Struggling with dating apps

[wolfcub]

I'm having a hard time with dating apps. The thing is I don't seem to have a lot of motivation. Probably because I sent several messages to people and haven't gotten even one response. I'm trying to get over it by setting a minimum amount of people to message each day. Any suggestions on how many?

[Amanda F]

Hi wolfcub,

That's a pretty common challenge for many people. When there are so many people on these apps, sometimes people just spend time matching but not really connecting with each other. Can we talk a bit more about your lack of motivation? It sounds like maybe the apps aren't a fun or enjoyable way for you to meet people; have you tried meeting people in other ways, too? What's that like?

[wolfcub]

What do you mean other ways? I signed up for these sites because I could never find any potential dates IRL. The thing is I'm 21 and have never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl before. I was hoping at the very least I could try to gain more experience

[Sam W]

Hi Wolfcub,

So, it's a little tricky to advise people about this right now, because what's needed for everyone to stay safe is to not be meeting up in person, so any dating or flirting will have to stay solidly online for now. That caveat in mind, there are a few different things to keep in mind as you continue. One is that looking for potential partners, even on dating apps, can take time. Going off of one of your previous posts, it sounds like you've only had Tindr about two weeks. It can definitely be frustrating to not be getting responses as soon as you'd hoped, but not getting interest in a narrow time frame isn't a sign you're doomed.

Too, there may be things you can do to make online dating more successful, or at least less frustrating. Dr. Nerdlove actually has a whole tag that you may find helpful: https://www.doctornerdlove.com/tag/online-dating/.

Do you spend time in many online communities other than dating apps? I ask because those spaces can also be ways to meet people who share common interests who may be interested in dating you.

[Amanda F]

Hi Wolfcub,

You've started multiple threads about the same topic, which makes it a little hard for us to have one good conversation with you about this. I'm going to lock the other threads and ask that you talk to us in this thread going forward. I think that will be more productive and will also let other visitors who may have the same question see our conversation in one place.

This quote was some advice from horriblegoose:

I would start off with a short message that isn't overwhelming but shows you read their profile and are messaging them because you're interested in something about them. I would also ask them a question which shows you're interested in what they have to say and gives them something to respond to.

"Hello! Nice to meet you. I saw your favorite book is [book]. It's one of my top books, too! Why is it your favorite?"
"So you're in [profession]? Sounds interesting/challenging! What got you into that?"

Something too short (just "hi") shows no effort and will get no response in most cases. There's no jumping off point for a conversation there.

And since you asked in another thread - it sounds like you should send whatever you have the energy and time and motivation for. Add in some time to peruse people's profiles.

Here was your response:

But that's exactly what I've been doing!!!!! I say hi, I refer to their profile, I ask them a question. And every single fucking time, I get NOTHING!!

Also what do you mean by pursue their profile?

Like I said in one of the other threads about this, this is a pretty common issue, so rest assured that it's not something about YOU that is causing this to happen. A lot of people spend a LOT of time on dating apps and getting no responses. Part of it is that there are so many people on the apps, so people don't feel obligated to respond to even a nice message that someone put time and thought into, which is unfortunate.

"Peruse" means to look at carefully, to read through completely.

Because, like Sam has said, we're all stuck to virtual interactions right now and no in-person dating for at least a few weeks, I wonder what other kinds of people interactions you've been having. Do you have other online communities that you are a part of, not related to dating? Have you been able to chat with your usual friends virtually?

[wolfcub]

I'm super frustrated with dating sites right now. I tried Match.com, for two months I got no responses. I tried Tinder, I got some responses on Tinder, but when I tried to get a membership so I could chat with them, it said the card wasn't processed through despite money being PHYSICALLY TAKEN out of my account. And when I tried to ask customer support about getting cheated out of my money, all I got was a fucking form letter!! And now I'm trying out this thing called Bumble, where the girls are meant to make the first move, so I have to play the waiting game again!! It's like whenever I try to make any progress, I just get stuck at square fucking one, and I HATE IT!!!!

(and by the way, no, I don't have any online communities. I'm just trying out twitter but as an anonymous artist. Not sure if it's exactly ideal for this but what do I know?)

[Karyn]

That does sound frustrating, and I'm sorry you ran into issues with Tinder and their payment system. If this is something that's causing you more frustration and irritation than anything else right now, maybe it's worth taking a break for a few weeks?

[wolfcub]

Life is just frustrating me out of my mind. When I was in middle and high school and the two gap years I took before going to college, I never took risks and never thought about myself, so I feel like I missed out on those years of my life.

