Boyfriend and abandonment issues

[Mo]

Yes, feel free to keep us posted. I do agree with others above that being direct and having that conversation, as intimidating as it might be, will be the best in the long run. Best of luck in initiating and having that talk with him!

[larajeancovey23]

okay...he hasn't replied..how do I word that we need to have a conversation?

[larajeancovey23]

I apologized for what I said..I told him that I was sorry I didn't mean to sound like I was accusing or anything..I was just confused and I'm sorry if it came across that way

[Gone.Sorry.]

okay...he hasn't replied..how do I word that we need to have a conversation?

How are you feeling? What do you want to hash out in the conversation? What times can you talk? Summarize that and present it to him.

For example (this should always be in your own words, this is JUST to give you an idea - not to put words in your mouth): "I'm hurt and confused regarding being seemingly ignored for three weeks. I want to be in a relationship with you, but we need to talk before that can happen. I'd like to talk about what happened, what we both want from this relationship and what compromises and methods we'd need to get such a relationship, and about how to start rebuilding our relationship from here. Do you have an hour or two to talk on the phone? I can talk during [times, days this week]."

[larajeancovey23]

I don't know if I can do it...I've gone through similar things before and every time I'd ask to talk or ask for clarity it doesn't end well anyway( no response at all)...I think if he really cared he would have messaged me and if he actually wanted to still be with me he would have said it..I'm really just too afraid to even ask. His actions are making me feel like he's just fine without me..

[larajeancovey23]

Maybe things just change..idk what could have changed in him if his aunt passed away and he just disappeared for three weeks..and I probably made it worse by apologizing like five times..

[Heather]

I keep hearing you put a lot of blame on yourself for your boyfriend's behavior and feelings. Thing is, you're not responsible for those: only he is.

I have heard you, throughout this thread, not only doing that a lot, but also saying a lot of things about this relationship that make it sound like it's never really left you feeling all that great: you talk about lot of (you say little, but still) fights, you have talked about feeling like you can't be honest or ask for things you need for fear he'll dump you, you say that with previous conflicts when you have tried to communicate with him, it hasn't gone well, that he's just ignored you, etc. But you also have said a lot about just not feeling like the way he seems to both need and then takes time away from you works for you.

In one of your last posts, you say you think he's just fine without you. I'm not 100% sure what you mean by that, but all of us actually should be fine without another person. For sure, we may have times we wish they were there, and times when things go better, or we feel better in them, with an other person, but in order to be in healthy relationships, we all actually do have to be able to be okay without each other. When we're not, that's a dependence or codependence that usually just isn't healthy.

I'm going to suggest something a little different than others have suggested up until now: how about you just go ahead and give him the space he's taking? I agree with you and everyone else that the *way* he does that isn't great, but for yourself, how about you try and stop focusing on him for a while and just do what you need to take care of yourself and get your needs met? If you need emotional support in general, or around this, might you have a friend or two you could reach out to? How about also spending time on your own things: how do you like to spend your time when you're not in a dating relationship? What might all of the focus on this have kept you away from you could go spend some time in?

How about also spending some time doing things that help you manage stress? What do you usually do to do that? I can't speak for you, but for me that is usually things like hiking or riding a bike, playing with my dog, chilling out in nature, taking care of my plants, cooking or baking, reading books, making or listening to music.

Lastly, how about calling in to your therapist to get some extra help with this? I agree with them, the way you've attached to this doesn't sound like it's helping you, and by all means, your past experiences sound like they probably make all of this harder. But it also sounds to me like you have given a LOT of your own power over to this relationship: you have given it and your boyfriend the ability to be totally in charge of your own self-worth, things like if you feel loved or not. That's so painful, and it of course is going to leave you feeling insecure and scared right now. How about doing some things to start reclaiming that power so this -- or any -- relationship doesn't have so much power over you, you know?

[larajeancovey23]

I mean..like he's fine without me as in he doesn't need me..and I'm not saying like I need someone, but idk. Maybe that's what the issue is I do this everytime I have a problem with a guy...I just miss him. And we've never had like a fight fight..it would just be tiny things mostly like based on moods. Oh..I understand that because my therapist and I talked about co dependency..it's just I feel like I've always been alone..and when someone is there I just enjoy having their..company.

