Virginity

[verapq]

Hi there,

My boyfriend of 5 months knows that I lost my virginity to my ex of 3 years and he is very bothered by it. This is his first relationship and he always make "jokes" that I would never find a guy that would marry me since I am no longer a virgin. One example would be when we were removing flowers from a wedding car, he said "Take this flowers, this might be your only chance of receiving it." After which I got really pissed he said he was "just kidding". We did talked about marriage several times and he makes it very clear that he would not marry someone that did not lose her virginity to him. He even said "All our problems would be solved if you are still a virgin".

He told me that ALL guys mind a girl who is a non-virgin and that it is not fair that girls have fun (having sex) when they are young and then want to settle for a good guy when they are ready for marriage. To him, it is okay if a guy had multiple sex partners before marriage but never okay for a girl.

I don't know if I should leave him because I want to get married in the future but yet I still love him. It sucks so much because I feel so worthless that I am no longer a virgin.

[Jacob]

Oh verapq, I'm so sorry you are feeling like this and that your boyfriend is being so mean.

For the record he is wrong, and talking you down the way he has been doing is pretty abusive in my opinion.

Something that happens in abusive relationship dynamics is that one person is told, or made to feel that no-one else would love them or care for them. It's a way of making someone feel trapped or reliant on you.

It sounds like that is something that is going on here.

You'll know from your experience that virginity wasn't some magical status that transformed as soon as you had sex. You are exactly the same person. The only thing exerting stress on you here are the words your boyfriend is using.

What do you think could help you in this situation? Is there anything we can do?

You mention breaking up as an option. Would you like any support around how to do that?

[verapq]

Hi Jacob,

I find it hard to leave him as I'm very dependent on him emotionally. I have spoken to him many times about breaking up but he always brushes it off saying "why break up over such a small issue?" which got me thinking if I'm the crazy one blowing things out of proportion.

Just a month back we quarrelled over him snatching my phone away from me and forcing my thumb onto it to unlock my iphone because he wants to see what photos I took of him. I told him I'm not going to let him see my photo album because its my privacy and he said "why not let me see if you have nothing to hide?". After an hour struggling to get back my phone and explaining, he relented and gave it back to me. I tried to reconcile by attempting to hug him which he refused to and said "would you hug someone who doesn't trust you enough with your phone?" and "I will not hug you because it is my privacy"

I feel like I'm always doing things wrong and I need help in to getting rid of these thoughts. I know this is a toxic relationship but the more I want to get away from it the more I find myself running back to him again.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in something that sounds like it's emotionally abusive. Unfortunately, something being abusive in some way doesn't make us stop having the feelings we're having, or make it any easier to leave. In fact, a lot of the dynamics of abuse make it harder to leave, instead of easier.

Would you be open to talking some with us about at least starting to consider making a plan to leave? If you're not ready yet, you're not, but if you can start to at least look at/make a plan to get out in the future, then you can start getting ready so that sometime soon, you don't have to be tied to something that very obviously isn't good for you (and is probably keeping you from finding relationships that are!).

[verapq]

Hi Heather,

I'm open to talking about it with you. How do I go about doing that?

[Sam W]

Hi verapq,

Okay, a good starting point would be to take a look at this article, which is broken down into sections based on whether or not you're living with your partner, because it can help you (and us) identify different steps in your plan: The Scarleteen Safety Plan . As you're reading that, do you notice any steps that you could get started on right away? And are there steps you see that you think are going to be extra difficult or tricky for you? Too, do you think there's any risk of him trying to track or read your internet history (given how he behaved with your phone)?

I just want you to know that even being open to talking about leaving an abusive relationship is a huge step, and you deserve to feel proud of yourself for taking it.

[verapq]

Hi Sam,

I have received counselling for this but it wasn’t really useful to me. I’m not living with him, but I see him regularly. Almost every time i see him, he will say mean things to me. EG: “why are u so stupid?”, “you deserve it to be treated this way”
I either keep quiet or get really angry and scold him. I realise this isn’t useful to get him to stop the verbal abuse as I have addressed it to him several times that it upsets me and destroys my self esteem. Is there anything I can do when he starts to “insult” me again?

[Sam W]

That sounds like such a sucky thing to be on the receiving end of, especially from someone who is supposed to be caring and supportive, and I'm so sorry you're dealing with it. When he does or says those things, what if you just left the interaction entirely (walk away, go home, or hang-up if you're talking to him on the phone)?

Too, it would ultimately be best if you stopped seeing him, since then he would have zero chances to insult or belittle you. Do you feel comfortable scaling back contact with him and not seeing him anymore (and shutting down communication channels with him)? Or are you worried about how he'll react if you do that?