Confused about clitoral stimulation and orgasms

[Jenny9905]

I'm not sure I'm posting this in the right place. This is very difficult for me to talk about so please be kind when replying. Thank you.

I'm probably older than the average teen on this website but my experience is probably similar if not the same. I grew up in a conservative house hold and I am expected to save myself for marriage. I wasn't even allowed to date until I was 17 and I got in a lot of trouble the first couple of times I said I was asked out on a date. Anway that's all in the past now but I wanted to give you a brief understanding of my background.

I'm still a virgin and I think I want to stay like this for now at least. But I often feel aroused and have trouble dealing with it. I used to be able to ignore it and distract myself with anything but that was a long time ago. I started masturbating at aome point, probably when I was 16. I only did clitoral stimulation it felt nice but I never climaxed. Over the years I did it on and off because there's been periods when I tried to stop and deny myself. But for the past two years now I've been doing it regularly. Maybe two times a week to three. I'm embarrassed typing this because I wonder if this is excessive? Also, I am often frustrated after because I can never get myself to orgasm. I've read a lot about it, there's been times when I was able to use a vibe and a vibrating wand and it felt nice and intense but past a certain point it stops feeling pleasurable and I end up feeling badly frustrated. I've been so frustrated after masturbating I've cried more times than I like to admit. My ex boyfriend was understanding and said he could help me and we could have what he called "outer course" but we ended up breaking up for some other reason. I currently moved back in with my parents for reasons that are too long to explain and cannot get a vibe or a wand. I saw a sex therapist back on campus one time and she recommended more masturbation and using an electric toothbrush (no idea how this would work).

I'm feeling very disheartened and wondering if I am ever going to be able to orgasm. Can a virgin really orgasm from clitoral stimulation alone? Are there girls who are incapable from experiencing orgasms and how do I know if I am one of them? Is there another way to go about this where I can feel more pleasure and stay a virgin? Was the sex therapist serious about the toothbrush or is this a joke I don't get it?

Also I have a technichal question that's a bit more inappropriate and I'm not sure if it is ok to type here. Most of my clitoris is covered by the hood. If I'm not aroused I can barely see it. When I'm arouaed a tiny bit peaks but still most of it is covered by the hood. When I attempt to masturbate I rub it over the hood. When I tried pulling the hood back it felt much more sensitive. Am I supposed to pull back the hood when I do it?

[Heather]

Hey there, Jenny. We always do our best to be compassionate and kind around here, and it's okay to be on the older end of our userbase. I'm so sorry that this has been so frustrating for you and that you're feeling so hopeless. Let's see if I can't help at least a little.

Your last question brings up something super-essential: there is no "supposed to" in masturbation.

Rather, there's just all of us exploring and experimenting in our very unique ways with our very unique bodies, and seeing what feels good and doesn't. I hear you saying that it felt more stimulating for you to rub your clitoral glans under the hood. If that's what you're after and that feels good to you, then yep, do that! On the other hand, if you do it and it feels too sensitive or doesn't feel good, don't do that. Do other things.

There's a bunch of myths you've brought up I'd like to try and make short work debunking for you so you can let them go and not be burdened by them anymore:
• Being a virgin -- not having had intercourse or a sexual partner, if that's what you mean -- doesn't have much to do with if someone can or does reach orgasm (loads of people don't orgasm with partners, or don't all the time, just FYI). • It's uncommon for people to orgasm from ANY one kind of physical stimulation alone, because orgasm usually also has a good deal to do with how someone is feeling and what's up with them mentally and emotionally.
• The clitoris is a lot more than just the external portions: on the whole, including the internal portions, it's roughly the same size as a penis (more info here, if you'd like -- Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More - and also here -- With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body). Again, orgasm occurring JUST because of some physical contact to one body part and nothing else isn't likely, but by and large, when people with a clitoris experience orgasm a lot of the time, it's usually in large part because of clitoral stimulation. The idea the vagina and intercourse is where all the magic happens is false: in reality, most people with vaginas don't orgasm from vaginal sex alone.
• Two or three times a week is pretty average for masturbation, and lots of people do it more often than that.

Oh, also, what the therapist probably meant was using it as a vibrator, but if she wasn't very clear about that, that's disappointing. A sex therapist shouldn't leave someone who feels like you do wondering about things like this. I'm sorry you've felt like you didn't get the joke with that: that sounds confusing.

There are some people (of all genders) who just can't seem to experience orgasm, but they're pretty rare.

If you're up to talking some about it, I'd be curious to talk about how things are for you with all this intellectually and emotionally. I don't have any sense, for example, of how aroused/turned on you've been feeling, if you're feeling a lot of sexual desire or not, if what you're doing matches or meets those desires. I also don't have any sense of what, if anything, you've done to work through the likely truckload of sexual shame and fear -- maybe also some negative feelings about your body, too? -- your upbringing may have left for you, as growing up like that tends to for a lot of people.

I'm about to finish work for today, but if you're open to it, can you talk to me a little about those kinds of things and anything else that might give me a picture of how you're feeling when it comes to your sexuality and the sex (including masturbation and whatever sexual activities you might have been part of with your ex boyfriend) you've been engaging in? Where your head and heart have been at throughout, including when you're being sexual in some way (again, including by yourself)? I'll be back in the morning to pick up with you if you'd like, regardless. <3