The Wonderful World(s) of Porn and Masturbation

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Staff,

So I'm once again in a very weird spot regarding how I express my sexuality or rather indulge in it.

I've always found myself feeling as though I frequently masturbated growing up, especially between the ages of 13-17. I think this had gotten to the point where my body became used to the pleasure and my sensativity has become much lower than I would like over the years. Along with that, as I got older it just felt like my sex drive was dying down unless I had strong emotional feelings for the person I was sexually attracted to (example: being in love with my ex and wanting to "make love" to them) or if for whatever reason I did end up in a situation where I was being sexually aroused by someone without catching on (example: someone grinding into my crotch to the point of arousal).

Throughout all of these events that caused arousal, due to not feeling ready to have sex or simply just being sexually frustrated and not having a willing sexual partner I've always masturbated through them.

Over time though I realize there have been a whole lot of moments in my life where I would just actively choose to masturbate in my free time over any other activity. I could be reading books or studying more or exercsizing and instead I would just masturbate.

I even remember significant moments of sadness, distress or emotional pain where I would use mastubation to cope with these things (especially when they pertained to rejection and romantic love). I would masturbate, and to some degree still do masturbate, feeling as though I'm better off not havibg sex with anyone or that because if I seek some sort of intimacy from another person (sexual or not) that I should figure out how to adapt to not having these things from a physical person and figure out how to satisfy them myself.

Pretty much recently, I've once again found myself masturbating more and cuddling a pillow afterward either daydreaming about a person I would be attracted to or just altogether not imagining anyone to sometimes even fight the desire to have a "significant other" or someone in place of these things.

This sort of behavior has gotten a bit worse since being a little over a month on T and having been out of a relationship for about two months. Any of the fun flings I've had have ended. Those partners are either unavailable or just simply better as friends. My confidence has been sort of awful recently because I feel being transmasculine and not looking traditionally handsome or closer to my age group (early 20s) makes me undesirable to non-heterosexual women and feminine people that I may find myself attracted to. I also recently recognize I've been trying to distract from some pain that will never go away when I would like it to so now I just sometimes feel like I can't or even shouldn't sexually engage anyone until I figure everything about myself out and then I'm "allowed" to have fun or "allowed" to have a sexual partner or even "allowed" to be happy.

I just feel like it's easier to masturbate (and oftentimes I watch porn while masturbating) to feel sexually satisfied and honestly in my few sexual encounters I didn't really get off that much. Even though I enjoy sexually satisfying my parters and had fun during these encounters I don't find myself seeking sex as strongly because I feel like I can just masturbate and take care of my arousal myself and if there's no one of sexual interest who isn't sexually interested in me (or just not in that given moment) then I just don't want to bother them. I mean point is sometimes I feel like I masturbate a lot and use porn a lot. Sometimes I feel like I seek both intimate connectedness AND sexual pleasure but whether I like it or not I can't get that from another person so I just fill in the gaps any way I can.

This all sounds very messy but I hope it makes some sense.

Thank you!

[al]

Hi BuddyBoi21,

What you're saying totally makes sense. It seems like you're reflecting on your relationship to masturbation and the other issues that are coming up for you related to sexuality with partners and/or relationships.

To state the obvious, there isn't anything inherently wrong with masturbation - it's just an expression of self-love and sexuality. I think it totally makes sense for you to use masturbation as a way to fulfill things that you aren't able to (or don't want to) get from partnered sex or relationships. That's a big reason why a lot of other people masturbate as well, because they know that being intimate with their own bodies is something that's safe (both in terms of sexual health and emotionally), easy (as they know their bodies and wants/needs best), and really accessible (as they can do it without planning or negotiating with others). One of our newest articles, Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation, puts this a lot more eloquently than I currently can.

Over time though I realize there have been a whole lot of moments in my life where I would just actively choose to masturbate in my free time over any other activity. I could be reading books or studying more or exercsizing and instead I would just masturbate.