Now I'm a 21 year old freshman and I felt like I was finally making progress and developing a social life, trying to meet girls in person and online. I never had any luck online but I found someone I thought I'd be interested in getting to know. I had already made plans to hang out with her, I was super excited! Then this stupid corona virus hit and everything fell apart.

I mean, to realize you wasted so much of your life worrying, work your ass off to make just a little bit of progress in something you really want, to finally have that ONE CHANCE you've been waiting, only to have it stripped from you by an event that only comes every 100 years, one that you can't find any way to work around or fight against....... it's like the ultimate salt in the wound. The most empty feeling in the whole world

[Sam W]

All that frustration is a totally understandable thing to be feeling right now. Covid-19 and all the fallout from it is throwing off so many things, big and small, that people had planned or had been looking forward to.

That frustration in mind, there are still a few things to do. For instance, with the person you were talking to, are you and she interested in staying in contact and continuing to get to know each other from a distance?

Too, it may help right now to re-frame some of how you think about this. While it may feel as if you've wasted a good chunk of your life, the reality is that having limited experience with sex or dating at 21 is not at all unusual. Not to mention that, at that age, you have way more years to potentially meet partners (or awesome people in general) ahead of you than you do behind you, you know? If you haven't already read it, I like the way this article breaks down some of the worries people have about being inexperienced in their 20s: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... _in_my_20s

[wolfcub]

How often does someone get a response on these stupid sites, anyway? How long did it take for someone to first respond to you? I'm asking because I'm tired of seeing my inbox empty 24/7. Singles thriving while under quarantine, my ass

[Mo]

I think it's very possible that fewer people are using dating sites or apps at all right now, since they won't be able to go on dates with people for the immediate future while practicing social distancing. There's really no way to know when or how often you'll get replies, sadly, but at the moment you're probably much less likely to get many of them.

[0PT1M15T1C]

I find that generally depends on quite a few different factors ranging from the agpp your using, age you're looking for as well as like who's in your area/similar interests, boredom plays a factor for a lot of people as well as stress.

A lot of adults are under quite a bit of stress when it comes to family, school, work, money and illness right now and a lot of people are actually taking a break from things such as dating apps in the midst of this pandemic. I know I've heard some people it takes maybe about a month to match the first time while others it's pretty much instantly. It took me a little while on even the app I have for meeting guys online to start making consistent matches and get more friend requests and such, the app takes in a lot of data and sometimes it takes a while to pinpoint - that's what I've heard anyways. Staying consistent and being authentic is always great though.

I know it's been mentioned but coming up with funny ways to say "hi" and following trends, like for example there's one on Tik Tok just about everyone my age knows and catches onto, goes along with it and it sets the mood for an interesting conversation. Pictures with friends or doing activities make you seem a lot more social and interesting to be around (granted I'm 15, and so it might play out a little differently?). Also, after the pandemic state is lifted, don't be afraid to go for a photoshoot with some friends or something. I have dragged my brother out the door a few times because I wanted recent, good looking photos and I know how to get those. it makes your entire profile just look creative I guess.

I get that feeling of it feeling tiring though, I can't imagine that's fun. I kind of wonder though, what is making this quite so urgent? Is there a reason you feel you have to get a match quickly, is there a reason you feel you need to be with someone right now? I know you've been on these apps a while, so I get frustration there, but oftentimes forcing stuff and getting frustrated shows in conversations I've had with people. I’m not saying that’s exactly what’s going on but worth mentioning?

Edit: I saw Mo replied a bit before I did but I want to leave you with that.

[wolfcub]

I don't know. I've never once been successful in this game. I guess this is just my deprived mating instincts or whatever going out of control. Being in a relationship and all that.... I think I just.... want to know what it feels like, at least once. And I've heard the 20s are when the feelings are the strongest

[0PT1M15T1C]

I get that, but also, I’d really disagree with that last statement. Although feelings do change, I think what most people refer to is that there’s more of a sense of freedom. Typically that comes from still being young and able, not tied down to a family or major job, just being able to really do whatever.

There’s nothing to say you won’t be able to have fulfilling, fun relationships going forward continuing with age. It’s going to be a little more difficult with the pandemic though, for sure. I don’t think it’s really a “game” per say, there’s a whole lot of different experiences and options when it comes to relationships, and I’m sure with time you’ll find one that works for you. It really sucks when you’re tied up into how important that may be, but I’m going to be honest, the best relationships (friendships, and romantic) came from a place where I was really confident in myself and was really spending time on me. It just so happened I found a guy I liked while doing that and I made a move.

My point is, I’m sure you’ll find someone, and you don’t have to stress that you have to do it in your 20’s or the feelings wont be as strong.

