Boyfriend + girlfriend + me = ???

[Mandy]

I found myself in a situation and need advice. My friend and I have created a girl/girl relationship together. We kept it between us and nobody else knew. She found herself a boyfriend and I had no problem with it and we both agreed that we would not tell him and keep it simple. But we started talking with each other about maybe telling him about it and maybe adding him, she was mostly tired of keeping a sexual secret from him and I understood. She told him about us and I initially thought that things between the three of us would go slow and maybe not go anywhere at all but that didn't happen. Last week the three of us got together and we fooled around but I did not have intercourse with him. Yesterday I did have intercourse with him with her also doing the same.
Initially her and I had this fun Carefree relationship, sometimes sexual but most of the time not. Sometimes we would just lay in bed together and be naked and talk to each other and kiss. But now we have her boyfriend, and now instead of fun-loving and carefree now it's him trying to tell us what we should try and how we should do it. He is nice and charming but he is taking control over something that initially never involved him.
I need some balance on how to keep everybody happy with what we are doing. I need to talk to him about what is okay and what is not okay but do it in a way that will not cause a problem. I like him, I think he is a wonderful guy, but for him it's sex sex and more sex and for her and I it was love friendship and sex.
What I'm worried about the most is that he is going to tell one of his friends about how he is banging two girls. And I need to have a serious talk with him about that. I don't mind doing what I am doing but it needs to stay between the three of us.
My other question is safe sex and I want to know if him using the same condom on both of us is still considered safe? Her and I have been partners for several months but now that we have shared a condom does that change anything?

[Mo]

Hi there, Mandy, and welcome to Scarleteen.

It sounds like your next step here needs to be having a few conversations with everyone involved, where you make sure that all three of you have the same understanding of what the parameters of all these relationships are. What I'd suggest is actually to have three different conversations: one with your friend, where you talk about the relationship you'd like to have with her and how you do or don't want to be involved with her boyfriend, one with the boyfriend, where you establish those wants and boundaries with him, and then a time for the three of you to sit down together and discuss all of this.
I can't give you a specific way to talk about the relationships the three of you have without it causing a problem, but not talking about this is likely to cause more problems, if you all aren't on the same page about things (and it sounds like you aren't, right now).

In terms of safer sex, we definitely recommend condom use, but if he's using the same condom when having sex with both of you, that's not part of proper condom use; he should be swapping them out between partners. I don't know if you and your friend were practicing safer sex with use of barriers before her boyfriend entered the picture, but that's something you may want to talk about; in fact I suggest that safer sex practices and birth control be a part of the conversation the three of you have together. Our primer on safer sex is here, if you want a good reference point to start with: Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To.

[Gone.Sorry.]

Hi, Mandy!

I had a longer response written out, but Mo covered most everything I was going to say, so I got rid of those bits, which got redundant since they completely agreed with Mo.

The one thing I was going to add to was your question of how to bring it up without causing a problem. I know conversations like these seem very big and scary and serious - and they are serious, that much is true - but just because a conversation is serious or important doesn't mean it's problematic or somehow inherently wrong to have. I think if just plainly telling him (and your girl-friend) "hey, I'd like to talk about how we each view this relationship and what our boundaries are" causes a problem, then there's a bigger, underlying issue that needs addressed. It totally makes sense that you're experiencing some nerves/anxiety over bringing this up (it is a scary thing to do! it involves being a little open and vulnerable and that can be very hard), so try not to get too caught up in overthinking what may happen, as this can cause our worries to compound sometimes. I think/hope the most realistic thing that's likely to happen is simply that you two have a somewhat tough conversation and ultimately sort some things out that make you more aware and more comfortable of where things are going.

Good luck! =)

[Mandy]

I want to give an update and tell the both of you that yesterday I got together with my girlfriend and we had a conversation on how I wanted a friendship between the three of us first and a sexual relationship second, that sex was okay but I wanted us to get together for other non-sexual events also. We talked with the boyfriend later and he was okay with this. What I did last night was have a night with him and him only so that we could understand more about each other, and I believe it worked.
The three of us also agreed that no other guys were allowed, and no kissing/hugging/etc at school.
Didn't talk about safe sex, but I am okay with sharing a condom as I have been with her a dozen times already. It also makes it that much more intimate.
Would all of this be a polygamy relationship in some way? How common is something like this? How common is something like this in high school?
I think we have it figured out but please let me know if you have other advice.

[al]

Hi Mandy,

I'm glad to hear that you all were able to talk about things explicitly.
In terms of what you call it, that's sort of up to you! I can't speak to how common it is in high schoolers versus the main population, but I will say that you're not alone! There are all sorts of ways that people arrange out their relationships/partnerships, and the only person that can say whether they're right or wrong is the people who are actively in them. Have you checked out A First Polyamory Guide yet? Even if you don't use that word to describe your relationships, it has some great tips about communicating with partners and friends and everything in between.
I see your logic about having had sex with your girlfriend before, and having already been potentially "exposed", but as Mo said, condoms are only meant to be used once per session, per partner. Using them between people increases the risk that they will leak or break, and can potentially spread STIs. Did you get a chance to look through the article that Mo sent you? What thoughts did it bring up for you about risk for STIs and/or pregnancy?
You mentioned that it "feels more intimate". Can you say more on that?

[Gone.Sorry.]

I don't have much to add answer-wise. I do want to say that if you're having/have been having unprotected sex (like it sounds like you might have with your girlfriend), it would be a good idea for you (and your partners) to go get an STI checkup, if you haven't already, just to make sure that everything is hunky-dory. Mostly, though, I just dropped by to say that I'm glad you had the conversations and they went well! That's great. =)