Trying to be Friends but Failing

[Herstory]

I had a friends with benefits last year. He was a cool person and we had a lot of fun having sex. We’re both sarcastic, witty, share the same views on life, and have similar interests. Because of this, we got closer than we both expected and I don’t think he was really comfortable with that because every time we WOULD get close, he would just ghost me. I’d later find out he would date someone (for a very brief time like a week) and then go back to me after he was done. I didn’t really care that he dated other people, but I cared that he wouldn’t tell me about it and leave me hanging. I also wanted to hang out with him outside the bedroom in a non romantic way, but he was always extremely hesitant about it. He’s my best friend’s best friend so we would hang out together, just never alone unless we were having sex. I confronted him about what I wanted and told him that I wanted to be real friends with him and hang out occasionally and that I wanted him to tell me whenever he would date someone and be honest with me about what he wanted. He said that he wanted that too and that he would communicate with me, but then he ghosted me and never did. After that, I was so angry with him that I didn’t talk to him again, but I had to keep seeing him because he’s my best friend’s best friend. Flash forward and now I moved past the whole situation and have been trying to be friends with him and just friends. I didn’t want to add benefits to it because he didn’t respect what I wanted before and lied to me about being able to respect my boundaries. We hung out at one of my favorite tea shops, had a good time, but then at the end he flirted with me in a way that made me feel weird. I pretended to be a showgirl showing him the car and he said that all I needed was a bikini and that I could just throw my clothes off, but that I didn’t have a bra. I told him I did and apparently he didn’t believe me and touched my bra to make sure I did. At the moment I wasn’t really aware that what he did made me feel uncomfortable, but it did and I’m not sure why he did that when we’re not friends with benefits anymore. Not only that, but he barred me from going on a trip with my best friend to Tennessee because he wanted it to be a “them” thing. I don’t understand why he acts that way with me and it’s very frustrating and irritating. I’m not quite sure what to do and how to handle this situation.

[Mo]

I can certainly understand why this situation is frustrating to you! It sounds like you've been pretty clear about what you want from this guy, but that he hasn't been on the same page (whether he says he is or not). The hard part about friendship is that there has to be some level of mutual desire to be friends & work put into maintaning that friendship, and it doesn't sound like he's really willing to put that work in.

It might be that you'd feel better pulling back from the friendship a bit; if you can still be friendly when you run into him, great, but maybe give yourself permission to stop trying to initiate hangout times together and see if that helps any. If he wants to pick the friendship back up, he's certainly capable of taking the initiative at a later time. Also, just because he's friends with your friend doesn't mean you have to see him all the time; do you feel like if you ask your friend for some one-on-one time, that they'd be up for that? It's great when someone's friends all get along, but it's also ok if you want to take a break from this guy altogether for a bit.

[Herstory]

He and I have had one one on one hang out and I think it went great, but also kind of weird because of the whole bra thing. I think he really overstepped his boundaries there and I have no idea why he thought he could do that.

[Mo]

That really is overstepping, for sure! Have you talked to him about that and how you felt about it afterwards? If not, do you think talking about it might be helpful?

[Herstory]

I am not sure. He doesn’t communicate very well. I could try talking to him about it but right now I kinda don’t want to talk to him at all. I’m kinda tired of him pushing me away all the time.

[Bubbles]

I could be wrong, but considering that he usually wants things to be sexual whenever he's with you, and that he ghosts you when it is more about... just friendship, kind of suggests he only wants the sex part and not the friend part, regardless of what he claimed. If you find after another attempt or two that he still refuses to communicate, it could be beneficial to sever the friendship entirely and just have him around as an acquaintance. Maybe you could suggest something like that to him as an ultimatum, so he understands how much this matters to you and that you won't just let him sit on the fence about it forever? Friendships can be unhealthy. Why waste your time with people who don't respect you, when every single one of those seconds could be spent with people who do? Or even just doing your own thing. There are a LOT of decent people out there who quite frankly, just wouldn't behave the way he has been.

But either way I agree that taking a little bit of space would be healthy. ^^

[Sam W]

Hi Herstory,

I'm going to chime in here to say that it's okay to not feel like talking to him at all, given how you've been feeling about his interactions. Sometimes those conversations can help, but it also sounds like you feel as though you've been doing the bulk of the work when it comes to communicating and are getting kind of tired of that, which is completely understandable. Like Mo and Bubbles both mentioned, it's okay to take a break from him.

How are you feeling about this whole situation right now? Do you feel clearer on what you want to do or does it still feel kind of tangled up?