[wolfcub]

It's just, before these feelings were tolerable, because at least I was going to clubs. At least there were opportunities for me to get out of the house and meet people. But now I'm constantly hit with no one responding to any of my messages in the one hope that I have left. And now I have to go through 4 whole months of this. I'll probably end up in an insane asylum before then

[0PT1M15T1C]

So, there’s a few things going on in your last post there.

I get how times are feeling increasingly lonely, that can really suck. I wonder if there’s maybe like an online community you can join, like I know discord is a good one for gaming. Are you practicing self care and trying to follow your normal routine as much as possible? Too, have you tried learning anything new? These are all things I’ve been doing and it makes one hell of a difference, either picking up a research project, learning to play an instrument, painting. Have you been able to try anything like that?

I think really taking time to work on you, figuring out likes and dislikes, trying new things that interest you will take up a lot more time than you may think, as well as it keeps you engaged. Four months is a long time though and that can feel pretty disheartening.

Also, as far as the “insane asylum” A) I wouldn’t call it that, we don’t use that term because frankly, it’s rude and disrespectful. Most people who are in psychiatric hospitals are actually pretty normal people, just dealing with hard things and needing a little extra support. B) I don’t really see being admitted to one of those being the case here. And C) I know you were most likely trying to insinuate that being alone is hard, and in isolation, even worse. This isn’t an easy time for anyone, really. This sucks, I’m not going to lie, but there are a lot of things people have been doing to get through this. Staying home is really important, and it’s the best way to keep everyone as a safe as possible.

[Jacob]

It's just, before these feelings were tolerable, because at least I was going to clubs. At least there were opportunities for me to get out of the house and meet people. But now I'm constantly hit with no one responding to any of my messages in the one hope that I have left.

Hi wolfcub,

0PT1M15T1C covered the 'insane asylum' thing, so I'll mostly leave that, other than to say that demonising mental illness when we feel at risk of it can be a way of adding extra negative sentiment to our self-image, and none of us benefit from doing that to ourselves.

With the dating apps issue: I have some suggestions, and lots of thoughts on my own experiences which, I hope some of which could be helpful:

1. I am primarily thinking that it could actually be best just to leave the dating sites for now. The other suggestions are options, but this feels like the best one to me.

Knocking on hundreds of doors with nobody answering is a very unpleasant experience (trust me - I have canvased for political candidates!). Feeling wanted and attractive is a big thing and interacting with an online environment in a way that makes you feel awful in those areas? Why be there?

There are a multitude of ways of spending our time that show our immediate value and worth. Writing, making art, making music, or building websites - if you're a dork like me, are all ways of showing that our own thoughts, intelligence and creativity are valuable to us; it's incredible that our minds can do these things. These are also in-roads to connecting with other people online where every interest has a community, not just for dating but for friendship or even just passing appreciation and connection.

2. If you do get back into online dating, try to be very discerning. Finding good connections is really difficult. It's however a lot easier when you have only messaged one new person per month, based on feeling like you really could connect, and not to hear back from one person (maybe they were busy, maybe they met someone) than to put in lots of time into many many messages and receive nothing back.

Dating isn't a numbers game... or even a game at all. A pleasant connection with a potential date feels more like you're stepping out of the game that dating apps are marketing than 'winning'. It also is part of their marketing to remind us how much awesome fun everyone else is having using their app... I don't fully believe them!

I don't mind saying I have few to zero matches on a dating app, especially since I added more detail about being queer and non-binary, and that's o.k. because it means it's clearer than it was before that potential swipers aren't interested... and when I do have a connection it'll be more genuine, but for the most part, these apps just aren't going to fulfil our need to be wanted and desired.

This was when my profile is only open to women (other apps have much more inclusive gender options, but not this one, only 3: men, women, all) which leads me to...

3. You could try changing your preferences just to get a better idea of how it feels. It might demystify some of this for you. Gender plays a big part because of how many men are treating dating as a numbers game and that changes how dating sites feel for the people they want to date.

I switched my visibility to include 'men' and I started getting lots more responses, I didn't become instantly more attractive over night, but probably many of the men using the app are just saying 'yes' to as many options as possible, I did quickly become overwhelmed by reading the profiles, and having to make the decision to say no to people who had expressed an interest and it all just felt bad.

(Not all bad, there were some nice interactions, and superficial attention can be pleasant, but the unpleasantness was there, just different)

This can hint to why someone (who might have been a great match for you) might not feel able to take the time to read your profile or reply to your messages, can't always happen.

