Processing feelings after becoming "just friends"

[Hollytiger]

Hello,

I finally had a long discussion with the person I've been "dating" the past 3 months. It was a strange time for me, being my first sexual experience and only second near-relationship experience. We came to the conclusion we're not on the same page. I decided I can't deal with the feeling of waiting around any longer. It caused me great anxiety having such strong feelings for him and yet always feeling like I was just kept around as the back-up while he still played the field...

The conversation was honest and amicable, which I appreciate. We left it at "being friends". Honestly, that means not a lot changed about our relationship besides sexual stuff being off the table now. A big part of whatever our dating was, was going to music venues in the city with mutual friends. We still plan to do all that.I have a lot of fun going to those things because it gets me out of my introverted shell and is a great social experience...So I hope that can continue without being weird. I honestly don't have a lot of my own friends and really don't have too many opportunities to socialize outside of that. So it's become important to me.

I just worry because I realize I still have feelings for this person. He told me he's ok if I want to continue dating or if I want to be friends. Which made me realize he must not have a whole lot of feelings for me in that way. But I know for myself, that the feeling of waiting for someone who's not ready for a committed relationship (when I am) is really painful and gives me a lot of stress.

I suppose now I'm just trying to reconcile my feelings for this person and the reality of the decision we came to. You know, I'm not even sure if my emotional attachment is so strongly to him, or if it's just to the idea of our relationship. This was all a big step for me these past 3 months and I met a lot of people through this person. I guess I'm scared of losing that too if I have to give up on this person.

The more I think the more confused I become...It hurts because it feels like I still care for him. Guess I just needed to share that with someone. Thanks for reading.

[Heather]

I'm actually really glad to hear that this came about from you basically taking a stand for what you want. That's powerful and it's important and it's also really brave when it's not something you have had any real experience doing before in this context. Brava!

I'm sorry, of course, that this didn't ultimately wind up going the way that you wanted.

In terms of concerns about your feelings and shifting into friends, what usually makes that kind of transition work best is when people don't try and do it super fast, and give themselves some time and space apart in the middle, so you can kind of reset: reset the relationship to make something different with it, and of course, process and reset your feelings. Trying to be friends and just kind of continuing on as you were minus sex, like nothing changed, and without time to grieve what is or feels lost? Meh, not so much. So, how about giving yourself some time and space here? At least a few weeks of not seeing them?

In terms of mutual friends you made, there's no reason you should have to give up those friends, even if you and this guy don't wind up being BFFs. Do you have your own ways to connect to some or all of those friends already, like having their phone numbers or being connected to them in any social media? Getting connected to them on your own is probably good for you anyway: you can't feel like only this guy is your gateway/vehicle to a social life, after all, no matter what kind of relationship you're in. That's not very healthy, and it also doesn't usually feel very good, you know?

[Hollytiger]

Thank you, Heather, that means a lot to me. It's nice to see someone acknowledging it as a positive step forward. I really need to try to dwell on that a bit. I'm tripping myself up sometimes seeing these proceedings negatively.

I understand what you mean with having time and space. That seems like it would be wise to do. This weekend is a bit of an extenuating circumstance, as it is a mutual friend's birthday and I think it's important I be there to celebrate with her (he will inevitably be there too). So perhaps after this weekend I will try to detach myself a bit. The prospect of doing that seems hard but I understand that it will make things easier in the end, hopefully. I do worry that I'll see him throughout the night and sometimes still feel jealousy or other unpleasant emotions but I suppose I just have to deal with it.

And yes, thankfully I have some numbers and am connected to everyone on social media. So friends are still around. I "unfollowed" him today (where we stay "friends" but I just don't get his updates) - not in anger or resentment, but just for my own peace of mind. It's funny how seeing people's pictures and updates can really get them stuck in your head. I think it's best to try to minimize that now.

You mention having him being my only gateway to a social life being unhealthy - I completely agree. If I let this go on and continued waiting for a relationship, I feel like that just would've gotten more complicated. So again maybe this is another positive thing about the situation. It's also tough because my family has a very different idea on what's going on between us. He came to some family events in the past, so I think they all assume he's my boyfriend since we spend so much time together. So it's going to be difficult having to explain this to them.

As you can see I'm still working on convincing myself that things are ok here. I'm still surprised that I didn't get upset or otherwise too emotional while we spoke yesterday, considering how I truly felt. Maybe that's a good sign that things will work out in a platonic way. I suppose I'm reading into things too much though.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

[Heather]

In reading this, I'm just over here really cheering you on. I wish you could see!

[Hollytiger]

Haha. Thank you. That is encouraging. Just have to keep going I guess.