How do I choose my sexual identity

[Marshmallow765]

I've been wondering about if I'm comfortable being called a girl bc I "am" one. So when I have a chorus concert for school we're supposed to wear all black and a dress or skirt for the girls and a dress shirt with pants for the boys. The thing I am most uncomfortable with in that situation is wearing a dress or skirt. I have never liked wearing a dress or skirt because I feel uncomfortable and scared. I'm also scared to show up to the concert wearing pants so I don't know what to do. But when it is a regular day of school or I'm going out in public I just wear a tee shirt and jeans. What I'm mostly confused about is if I am a boy or girl. I have been called a boy and girl before (I have a "boy" short hair). But then when someone tells me I'm going into the wrong bathroom (I was going into the girls bathroom and they were trying to tell me to go into the boys) I ended up getting even more confused and uncomfortable and angry. Now when I'm out in public or at school I try to avoid using the bathroom unless there is a non-gender specific bathroom and us it.

So what do you think I should do or think about??

[Sam W]

Hi Marshmallow,

First off, I'm so sorry people have tried to police where you go to the bathroom. That's absolute nonsense, and extremely rude. It sounds like you're actually asking more about your gender identity rather than your sexual identity (sexual identity has to do more with who you're attracted to).

Nobody besides you gets to determine your gender. What gender you are depends on how you feel on the inside as well as how you feel about and relate to gender expectations of the world around you. For instance, there are some cis women who, like you, really don't enjoy or feel comfortable in things that are considered traditionally feminine, like skirts of make-up. But they still feel like (and therefore are) women. They're just women who don't fit into gendered expectations of how women should look. But there are also people who are assigned female at birth who realize that they aren't women, they're men (or maybe they're both, or neither, or something else entirely) and their discomfort around things like skirts or make-up is one of the clues they follow to come to that realization. Do either of those scenarios feel like they match your feelings (it's okay if the answer is no)?

We can talk even more about gender identity and how people go about figuring it out if that would be helpful, but I don't want to overwhelm you with a ton of terms all at once. One thing that might be helpful is to give this article a read: Trans Summer School: What's the Deal With Gender?. Are there things in it that jump out at you in it?

I'd also recommend getting a copy of the Genderquest Workbook, because it's an awesome tool for figuring out questions related to your gender identity.