coming out

[sky]

So, today I found a girl pretty at work. I said, wow she’s beautiful holy crap. My coworker (cis male) then started to tell me I should go talk to her etc I said “no, I don’t wanna talk to anyone, I like being single and having myself” I didn’t know what else to say. He brought it up all day! He told another coworker while someone else was there that I liked her and needed to talk to her. I said, again “no, I don’t wanna talk to her like I said, I don’t want anyone” He was like we all want someone I said “I don’t desire that or sex or anything like that, but I think she’s pretty and others are too it’s aesthetically”

One of them questioned it and I said “you ever heard of asexual?” He said “yeah but I don’t know about it” and the other guy said “he just doesn’t understand” (I love that one he’s so so nice to me all the time). Later the guy who questioned me about it said something and I honestly don’t even remember what it was I said “some of us just don’t want to have sex, or like hugs or kissing like I don’t” he said “what’s wrong with you I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now” I just kinda walked away and said “we exist”.

That was the first time I’ve ever publicly said something about being ace. It didn’t go badly but also, I just wish that no one had to question it or make comments. I don’t understand, why they do that. Maybe I just shouldn’t say anything about people being pretty or anything. I mean it was my fault for even stating she’s pretty right? I don’t know really but it sucks that there’s millions more people who feel like that. I don’t think I’m ever going to come out to anyone else. I’m kinda like frustrated? It’s not that hard to grasp is it?

[Mo]

It's understandable that you'd be frustrated, and I'm sorry that the first time you talked to someone else about being asexual went that way. It sounds like the problem here was that your coworker wouldn't let the issue drop and kept insisting you ask this woman out, not that you made a comment about her being attractive.
I don't think the concept of asexuality is hard to understand, but I do think some folks are less willing to empathize with and accepting of identities and experiences that aren't their own than others are. It's possible that your coworker could come to understand asexuality better after taking the time to educate himself more, but for now it might be easiest to avoid getting into a lot of detail with him. Not because asexuality (or any sexual orientation) is bad to talk about, but because having really in-depth conversations about questions of identity can add a lot of stress to the workplace.

[Heather]

Hey, Sky.

On top of what Mo said, which I agree with, I want to add that I think in general, at work, we're not going to want to tell most of our co-workers things like you did (especially if this was about someone else you work with). Sometimes, for sure, we develop friendships with co-workers, and that changes the boundaries some, and obviously also gives us more information about who we can share things like this with. But it doesn't sound like this first co-worker was your friend (at least I sure hope not, friends should do a lot better with limits and boundaries than this guy was), and if I recall right, there have also been some issues in the past at your workplace with sexual harassment.

So personally, knowing what I know about your workplace, I'd suggest not going here at work save in very private settings with co-workers you are actually friends with and know will both keep information like this private and safe and not harass you or anyone else with it.

[sky]

He actually is a friend and we’ve even hung out outside of work before. They all are my friends.

[sky]

That’s besides the point. I get what you both mean. Today’s been a very vulnerable and hard day, I guess that just was a little bit too much for my brain that was already triggered so much. I wish people could process that there’s so many different types of attraction and someone can experience one of them, all of them or none of them. It’s too much to explain so I’m just going to not talk about it outside of my few friends who know and the ace community online . Thank you for actually accepting ace/aro. If I see one more person say it’s not valid and it doesn’t belong in the community I’m gonna fight

[Heather]

I'm sorry, then, that your friend did such a crummy job when it comes to boundaries with this and you. I'm also sorry someone who is your friend was unaccepting. We can certainly talk about if you still want to be friends with this person, or if you want some help talking to them about how all of this went. Personally, if this was my friend, I'd want to at least have a talk with them to point out how they disrespected by boundaries, and to ask them to do better next time, and to tell them I was hurt by their reaction to my coming out, and would be asking them to do better in that regard, too. I can't speak for you or your friend, but I want to be a good friend to my friends, so however uncomfortable it can be, I'm always glad when they point out when I could be a better friend to them, because I always want to be.

I'm not sure where you're encountering -- separate from this bit with your work friends -- people saying that ace/aro isn't or shouldn't be part of the queer community, but if you're running into it a lot, might be time to fine-tune the community you're part of so that you're choosing people and groups that actually ARE community for you. It's not our community, after all, if it doesn't include us or we have to fight nonstop to try and be part of it. Our communities and those that embrace us and accept us and include us.

[sky]

It’s okay, I’ll keep playing the bi or lesbian card, wherever people think I am, I’ll play it. It’s easier that way. Thank you for offering that though. I’m in a Facebook community thing and there’s literally a whole ace phobic page that talks badly about us and how we’re just scared and it’s not valid. Yeah, I am scared to have sex because of the lack of freaking desire and it’s still valid. I honestly am happy just masturbating when I feel a desire and then it cures it and I just carry about my day. I literally don’t need anyone to do anything with me in relationship form and that’s valid!!!

[Heather]

So, sounds like that FB community blows. I'd dump it and find something else. Not only do you not need that, if there isn't giant pushback against something like that, it sounds like a crap community, so why be there, you know?

In terms of how -- and if -- you identify to people, there is no right way to do that, so you do you. If what feels easiest to deal with is what you need most right now, then it is! And yep: it's all valid, of course it is. Honestly, it's people projecting -- they aren't ace/aro, so they're talking about what might be going on with them if they felt a given way and lack the empathy or vision to understand and accept a) your sexuality isn't about them, b) sexuality is diverse, so there are parts of it that they just don't or won't experience and apparently also c) that no one voted them in as the arbiter of everyone's sexual identity. Asexuality and arosexuality may be relatively uncommon, but people acting like asshats about sexualities that aren't theirs, alas, is still *very* common.

[sky]

In conclusion, most people suck and I am sad and wish I could hide forever. Thank you for all this though I appreciate it!

[Heather]

I'd not say most. But yeah, a lot of people do in plenty of ways, and this one -- ignorance about sexuality and a fear of what's different -- is a common one, I'm afraid. The good news is that it's also totally possible to structure your life so that you're dealign with fewer people who fit that description. <3