This, to me, sounds like you're worrying about whether or not your frequency of masturbation is too much, and honestly, you're the only person that can make that determination. At Scarleteen we usually say that any sexual behavior crosses into a potentially harmful territory if it gets in the way of things that you want or need to do in your daily life (eating, sleeping, working, studying, having meaningful relationships, etc), which doesn't seem to be the case. If you have free time outside of the things that you absolutely need to be doing (like work or school), you are free to choose whatever you want to do that will give you enjoyment or help you relax. No matter what you choose to do in your free time (whether it's masturbating, watching TV, cooking, reading, going outside, etc), you could always be doing something else. As long as whatever you're choosing is something that makes you feel good and helps you take care of yourself, there's nothing wrong with it.

Now for the bit about relationships with others - what you said here really struck me:

so now I just sometimes feel like I can't or even shouldn't sexually engage anyone until I figure everything about myself out and then I'm "allowed" to have fun or "allowed" to have a sexual partner or even "allowed" to be happy.

I think you're being pretty hard on yourself here. You've had some big changes in your life recently (a relationship ending, starting T, etc), and it seems like you're having feelings come up because of them. Why do you think you're feeling like you shouldn't be engaging with other people if you have stuff going on in your own life? How did these rules about what you're "allowed" to enjoy or do come to be?

In terms of these casual encounters with others, what have those been like? I know you mentioned that you didn't always orgasm, but were they enjoyable with others? What did you like, and what didn't you like? How do you feel about the prospect of pursuing more experiences like that, while also using masturbation to feel sexually satisfied?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi al,

To answer your first question, many people throw around the "you can't love anyone until you love yourself first" concept in some way, shape or form. I tend to be super self critical to points where it feels as though I don't really love myself at all. Because of this and some of the ways sex can fucntion for some people as bonding it could cause a complication with feelings if potential for a romantic relationship shows itself. Because I struggle with my self esteem and confidence through the stages of my medical transition and am still developing as a person and have so many personal problems it just doesn't seem like the best idea to pursue anything with anyone and sex can sometimes complicate those feelings even further. A lot of this is according to advice of trusted, older friends (ages 23-25) and close family members.

As for the second answer, these encounters were again overall pleasant. I love getting my sexual partners off and being wanted by the person. With my first sexual partner they were a bit older than me and very nice and considerate of my feelings and didn't make me feel weird or bad for not having much experience. We actually laughed quite a bit during sex and it made me feel a lot less nervous about the encounter. As for my second partner, he's absolutely adorable and we both have compatible sexual kinks which made things even more fun in that aspect. Both partners were also very cuddly and affectionate in non-sexual ways during sex, like kissing and hand holding. So overall a lot of my stimulation has been a bit more mental rather than physical during sex, whereas masturbation I get a bit of both pretty equally most times.

Really a big chunk of my lack of physical stimulation comes from not having the right "equipment". I currently have a very basic strap on dildo with a suction cup and a harness. A lot of it doesn't touch my bits because it sits too high on my crotch, much to my disappointment but I do like that the dildo is my skintone and is the right size to satisfy my partner(s). I am trying to look into getting a pack and play prosthetic made for AFAB transmasculine people and have already gone and ordered some boxer brief harnesses from RodeoH. I'm excited because a lot of this is made to pleasure the wearer and still looks pretty aesthetically pleasing.

However, a part of me is very nervous about really enjoying sex in the physical aspect as well. I don't want to become some excited for sex that I hurt my sexual partner or miscommunicate and make my sexual partner feel unsafe. There's also this feeling of rejection I'm afraid of if I'm excited; I know logically it'll be fine and I know no one is always in the mood for sex but the feeling of rejection is what I fear more than the rejection itself.
There's also just knowing that sex and and masturbation aren't the same things and I fear wanting/enjoying sex more than masturbation. I'm fully aware (and maybe a bit cynical) that I will probably not have as much sex as I would like to, so I would much rather rely on masturbation for sexual stimulation than sex itself.
There's also this feeling that when I really start to feeling this sexual attraction toward my partner(s) and associate them with sex without entirely meaning to that I am sexually objectifying them and that's all I want them for. I felt this very strongly with my ex and because of a huge miscommunication, I hurt them and probably triggered their sexual trauma from their past. After this I just don't believe I should touch any person I'm attracted to ever unless it's 1000% clear to me they want to be touched. I felt really bad for how easily aroused I was with my ex; the smallest touch would seem to set me off and I hated it because they would just want to cuddle and I would be annoyingly thinking about sexual contact. I wanted to go back to my house to masturbate and was extremely frustrated at how horny I was and just wanted to stop being horny but my partner read the behavior as me being upset with them. After that they were angry at me and eventually we broke up due to their mental health becoming bad to the point where they would never speak to me (according to them these issues were completely separate). I want to believe it was all one big misunderstanding, sometimes I do but on some days, especially if I think about moving on I just feel like I shouldn't. I feel like I was manipulative and borderline abusive and that I just should never date or even have sex with anyone ever again. On some days, I simply feel like I'm an awesome friend, family member, student, etc but I'm an awful significant other and just simply do everyone I take interest in a favor and leave them alone. Other times I just do my best to be better and clearer about what I want and I always go out of my way to ask several times before engaging in sex and remind my partners they're never obligated to do anything and double check. In a lot of cases recently though I just don't even make the first move anymore. I just allow my sexual partner to take control or just ask a bunch of questions and do my very best to satisfy them and for the most part ignore my own sexual pleasure during sex. With both of these partners, they've tried to touch me or even try blowjobs while I wear my prosthetic in order to get me off which I think is a kind gesture but it just feels awkward and in some cases very dull.

