How do I go about having sex with my girlfriend for the first time?

[CuriousQueer]

Ok, so my girlfriend and I have been together for about half a year. I love her to death and is like to take it to the next level. How do I go about doing that? Do I talk to her first or just wait for the right moment

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards!

We ideally never want to do sexual things to someone, or make sexual decisions that involve someone, without their express consent. So, every and any time we want to be sexual with someone else, we should talk to them about it, not just do things to them.

Have you two talked about sex together before?

[CuriousQueer]

We’ve never really talked about it so I’m not sure how to even really start a conversation about it

[Heather]

Okay. Maybe we can build on anything similar you've talked about. Are you two physical at all, like have you been involved in kissing or hugging each other yet? If so, how have even just basic exchanges -- like one of you asking the other if you can do that -- gone?

[CuriousQueer]

We’ve been physical for a while, kissing, hugging, cuddling all that stuff

[Heather]

Okay. And how has talking about that gone? How does it go even just in the day to day? Or, in the event this is the situation, do you do those things without taking about them at all, including when you do them?

[CuriousQueer]

I mean it’s just a thing we do without really thinking about it anymore, whenever we’re apart we talk about how we wanna hold each other or kiss but that’s the extent of it

[Heather]

Okay, so it sounds to me like it's time to start talking, period, and I'd suggest that your first talk needs to be a talk about talking about all of this.

In other words, I think you should ask her if you can sit down and talk some about being physical or sexual with each other. You can open by saying you don't really talk about it, including that you two haven't really been having the kind of communication we need to for good consent. You can then add that you've been thinking about the possibility of being more physically sexual than you have been, and wanted to talk to her about that to see how she felt and what she might want (or not want). Then you talk together from there. How does that sound?

I think there are more talks after that to be had, very much including talking about improving how you two do consent. Namely, you haven't been using words to ask what the other one wants or likes, and that's really something so important for real consent everyone feels good about. It's also important to get into the habit of doing so as you get more sexual, you both feel able to share what you like and don't in words so things can actually feel good, physically and emotionally. It's much harder to figure out what a partner likes and doesn't and wants and needs without using words, sometimes a lot of them.

[CuriousQueer]

Sounds like exactly what we need, thank you so much!

[Heather]

Oh, I'm so glad! I hope it goes well, and you know where to find us if you want to talk about it after, or get any help or support for other talks down the road or anything else.