Pain during sex **please replyyy**

[Castleton]

Okay this may be long because it is two things i want to touch on.
First, im 18 and decided i want to finally have sex. Thinking about it and my boyfriend turns me on and when he talks sexual it turns me on..but when its actually time to have sex i instantly get turned off and then the sex feels forced.
I had oral sex prior to 18 and the same thing happened with that guy i was turned on then when it came down to it i instantly felt disgusted the oral was not pleasurable due to my inner feelings
Its not because i feel im doing something wrong but when i watch something dealing with rough or pain inflicted sex i stay turned on(which means thats my niche right?)



So this leads me to my second thing me and my boyfriend tried to have sex he is experienced so he take things extremly slow by me being a virgin. He couldnt get in fully because it hurt really bad to the point i dont want to do it. So why do i get turned on by watching rough s** but whn it actually hurts im immediately turned off ( could that be why it hurts because im not turned on)
His fingers feel good but its not really pleasing, at that point im just laying there doing it because we did all that foreplay and i know hell be disapointed if we dont (even if he verbally says its okay) i feel a whole lot better when its with my self

Ie: im perfectly comfortable around him/ emotionwlly ready to lose my vcard i just cant stay turned on with anybody and i think thats whats causing the pain with intercourse


So the questions are : why do rough s** arouse me but not when its actually happening? Why cant he enter? And when he tries, why is it that painful? Why do i keep getting turned off right when its going to happen? Im so so sorry how long it is

[Sam W]

Hi Castleton,

To you first question, you can be aroused by something in theory or when you're watching/reading about it, but not enjoy it in your own sexual interactions (this is actually the case with plenty of people's fantasies or porn preferences). That's going to be doubly true when it comes to pain, because it's one thing to watch painful or rough sex and another thing entirely to have your own body react with an "ow." It's actually good to stop when sex of any kind is painful, because pain is your body trying to help you avoid an injury (and forcing insertion of a penis when it's painful can cause things like tears).

Painful sex can arise for a few different reasons (you can read all about them here: From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse ), and the main culprits are usually a lack of lubrication and not being quite aroused enough. Were you and your boyfriend using lube when you tried this? And you're right, if you were already turned off, it would make insertion of his penis painful.

As for why you seem to turn off suddenly after being turned on, can you describe the thoughts or feelings that go through you as you move from feeling one way to feeling another? Too, it sounds like there's been multiple instances where you've done something sexual while not into it at all. Do you feel like you can't stop once you've started even if you feel disgust (as with the oral sex), or like you need to follow through with something even if your partner says it's okay not to?

[Castleton]

Yes we use lots of lubricant. Almost too much. And my thoughts when going from turned on to turned off Im usually thinking nothing. Like my mind goes blank.. does that mean something is wrong with me? like even when we are kissing I’m enjoying the kissing but it’s not an emotional feeling as he feels. And I know that if I am going to have any success on fully losing my virginity I need to stay aroused but iTs hard And as to the last question. I continue to do it although he says it’s okay to stop is because he knows I’m new to all this so I know he’s just being nice but I know it doesn’t feel good to be lead up that moment to get nothing. So I just continue. And whEn I say continue I don’t mean p to v(because it huRts). I mean continue with other sexual acts

I know that I probably sound dumb saying that I want to lose my vCard although I don’t enjoy it but the thing is I want to enjoy it


Ie: I know it isn’t cause he’s bad at sex because this happens with other guys with sex or even just kissing

Please tell me something. I can’t talk to anybody about these feelings

[Castleton]

It almost seems like sexual things turn me on but acting on them with the guy is what turns me off. Which makes no sense at all

[Sam W]

Got it. So when you say you're not feeling the same level of emotions he is, is that because he's told you how he's feeling in those moments? Or are you guessing based on his actions? And when you notice yourself feeling blank, is it because a moment before you were feeling really mentally and physically turned on (and attracted to your partner) and suddenly you aren't, or do you feel like you never really hit a high level of arousal with your partner at all?

Something I'm going to suggest is that from now on, you make a commitment to yourself to not do anything sexual with a partner unless you are eager and excited to do so. Consent to sex can be revoked at any time. You're not obligated to do something with a partner just because there was bunch of build up to it (heck, you get to stop in the middle of sex if you want or need to do so). Too, forcing yourself to do sexual things you're not into or excited by is going to further decrease any arousal that may have been present. Do you feel like you'd be comfortable telling your boyfriend to stop? And do you feel like you and he do a lot of communicating before, during, and after sexual activity (including kissing) in general?

As an aside, virginity is not something you can lose, because it's not a physical state of being. Virginity is an idea, and it's definition varies from person to person (for instance, some people would define having oral sex as meaning you're no longer a virgin, even if you don't define it that way for yourself). You can read more about that here: Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context . Can I ask why "losing" your virginity feels so urgent to you?