I give it a shot because I don't know everything about what I like so I like to try things out and see (within reason). So I would love to continue exploring with others but because sexual partners are scarse and I can just do it myself, I might as well right?

In theory, I'd love to have more sex but I know and have gotten into some moods where I miss feeling a specific person or certain touches that I can only get from sex with anpther person. So instead I much rather stick to porn until I'm (for lack of a better phrase) well enough to have a consistent sexual/romantic partner.

[Robin]

Hi BuddyBoi,

There's a lot to unpack here. I'm going to riff a little on a few of the things you've said here. If I'm not picking up on the stuff that's important to you, definitely let us know.
One thing that jumps out at me is how bad you're saying you felt at being sexually aroused while your ex just wanted to cuddle. That doesn't make you a bad person, or a bad partner. Some people just aren't sexually compatible with each other. And, even when folks are compatible, there are just going to be times when they're not in sync, for all kinds of reasons. It sounds like you and your ex had a hard time communicating about what was going on. That also doesn't make you bad. Learning how to communicate about anything, but especially about sex, takes time, and we're all going to mess it up a little...or sometimes a lot.

It takes time to learn that how our partner is feeling, sexually or otherwise, isn't always about us. It's okay that you didn't know how to comunicate what you were feeling to your ex, and it's okay that you weren't always in sync sexually. It sounds like neither of you quite knew how to talk about that, and that not knowing isn't unusual either.



It matters way more how folks deal with being out of sync than that they're out of sync in the first place. So, to repeat myself, feeling turned on when a partner isn't doesn't make anyone bad.

It also matters that people learn from what they've experienced. It sounds like you've done a lot of thinking, and a lot of self-reflecting, but it also sounds like you might be blaming yourself for stuff that wasn't your fault and like you might be thinking that you don't deserve to have sexual relationships with other people because of how you managed past relationships.

What do you think?

What I'm reading from your post above is that you'd prefer to be pursuing sex with a partner, but that you feel like it's safer to stick to solo sex for now. Am I reading that right? Is that what you feel like will make you the happiest?

[al]

Hi BuddyBoi,

I just wanted to jump back in here and echo what Robin said- it seems like you’re carrying around a lot of shame about interactions that you’ve had in the past, and worry about perpetuating that same hurt in the future.
The way I see it, navigating consent and sexual wants/needs is a skill, and a lifelong journey. While it’s important to know what the stakes are, and how we could potentially hurt someone else, we also have to give ourselves a break as we figure out what works, what doesn’t, what we like and don’t, etc. And like Robin said, even if your previous partner said that you made them feel uncomfortable, you’ve done a lot of reflecting, and you’re committed to engaging with others in a safe and communicative way in the future. That’s exactly what anyone could hope for in terms of learning and growing. As partners we also have to trust that who we’re with will communicate their wants and needs with us - it’s a two-way street. It’s not just on you.
I also really want to echo what Robin said about being aroused even if your partner isn’t - there’s nothing wrong or predatory about that. If you felt aroused and your partner didn’t, and you tried to force them to have sex or justify having sex because they “turned you on”, that wouldn’t be great, but that’s not what you’re talking about. It’s perfectly acceptable to feel aroused even if a partner isn’t, and ideally, if you feel comfortable, you’d be able to say “I’m feeling turned on, so I’m gonna go take a long bath”.

