I hate what my brother did to me but I feel as though I can tell no one

[Firefly]

THIS IS SUCH A LONG POST IM VERY SORRY

So to start things off I want to say that even writing this I feel as though people are going to scoff at it and to dismiss it as something really minor. This is a horrifying thought because I feel I've not being able to look at my body the same way since.

When I was 15/16 and my brother was a year younger he was obsessed with touching me. It didn't matter how much I told him to stop, he would grab my boobs, my bum, anything. It was disgusting and completely vile. There were times when I would feel trapped because I was in his path and I knew it was coming but I couldn't move away fast enough. He would squeeze my breasts, slap my bum, and make moans while he did this.

i remember one occassion I was on the right hand side of the couch, my dad in the middle, and my brother on the left hand side nearest the hall. He stood up and instead of walking to the hall, walked around the couch just so he could touch me. And EVERY time I would tell him to stop, to go away, to leave me alone, to fight him off. But it never worked.

I told my mum that it felt like I was being raped by my own brother and she yelled at me for it.

It went on for months and months. The worst time was when he was sent to wake me up from bed and he sat on top of me, began lying on top of me, grabbing my breasts and bum and pretending to have sex with me. He didn't, thankfully he didn't actually hae sex with me, but it didn't stop it feeling as violating as I did. That time I didn't know how to react, I just pretended to sleep. I couldn't fight him off, he was stronger than me, and I knew at that point my parents were no help. It makes me angry in a way. Furious even. I should have fought harder, have tried harder to get him to stop, to leave me alone.

It messed me up, because 15/16 is normally the age people start to explore their sexuality and their bodies, but from that point sex became violence for me. I had to protect myself, my body, because people out in the world like my brother sought to hurt it. Sex wasn't fun, it didn't seem fun to me, it seemed something men enjoyed while women were in pain. It was a thing men did to women and women had no agency in the matter. I'm scared of my own body, I can't bare to touch my area at all, not without something in between (e.g I can use toilet roll to wipe myself but the thought of touching anything down there with my fingers makes my blood run cold)

I'm finally able to talk about this now, or at least acknowledge that this Trauma has hurt me deeply, and caused me a lot of body issues and fear and anxiety around sex and relationships.

But I told my mum, stupidly I explained to her again at age 22 why I have such an issue with my body and she seemed to blame me. To tell me that I should have stopped him. She also told me my breasts weren't that big at 16 so it wasn't a big deal.

And the thing is, I want to tell someone else. Someone that cares and that will understand, but I feel dirty and disgusting. I feel a layer of grime over me and that if I told my friend they would see it somehow. I've been talking to my friend a lot about sex. She has some similar issues to me with her body and she has helped me start feeling more positive about my area and sex in general. She knows Something happened to me and I think I've told her what it entails but I've never told her it was my brother. I'm worried she'll think my whole family are weird incestuous hill billy type people. And that's not true.

I hate my brother, and I don't love my parents. I think they could have done more for me. But my aunts, uncles, and little cousins I love deeply and I would hate for her to think badly of them.

This is the first time I've wrote or told anyone all these feelings out loud and I'm sorry it's so long but I just want some help, and advice, and to know I'm not insane.

Thanks

[Siân]

Hi Firefly,

I'm so sorry that your brother did these things to you. It is absolutely not your fault, he is the one who repeatedly touched you without your consent - when you said no even. I'm sorry your parents have been so unsupportive; your mum is in the wrong here - you are absolutely not to blame, he's the one that chose to do these things. You should never have to fight someone off and your body size and shape has nothing to do with how much of a "big deal" it is. No wonder you're angry.

I'm really glad that you felt able to share your story with us here, and that you have a friend that you are starting to be able to talk these things through with. It's completely understandable that sex can seem like this intimidating, potentially violent thing after everything you've been through. It doesn't have to be though. Real, wanted sex (not abuse or assault) is about EVERYONE's pleasure and comfort.

I get that you're feeling a lot of shame right now, but the guilt lies squarely with him, not with you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You've taken some really brave steps in coming to talk with us, and in starting to open up to your friend. How much you share with her is, of course, totally up to you. You said you'd like some advice; a really good next step might be speaking to someone like a counsellor or therapist, what do you think?

[Firefly]

Thank you so much, this brings me so much validation and I appreciate it greatly! Even if its anonomously on the internet, talking about this has made something heavy lift of my chest!

I would love to speak to someone like a counsellor or therapist, but I recently moved to Northern Ireland and I haven't registered with a doctor over here as they are in Scotland.

I also want to tell my friend the full story, but I feel it's a conversation that has to happen face to face, and she is also, unfortunately in Scotland.

I'm worried she'll see me differently, but I hope she wont.

Thanks again

[Sam W]

Hi Firefly,

I'm so, so glad talking and getting support here is helping you. If you'd like, we can help you connect with some resources for sexual assault survivors that are based in Northern Ireland (we're also more than happy to keep talking with you here in addition to that). Those would be trained to help people who've gone through what you have, and you can usually access them without being linked to bigger healthcare networks. That way, you can start getting even more supports sooner rather than later. Would you like me to get you some of those resources?

Wanting to share your experience of trauma with someone, even someone you're close to and feel supported by, can feel really daunting. It makes a lot of sense that this kind of conversation feels like it needs to be face to face. With your friend, do you think something like a video chat would serve the same function? Or would it being in-person be the option that makes you most comfortable?

[Siân]

Hi Firefly, I don't have anything to add to what Sam said, I just wanted to say that I'm really glad that opening up here has helped, and we're here for you.

[Firefly]

Thank you to you both!

I'm sorry, I tried to reply to this when you posted but it crashed somehow

I would love for you to connect me with some resources for sexual assault survivors that are based in Northern Ireland because I'm really struggling and I don't know where to go! I also find it difficult processing it and I'm just never sure how to forget about it when it was my brother who did those thigs to me, and I'll never be able to get him out of my life completley

I messaged my friend about video chatting and she seems eager to do that, so I might have the oppurtunity soon. I just worry she'll brush it off the way my mum did! But hearing you both react with sympathy fills me with such hope, thank you so much

[Mo]

It looks like Nexus NI or The Rowan might be good places to start; they offer helplines and it looks like the Nexus at least offers free in-person counseling at a few different locations.

I really hope that video chatting with your friend is a good experience, and that she's supportive. It could be that it's easier for her to see and understand the trauma you went through because she isn't part of your family; a sad fact about sexual abuse by family members is that some people are so unequipped to deal with the reality that one family member could abuse the other that they choose to deny or downplay the impact of the abuse instead of supporting the person who needs it most. I don't say that to excuse your mother's reaction; I think it's pretty inexcusable. But I really hope you'll find that other people you talk to about this are more able to see the situation for what it really is and offer you their support.