[larajeancovey23]

Idk I just do whatever I feel like doing..besides work and school..and yeah I have friends and I've talked to them about it..it's not the same type of fulfillment I feel like from my boyfriend. I haven't said anything to him since because I just feel really awful

[larajeancovey23]

It's exhausting..to keep having to ask to talk to guys and me trying to always fight for someone..I want to be fought for too..or cared about..I wish I didn't care so much.

[larajeancovey23]

All the things I do when I'm not in a relationship..are just I mean I've done them all so it isn't new. Just feels the same..like nothing. Like tbh I feel numb..even now and obviously a relationship isn't happy all the time..but I'm just tired..yeah I think I'll just let him do whatever..since I don't think he cares

[Heather]

Of all the posts you just made, this one stood out to me most:

It's exhausting..to keep having to ask to talk to guys and me trying to always fight for someone..I want to be fought for too..or cared about..I wish I didn't care so much.

I am not at all surprised you feel exhausted. I'd be surprised if you weren't!

I do think that some of that is about how much you are investing in this, for one, and how much you set up to ride on a boyfriend. In other words, you say you don't get the same validation from friends as from a boyfriend, and I suspect that's because you feel -- for whatever reason -- that a romantic relationship or response is more validating. The truth is, that's not objectively the case.

I mean, for one, you're worth all you are whether you have ANY relationships or not: your worth doesn't change whether or not you have a boyfriend, friends or family. All those people can give us things, but our own self-worth isn't one of them. I do think that if you can start making some changes when it comes to your elf-esteem and learning to give more of that to yourself you won't feel so desperate and exhausted from these relationships.

But it also sounds like, at least in this case, you've picked someone who it feels a little, to me, like you're chasing. For whatever the reason, it feels a bit like when you move forward, he backs out. Too, if you have to fight for someone to want to be with you all the time, that's not just how things are. That suggests to me that either that person just isn't all that into this, that you want things maybe a relationship just can't or won't give you, or both.

Now, some of his looking like he's constantly backing off might be his reaction to feeling how attached you are, and how insecure you seem to be feeling, but it also might be that this just isn't someone who is a good fit for you in terms of what you need. Everyone isn't a good fit for us just because we like them, you know? We're just not compatible with everyone. I do think that everything else aside, you'd likely feel a lot more secure and a lot happier with someone who was more open to really talking things through, in a supportive, caring and patient way, when there's conflict or when you're having tough feelings. I think you obviously need a partner who just is a lot more reassuring as a person than this person is.

I'm not sure why you feel like doing things you have already done is a reason not to do them, but if you aren't interested in those things anymore, by all means, you can certainly seek out new things. Let's try this: separate from romantic relationships, how do you like to spend your time? What do you do to express and enjoy yourself? Too, how about looking towards what you want for your life: what are your dreams and aspirations? What things that are important to you can you put your energy into the way you have put it into this relationship?

[larajeancovey23]

I've sent him a message on how I feel and that I'd like to talk about it..but I think I will end up more hurt than I already am

[larajeancovey23]

Idk if it's validation..I'm not like out looking for boyfriends all the time. I don't ever look for one..it just happens. So when I have one..and this is my second one, I like it..and we have talked about attachment but he said he got attached too..it's been about 5 years since I've been with anyone..like this..I just want something to work out..we were compatible before all this happened..he used to be all those things..patient and reassuring but

[larajeancovey23]

maybe I was just too much..and I'm sure my anxiety and past experiences didn't make it better. I told him that we need to talk..or I'd like to and how I was feeling a little frustrated and hurt by how he's been lately..but I've blocked him because I don't think I can take it if he doesn't answer..and I get very down. When my ex and I broke up and he left me for another girl..I almost committed suicide because I felt so awful. I'm just tired of people leaving..I just want someone to stay..I'm tired of feeling special for months or days or weeks and then..not anymore. I thought this could work because it has been seven months..and we were getting closer to him coming over..and we were planning everything..but I don't think it will.no matter how much I want it to

