Is sex life really worse after having a child?

[infinitynbeyond]

Hi,

I’m sorry if I have posted this in the wrong area. I was hoping to hear from others who have had children and are in relationships.

I have been with my partner for 3 years now and we have basically lived together for almost that entire time. We have a relatively stable life and we have even raised our own dog. I graduated about 6 months ago so I’m sort of going through this transitional phase, and I have suddenly started to think about babies.

Well I say suddenly but it’s like the thought occurred to me one day out of no where and ever since then I can’t seem to get it out of my mind (even when actively trying). I manage to forget about it and then when I’m with my partner, I often get so lovey thinking about how much I love him and that visions come back of us with a child. I of course have thought of this before and we have talked about how we would like one together in future etc, but it seems like the thoughts now have this different sense of urgency. When I think about it... I feel like I really want that.

I’m 25, so age wise there is nothing really to stop me. Although I don’t have a stable job yet (kind of tough after graduation) I have learned that as a creative person, a career won’t come all that easily anyway and it’ll be a slow burner journey (my partner provides for us). Obviously I would ideally want to be in an even more secure position but already we are very blessed.

However, the only thing stopping me is the idea of how having a child may unexpectedly affect my relationship with my partner - particularly sexually (as I imagine that emotionally it will increase our bond). This is really important to me and it’s something I don’t want to change. The sexual aspect of our relationship has been developing past few months as well because he lost his confidence along the way and we have just started to bring that back (in a new way). I don’t want to do anything that jeopardises our relationships harmony, especially huge things like that.

I’m not sure if I could bare being in a situation where we have a kid and after that have no time for one another in a way that is igniting and not sloppy/lazy. And I would hate the idea that it has to be scheduled, that our passion is lost. Especially since passion is what fuels this vision of us in the first place... my passion for our love and what we have.

I have heard so many stories about how people just stop caring about sex or just can never really have sex after a kid. Is it really like this after having a child?

[Amanda F]

Hi infinitynbeyond,

This is definitely a concern that a lot of prospective parents have! It's a bit of a stereotype that couples' sex lives go downhill after they have children, and there's probably also some truth to it, too - mostly because having kids is a huge life change for couples. You have a brand new set of responsibilities, a new human being asking for tons of attention that you might otherwise have given to your partner, and being a new parent is just really, really tiring. So it makes sense that sex might become less frequent, or change in other ways, after children are in the picture.

All of that said, having kids doesn't have to spell total doom for your sex life. You and your partner can absolutely continue to have wonderful, fulfilling, passionate sex - it will probably just take more work to make it happen. For example, you'll have to find time (or schedule time) to be alone together, have sex that matches your energy levels, and maybe even find new ways of being intimate that don't fit into just one idea of what "sex" is like (which is something I think was brought up previously by Heather and others - I'm glad to hear your sex life together has been coming back!). Being flexible and understanding with your partner always makes for good sex, and it becomes even more important when you have a child.

Have you talked to your partner about your concern? Does he share it? And generally speaking, how do you feel your communication about sex is?

[jennyt]

Hi there!
Just wanted to comment from my perspective:
I'm 33 and have two kids - a 15-year-old and a 7-year-old. I am married. Our sex life varies from day to day, week to week, and month to month. Sometimes I or he is in the mood and sometimes one of us isn't. It's the ebbs and flows of life. Other times our sex drive is so high and we just are insatiable. We've been together for 15 years (met him when my son was 3 months old).

There are other factors there, too. I was diagnosed recently with major depressive disorder, and that was after multiple sclerosis. So, there were definitely times where I was not in the mood, wanted nothing to do with sex for a month! Then I talked to my doctor, and found out about the MDD and she prescribed some meds. I feel like myself again, and that helped with my sex drive.

There are a lot of things that can affect one's sexual desire. Everything from postpartum depression, to any variety of depressive disorders, and various other factors that are both medical and not.

Have you guys tried different ways to keep it hot? Sext each other a bit during the day? Sensual massages? Exploring with bedroom accessories to keep it hot? Doing things for your partner because they enjoy it (I love when my husband brings home a slice of cheesecake from the store, for example, lol, or does something simple like changing the sheets or warming my towel while I'm in the shower)? We took the love language quiz and while touch and gifts are my priority, acts of service is my husband's #1 love language. So now that I know how to show him love, I can do these little things that show him love, and he can do the same for me. It certainly helps kick start the motor sometimes (if you know what I mean) lol

Anyways. I hope that helps a bit. Just some of the things we do - and we've been together 15 years, married almost 12.

[Heather]

I also want to add that scheduling time for sex or other intimacy -- something a lot of couples do -- doesn't have to mean there isn't passion anymore. That's a myth -- about what being passionate is, about scheduling, about all of it. People can still have a passionate sex life when time together is scheduled, just like we can when, for instance, we agree to a day and time to go out on a date!

If and when you're in a relationship where both people have pretty full lives, this will often become a necessity, whether or not kids are part of that picture. I don't know what you're picturing here, but it sounds like you're imagining it's some kind of drag.

I think a lot of people who haven't scheduled time for sex before imagine that it looks different than it actually does, that there's this day and time and the people involved show up, disrobe, and then go at it in that scheduled time. But in reality, all a scheduled time is is a date: it's a day and time you agree to keep clear and show up for each other with the mutual intention of some kind of intimacy. You don't have to decide what kind, and you also get to do all the things you can when it is NOT scheduled, including being spontaneous about what you do sexually and if you do anything sexually: it's not like anyone *has* to, it's just a time you clear so that you *can.*

Some extra bonuses? You can do things like plan surprises, get all the juice anticipation gives you -- something that a lot of couples get a lot less of once they stop dating and start cohabitating -- and also get to know you both are making a real commitment to this part of your relationship.