In summary: Give dating apps a break, invest less energy in multiple attempts, try switching your preferences to see how things work. And generally acknowledge that dating apps are not a great environment to be in and you might be happier quitting seeking romance altogether.

As you acknowledge, right now we also need to stay isolated and prevent the spread of a deadly global virus. There is potential for lots of loneliness right now, there's no need to make ourselves feel worse by sending lots of messages that don't get replies.

[wolfcub]

Well then, what do I do? This stupid virus is keeping me at home and summer classes are going to be restricted to online so there aren't any ways that I can meet people for at least four months! I feel like I should just give up, but that's physically impossible! I mean it's a primitive instinct, right? Even if I did decide to throw in the towel, I'll just be back to swiping with no response in sight. I can't bare sitting still! How am I supposed to find anyone if every option I have of doing so is out of the question?!

[Jacob]

Actually, "giving up" at least on looking for a partner at this point in time with the tools available to you, is what I am suggesting!

Stepping away is entirely doable - "primative instinct" doesn't exist that way, and is used waaaaay too much as an excuse to avoid responsibility. We make our own choices, and even the physiological signs of ancient horniness and/or boredom don't force us to join dating apps which are making us unhappy.

Are there any artistic outlets you think you'd like to try?

Distraction is a powerful tool, but also if I am honest, hobbies, interests and beliefs tend to be the things over time that bring us closer to people in the long run.

[wolfcub]

I'm at a point where I just don't care if anyone responds to me anymore. I've decided to resort to a system that I can mindlessly replicate without expecting anything. At this point, I don't even know what my type is but I want someone who is a geek like me, or at least interested in the same things I am. That's why I'm wondering, should I only swipe right on girls who are visibly like that and swipe left on everything else? Because I worry that would just reduce my chances of finding anyone

[Heather]

Wow, hey, wolfcub! Can I ask you to please not disparage people's bodies or size here (or mental health status, or....)?

You get to choose to swipe right on whoever you want, by all means. But here, in a public community, one made of many kinds of people, please be more mindful of the way you're talking. People who have been hospitalized for mental illness read posts here. Fat people read posts here. This is somewhere where what you're saying is out loud and everyone can hear and see. We try and do our best here to maintain a community that helps everyone feel best about ourselves, not somewhere where people will read things that put them down or make them feel badly about themselves.

Thank you. <3

[wolfcub]

Oh, sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I guess I'm just tired and depressed. This quarantine has taken everything I hold valuable including my job and my social life, while leaving me with no way of getting it back.

I'm sorry for sounding offensive. I'll try not to let it happen again.

But please, if someone could answer my question, it might help me use these dating sites in a way that won't be emotional torture for me

[wolfcub]

I'm asking because I heard that the Tinder algorithm puts people at the bottom of the priority list if they're swiping right too often.

[0PT1M15T1C]

For so many reasons I'm glad Heather covered all of that, especially as someone who's been hospitalized for mental health reasons.

But also, I still don't think I understand why this is so important that you do match with someone? I know Jacob mentioned taking a break from it, and as frustrating as it may be, that's what I would think would be best too. What you are saying comes off as a lot of frustration with many expectations which can be really harmful even if you were to start talking to someone online. I know it's been mentioned above that you are worried you are missing out or something, but honestly that isn't the case. IHO, relationships are best when it's two people wanting to explore and grow together, not when they want to be in a relationship due to others beliefs, if that makes sense?

As Heather mentioned in their post, it's up to you who you swipe right or left on, but it's also apparent that it isn't coming from a place of necessarily being interested in someone but rather a place of desperation. It also honestly seems quite harmful for you, from what I'm understanding, especially showing in this statement here "I feel like it doesn't even matter who I swipe right with because they aren't going to respond to me anyway".

What would it possibly look like if you replaced the time you're spending on these dating apps with things like self care? Like I know Scarleteen has a really great list of that here: https://www.google.com/url?client=inter ... sKHka7UKzm

I would honestly say if you're describing dating apps as emotional torture, they really might not be the greatest idea for you to use. Things are really hard right now for sure, and I'm sorry you're struggling with that.

I also don't think what you just mentioned is exactly the case, honestly I don't think the app really takes that into account too much. On the apps I use, personally I never bother with the swipes, but when I do, it doesn't affect much. Doing a lot of research kind of seems to be feeding further into this and I'd strongly recommend taking a break and trying to find some things you enjoy. I would really only swipe right on the people you're actually interested in, because part of the way these things work (at least on my app) is it finds people with more similar interests or that you typically are driven towards.

[wolfcub]

Well how will I know when I'm actually interested in dating someone? What will it feel like?