Insecure about my size

[Afte.rmath]

I've always been insecure about my size, that no one will want it and that I'll be humiliated and embarrassed because I'm not well-endowed. I'm only 5.25" x 4.5" (Bone-pressed) and I feel that I can never hit the right spot or that the girl won't be pleased. What even is the average size? I'm still a virgin though, but I'm planning on losing it soon, before I'm 19 (if possible). What do women prefer?

[Siân]

Hi After.math

Honestly, I really don't get what all the hype is about when folks talk about having an oversized penis as a super-desirable thing. If you're thinking about pleasing a partner, then it's really not a high priority for really worthwhile, fulfilling sex for most people, especially since for most people with a vulva intercourse alone isn't what gets them off.

If you want to know about averages, check this out: Shown Actual Size: A Penis Shape & Size Lowdown. I especially recommend the section called "Who does size really matter to most?"

Also, you mentioned that you were planning on having sex soon - do you want to talk at all about being ready for that?

[Afte.rmath]

Hi After.math
Also, you mentioned that you were planning on having sex soon - do you want to talk at all about being ready for that?

Thanks for the link, I'll check it out.

Sure, any questions you'd like to ask me about that?

[Sam W]

Hi Afte.rmath,

Well, you mentioned you plan on having vaginal sex soon (I'm assuming that's what you mean by losing your virginity). Do you have a partner that you're planning on being sexual with? If so, have you two talked about things like safer sex needs, likes and dislikes, and what you each need to feel comfortable during sex?

Or, is it more that you feel odd about having little to no sexual experience and want to have sex soon to "fix" that and don't currently have a partner?

[Afte.rmath]

For me, I feel guilty that I have little to no experience and I want to learn or at least have a little experience, as I don’t really have a partner. I do have some friends I am attracted to though, and while I haven’t expressed my desires, they’re open minded about it and are also knowledgeable about sex. Maybe I’ll meet someone better soon, but I’m not sure. That’s also why I’m asking about size, because I’ve been ridiculed about it before.

[Sam W]

I'm sorry to hear you've been ridiculed for this. As was pointed out in that article, people who get hung up on other people's penis size generally don't have a good understanding of anatomy or what actually goes in to creating sexual pleasure (and also need to mind their own darn business).

Can you tell me a bit more about why you feel guilty about your level of experience? I ask because feeling like you need to have sex to prove or make up for something isn't a great reason to have sex. Likewise, being ready for sex means having a partner who you're actively attracted to and really want to be with, rather than someone who you just view as the best of the available options. You can read more about why that is here: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist.

[Afte.rmath]

Based on the checklist, while I did have some yeses, I also have some where I answered no, which probably means I’m not fully ready yet. To answer your question, I guess I’m guilty (for lack of a better word) because I won’t know how to perform, and I’m guilty whether or not I have experience due to stigma about sex due to religious people everywhere. I’m sorry if I sound confusing, but I would want it to just be natural. You’re right though, I haven’t really been sexually attracted to anyone for quite a while, maybe it’s time for me to meet more people, more open minds.

[Mo]

Everyone comes to sex for the first time without experience, and that's all right! It's good to keep in mind, too, that even when you (or a partner) have had previous sexual partners, each new sexual partner is going to present a learning experience. No one is going to be a sexual "expert" the first time they have sex with a new partner because regardless of what sexual experiences they've had before, a new partner will have their own preferences.

I do want to say, also, that thinking of sex as a "performance" is an idea that will do more harm than good for you, I think. Ideally, sex isn't a performance you're putting on for a passive audience, or something you're doing to someone; it's something that two people are doing together, as a collaborative project where they're both participating. This way of thinking about it might help you take some pressure off of yourself.

[Afte.rmath]

That’s understandable. Thanks. I guess sexual chemistry matters a lot here.

[Siân]

Absolutely! If you're both really excited about having sex together, then all the silly, messy, figuring-it-out bits are a part of the fun, rather than an obstacle in the way