[larajeancovey23]

All of this is just starting to add on to my past...it's not self esteem. Cause I was in a good place when we started talking..and I think lately I just haven't been because he's acting this way..even though you're supposed to "have it all together" whether someone likes you or not..of course I'm extremely hurt when I don't get a text back or when someone's nice for months just to have sex and leaves..or when someone cheated on me and left..all I feel is pain at the moment..it's come to the point when I get to know someone I automatically think they're going to hurt me..I don't even look forward to anything to it's full potential..I'm just wondering in my head..when is this person going to leave or today could be the last day I talk to them..or something could happen and they could leave..or if I react this way they're going to leave..it already took all of me to trust him after being hurt before by someone else..and someone else before that and someone else before that

[larajeancovey23]

I used to be really trusting and my self esteem was so high before I ended up with my ex and he broke me...and it's just fluctuated. I'm so used to people leaving I'm not even sure if I should let anyone in..and we started off as friends before so it wasn't like we rushed into anything..it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and I have to "fix" it. And it makes me really sad..to watch something so good just fall apart..and I think of the things we won't get to do..that I was looking forward to..

[larajeancovey23]

even though before he disappeared for that three weeks he told me we could talk about it..and we never did..I never forced him to..I might of sent a lot of texts..but they were my feelings

[Sam W]

So, there are a few things in what you're describing that jump out at me. The first big one is that, at this point, I'd suggest waiting to see if he actually responds before texting again. He knows what you are asking for from him, and it's best if you give him the space to decide how to proceed, or if he wants to answer at all. Too, as Heather mentioned above, it sounds like you expend a lot of energy trying to chase him down; this is a good time to practice taking a step back.

I'm also wondering if the less-kind parts of your brain are causing you to see a pattern where there may not really be one. You say that he's only your second boyfriend, but that everyone leaves you. Does that everyone include friends (or family?) Or are you solely referring to romantic partners? Likewise, when you say, "it's come to the point when I get to know someone I automatically think they're going to hurt me" is that a fear you feel around all relationships? Or only romantic ones?

Right now, it sounds like you're pouring almost all your energy into this situation, or into thinking about past relationships. So, part of feeling a little better may come with finding other places to put your focus. Can you answer the questions Heather posed: Let's try this: separate from romantic relationships, how do you like to spend your time? What do you do to express and enjoy yourself? Too, how about looking towards what you want for your life: what are your dreams and aspirations? What things that are important to you can you put your energy into the way you have put it into this relationship?

[larajeancovey23]

I mean like people I've dated..so just romantic relationships. And just romantic ones..usually if someone hurts me who I'm not romantically involved in I don't care much. I guess I made a mistake in sending him a text that we needed to talk then..or saying how I felt.

[larajeancovey23]

I work..and go to school..well most things I enjoy involved things that he also enjoyed because we like the same things so really it just reminds me of him. I've turned my phone on silent from him today..I'm not sure if I made a mistake in telling him that it exhausts me or I feel hurt by it..

[larajeancovey23]

I like working out a lot..but I have to take a break cause I got a tattoo recently. I really don't even remember being genuinely happy single..I mean I guess I was just content when all of this happened..just content. I hang out with my friends a lot..but def not in the mood to see them tonight

[larajeancovey23]

....I feel like I make mistake after mistake after mistake but like I've described before I don't even have to make a mistake cause there have been times I'm just talking to someone(romantically) casually and they disappear completely and I don't even show any emotions or ask for anything..they just disappear

[larajeancovey23]

My focus is always gonna be on whatever goes wrong in life...but I can control school and work..so I can fix it, but relationships I can't..because I'm always screwing something up

[larajeancovey23]

Because I'm too emotional..or too needy or just overall too much and it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me as I am and I need to fix this so someone will love me..because they won't love me and my problems that come with me..they'll only love the good part of me..my body and the way I look and not all the things that come with me..not if they're issues. I must just scare people off when I freak out..