I’m really glad to hear that you’re experimenting with gender- and sexuality- affirming equipment, because that’s one of the best ways to figure out how to get what you want and need sexually (in a consensual way of course). What you said about the dildo not quite being low enough in the harness is something that lots of people experience - sometimes a well-placed vibrator or a slightly different position can help with that. Or, being able to say You know what? This isn’t quite hitting it. Can we try this instead? in the moment.

But for the moment, masturbation is okay! You’re the one that knows you and your body best, and it’s okay to engage in that pleasure and fulfillment for yourself. We always say, it’s one of the safest (and most fulfilling) ways to have sex!

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey y'all

So Robin, to answer your question. Yes, I very badly would like a consistent sexual partner (and ideally for that same partner to be romantic as well) but I know sexual partners are hard to find, they have to be mutually interested, sexually compatible, etc so I would feel more comfortable masturbating. To sum it up I'm just doing it to relief any sexual tension I may have and I kind of just don't think I should indulge in sexual pleasure if it involves another person.

Don't get me wrong, sex is fun and nice but it just doesn't seem like the best idea for me. Like sure masturbation can feel lonely occasionally and in a lot of cases only meh (like hey I'm not horny anymore but that wasn't the most mind blowing orgasam I've had) but it works. I may not be the happiest masturbating in place of sex but I'm not going to die without it.

Besides, I know it sounds like I'm being hard on myself but my ex partner and I were both very interested in sexual exploration and were sexually in sync in the earlier parts of our relationship but once they started to lose interest in sex I took it much too personally and felt I acted like an indescribably terrible person. To be quite honest, no I don't feel like I deserve to be in or am even remotely ready for a romantic and/or sexual relationship or a partner. And if anything I should be comfortable with being alone and not be so reliant on another person in this way anyway, not to mention I also struggle with being comfortable with being sexually pleasured by whoever that partner would be. I've had these new sexual partners try to ask me about what I want sexually or what I like to have done to my body and in all honesty I'm a bit scared of actually enjoying sex with a person in the same way I used to enjoy masturbation.
So basically masturbation feels emotionally safer and while I'm not happy with it I'm sexually satisfied enough with it, if that makes sense?


To respond to you al,
You make a lot of great points about navigating consent, sexual wants/needs and maybe I could be easier on myself. However, due to the way society treats the sexuality of people who identify as women, feminine and/or submissive and how disproportionately the people in these demographics are affected by sexual violence and trauma I feel like I need to do a better job at being more receptive to these struggles that the person may be having. A lot of the conversations I have, a lot of people in these groups (some more than others may vary based off of gender identity, sexual orientation, etc) are surprised by me asking about their sexual wants and needs. Even with one of my previous sexual partners he became (positively) overwhelmed when I asked him for consent. Sure, I have my own problems but I could've still listened to my ex and communicated better no matter how annoyingly/uncomfortably aroused I was at that moment in time. This is exactly why I don't feel entirely sure about letting myself truly enjoy sex with a partner or even have other sexual partners moving forward. Many people, and it feels like this greatly impacts those in and near my age group (teens, emerging adults and young adults), don't know how to directly communicate what they want/need sexually from the get go and it's usually because no one directly asks or openly communicates at all.

I feel like with my ex I didn't listen because I was too damn frustrated with myself and my arousal to take in some of the things they were telling me. So yes you make some awesome points but I really feel like I should really hold myself accountable, be more careful and be more concerned about my partner(s) (sexual or not) needs/wants instead of my own. Getting myself off is my own responsibility which is why I prefer to masturbate even though it feels more like a chore than fun.
I hope this idea makes sense.

Thank you both for your responses!

[Heather]

I hear what sounds like you saying you feel like you need a masturbation sabbatical for the time being: where that's all you do, and where you take some more time to process some things so you feel more able and confident to be a good partner to someone else. That sure sounds like a good thing for anyone to do at one point or another, to be honest. I hope you can find a way to do that where you're also as kind to and accepting of yourself and your sexuality as you're looking to be to future partners. <3

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Heather,

Yep you got it. I really want to keep engaging in sex but I don't know if it's healthy for me personally so I'll just masturbate.

Thank you for your response!