Breakup

[ailurophiledork]

Hi, so i was wondering, its been two months since i broke up with my boyfriend (ex), and we've been dating for two years and while dating i have given him a lot of "explicit" pictures of myself and he has given me his too, and it stresses me out eventhough when we broke up, we had a talk a deep talk and he said that "whatever happened between us we keep it between us" i can't just shake the fear that he actually still keep those pictures and just one day use it against me and just spread it around, i have asked him to delete our chats and everything and he said yes already but idk why im still scared, i am in no way wanting to talk or contact him, i just dont want to and before this my "explicit" pics or nudes had been spread before and the stress and trauma is still there, oh and btw he has a new girl already and he's with her 5 days after we broke up, and from what i've heard from my friends they are always together everywhere, and thank god i can't see that because he is in a different city, he went there for college ,and i was jst wondering, what would be your opinion and im jst scared that he will try to just spread it and use it against me, can you give me some advice on what i should think or should i even worry about it? Thank you!

[Heather]

I totally get feeling stressed out about this. It's a big deal for someone to have very private photographs of you like that, and sometimes people do do awful things with them, so it's not surprising you're worried. I'm also sorry you're having hard feelings about him having someone new.

What do you think would make you feel better about this? What do you think you need to feel secure and not worried?

[ailurophiledork]

Thank you for your reply, i honestly dont know, i have asked him several times whether he deleted our chat history and he said yes, clearly stating that i should not be stress and he really doesnt want to be accuse of making me stress either so he deleted it, i dont know, i kept asking my friends and my friends said he wouldnt do such thinf considering we dated for 2 years but i still have this stress but then again shouldnt he be more concerned that if he did such thing, it could actually boomerang back to him, also making him lose his girlfriend and possibly make his reputation bad as well? And doesnt he have a girl to take care of, im just purely scared

[Jacob]

Hi ailurophiledork,

It sounds like you have done everything you can do to stress to him that sharing the pictures wouldn't be ok. While it's totally possible, I'm actually not hearing anything to say he wants to hurt you in this way. Has he given any indication that he would?

I also think there is a lot of shame attached to the sharing of explicit photos that is unfair, and it's possible that you are feeling some of that.

Are you feeling any negative feelings about having shared the pictures in the first place?

If he neglected to delete the photos when you asked him to and did share them, that is a bad thing that he would have done, not something for you to feel ashamed of.

I'm also hearing that he's moved on quite quickly from the break up and into something new. It makes sense to feel scared when things have moved so fast, and it's easy to feel a lack of control. Is that something else you could be feeling?

[ailurophiledork]

He doesnt give any of those indication, frankly, we were starting to be friends back, but then i heard that he was actually seeing someone behind my back when we still dated and that irritates me because i just found out about it after i broke up with him from a friend, so i jst decided to block hom from any social media and hide my snapgram from him and decide to not even like his posts and anything, cause tbh,i think he deserves that after just doing those things behind my back, and there was once when he did fight with my best friend because she was pissed seeing me cry finding out he moved on that fast, but then i quickly apologize and he reassured me that he appreciates what i did, and then aftwrwards i told him to delete the pictures again which he responded to "dont stress about it, cause everything is deleted, its okay" and i think youre right, i feel like im losing control and my anger is still there because he has literally lie behind my back and just easily move on, but for indications of that spreading "explicit" pictures, he doesnt show any of that, heck i think that he doesnt even think of me anymore , thank you for your response

[ailurophiledork]

Oh and when i said he appreciate what i did, he meant he appreciate that i understood he is now dating again and that im sorry for my friends' behaviour and that i state that i dont wanna do anything with him and that'll be the last of my friend saying things again, then thats it

[Siân]

Ok, so it sounds like you're as sure as you can be that he has deleted everything, and he's not giving any indication that he's going to disrespect your wishes.

Taking some space and not being all over eachothers' social media is often an important part of healing after a breakup, even if you want to be friends again later. Has it helped you feel more in control?

I get that it can be painful when an ex seems to move on really quickly. What do you think would be most helpful for you right now in moving on from this?