Struggling to get anywhere by masturbating...

[perplexedpeach]

Hello! Thank you for taking the time to read my post, even though it probably seems like a very common issue... And to some extent, it is. Problem is, I still can't work out what to try next, so I figured I might as well give this a shot.

So, I'm a hetero cis-female 21yr old, I'm a virgin (in every sense of the word haha), I've never been in a romantic or sexual relationship and I've never had any sexual experiences, hell, I've never even held hands with a guy! The lack of romantic or sexual experience in my life is not for lack of interest in it by the way, it's just never really happened.

I do read smut though. Well, I'm not sure what the best word to describe what I read is - usually romantic stories that come with smut and sexual content I guess (wattpad anyone? ). And it definitely turns me on, that much I know.

As I have been experiencing that arousal more and more, I've wanted to address it, I guess its a natural response to have a physical urge to do something about the feeling. My problem is that I have tried everything under the sun (well, I'm exaggerating, but you know) and for the life of me, I can't work out what works. I have read all the posts and articles about how to masturbate and things to try, I've had time to myself to take it slow and relax while reading content that turns me on. The second I go to try any of the methods I've prepared (i.e. I don't need to stop reading or anything to get going), the physical feelings lessen or disappear all together! I've been trying on and off for almost 5 months now and even when I'm relaxed and enjoying myself, I can never 'address' the feeling, it's just a medium level of physical arousal that I want to do something about but can't. I'm not that frustrated by it all, I'm just confused...

Do I just give up for now and try again in a year ? Do I wait until I have done physical things with a guy and then try again? It's just such a useless feeling to feel turned on and then just get that far, I want to enjoy it properly because my body is telling me I'm doing something it likes.

I don't know hahaha, I'm running out of ideas. Any thoughts?
Thanks in advance <3

[Sam W]

Hi perplexedpeach,

It sounds like you've already been doing a ton of experimenting and research around this, which is awesome. To make sure I'm following correctly, what's happening is you'll be turned on but when you try to physically start masturbating, that arousal just goes away?

I will say that you don't have to wait to have done sexual things with a partner to try this again. Being sexual with someone else is no guarantee that you'll figure out how to orgasm.

[perplexedpeach]

Thanks for the reply Yeah, usually as soon as I go to start in almost any way, often I just dont feel turned on anymore. Even if I continue to read etc, it doesn't seem to come back unless I wait a while. Sometimes it doesnt go away, but it certainly doesnt increase in intensity/feeling. I guess I’m ok with just waiting till it works one day haha, it’s just a little irritating that I know I’m feeling turned on and can’t seem to do anything about it.

[Heather]

Well, it might also help to realize that people will often be turned on and not do anything about it. I mean, that's a pretty common part of life.

Maybe we don't or can't do anything about it because we're on the subway, or at work, or hanging out with friends. Maybe we have a commitment to do something else. Maybe we want to do something about it with another person, but someone isn't available, etc.

Too, there are other ways for us to use "turned-on" energy if we have some and sex either isn't a place we can use it, or isn't a place we want to, for whatever reason. For instance, it can be great energy for creative work or for some kind of movement or exercise.

That all said, do you feel like you have any feelings about masturbation or other kinds of sex, or your body or sexuality, that might be informing this? In other words, if you feel raring to go but then touch yourself and it's like all the lights have gone out, sometimes that can be because we have some kind of conflict that's creating that situation.

[perplexedpeach]

Hmmm that’s an interesting point. I guess I am struggled and have struggled for a while with self confidence. I’ve overcome that in regards to who I am as a person and am now very happy with myself, but I’m still jumping over hurdles with my body confidence. It’s not constantly on my mind but I guess it does affect my ability to see myself as sexy... I guess that’s something I should chat to my therapist about... Good luck to me to get the confidence for that haha!

[Sam W]

Hi Perplexedpeach,

Yep, conflicting or negative feelings about your body can definitely create the dynamic Heather was mentioning. So, they may very well be playing a role here. Talking with your therapist about them sounds like an excellent idea and a great way to utilize the supports you've built for yourself.

I want to toss this article your way, since it sounds like some of what's in it might be helpful: The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism. We can also give you some other resources on learning to love (or at least be okay with) your body if that's something you'd be interested in.

[perplexedpeach]

Thanks for that link. I’ll have a look. I might have a browse around the message boards etc for some other related stuff. I don’t think I have the courage to bring this all up with my therapist just yet (I’ll be honest, I don’t see myself doing it at all... ) but I’ll try to work myself up to it.
Thanks!!

[Siân]

Let us know if reading the link throws anything up for you! We're always here and happy to talk some more.

Would you like to brainstorm ways of bringing this up with your therapist? For example, you don't need to jump into talking to them about masturbation to speak about body issues more generally and approaches to getting over that.

[perplexedpeach]

I definitely think that article touches on a couple of things. It's tricky because I consider myself very self confident but also quite lacking in confidence at the same time, just in different ways - I'm very confident in who I am as a person, I know that I'm a good person and I'm smart and I've recently been able to acknowledge the fact that I am actually funny to people other than myself. But physically is a different story and I know I've had a mild eating disorder (never officially 'diagnosed' by anyone, but I know it) pretty much since I was 12. It's hard because the two don't fit together so well - I know logically that I'm a fun person and everything, but the whole body image thing isn't influenced by logic.

Anyway... That was a little bit of a ramble, but I think that maybe approaching it from a different angle first with my psychologist is a good idea. I guess I hadn't thought about it that way. It'll be hard as is to bring it up with her -I'll admit my body image and bad relationship with food is something I'm rather ashamed of - but I think I can do it. Maybe it'll be a more natural progression from there I guess. If you have any tips for that, I would be totally open to them!

[Siân]

Yeah, it's funny how sometimes we mentally separate out our mind from our body and feel differently about the two - I know I went through an "I'm not pretty but at least I'm smart" phase at one point. Feeling confident in some areas and less so in others doesn't make that confidence less real, just more specific! Maybe take a second to appreciate the fact that you're able to point to things you DO like about yourself.

Of course, feeling comfortable with both who we are and how we relate to our body is likely to lead to greater happiness overall - as well as being good for your sexual/romantic life - so working on body confidence is a great move! I get that it's hard to admit that you're struggling with this to your therapist. If it's any help, I'm sure they will have heard similar things before and there's no shame in asking for help. My first suggestion for working out how to bring it up is to come up with a short script - even just a sentence - to open the conversation so you feel prepared. You can think of some follow up points too if that helps. It can be as simple as "I've realised that I want a better relationship with my body - can we talk about that?" What do you think?

[perplexedpeach]

Sorry, I totally forgot to reply!! I think I could try it. Honestly, I'm just ashamed of it being a thing that I have such an issue with. I get that people have body confidence and self-esteem issues all the time, and in fact it's one of the areas my psyc happens to specialise in. But still, I'm definitely ashamed of my eating issues and body confidence issues so even saying that sentence you suggested seems really tough. Then I think about that and I think I'm being silly, it's just a sentence after all, and I'm sure she's used to this kind of thing. And then of course, I know that whatever I feel is valid, so feeling that way isn't 'silly'. Ugh, I'm all up in my head aren't I I wonder if maybe I could prepare something on a piece of paper, like actually physically write it out, so that all I have to do is work up the courage to hand her the piece of paper. That definitely seems silly to me, but if it works then who cares, I guess...

[Sam W]

Hi PerplexedPeach,

Writing it out on a piece of paper is actually a great idea! I'd say the vast majority of therapists know that there are things it can be hard for clients to put into words, so having a client write something out instead is pretty common.