they can, and try and gain the sympathy of the person they are abusing."

When you notice things returning to "normal" what your noticing is the honeymoon or remorse phase kicking in. But part of the reason we emphasize the cycle is to help people understand that no matter how normal or good things seem at one point, the abuse will start again. So if someone wants to be free or safe from that abuse, they have to get out, because those normal patches don't last. You've got a voice inside you saying "get out," and that voice knows what it's talking about.

Which brings us to safety planning, both in the short term and the long term. I think a good starting place is for you to take time to read through this article: The Scarleteen Safety Plan . Then we can talk about what things you already have that can be used for the safety plan and what barriers you might be facing. Does that sound good?

It does sound like you'll need to include your sister in your safety plan because this is understandably terrifying for her and the other people in her life who can keep her safe aren't doing so. In the meantime, do you (and she) think you could leave the house when you feel things starting to get tense? And, in general, are there places you could go or things you could do so that your in the house as little as humanly possible (we can help you brainstorm those if need be)?