Why can’t I find a girlfriend?

[Sabine]

I need to talk to her about it, but I have talked about due to my past relationships, this all or nothing thinking - either this person can overwhelm me or will completely ghost me. I cannot overwhelm them or push them, but obviously I choose to ghost them.

I really want to, but I choose to focus on my work. I really want to remind myself on that by making a list beforehand.

They don’t understand my emotional reactions - sometimes I want a hug, sometimes I don’t and I feel nothing. Sometimes I feel sad even when I am doing happy things. Sometimes I get sad and overly fixated on trivial things, but it doesn’t make academics and other stuff less important!

[Mo]

I think that sort of all or nothing thinking would be a great thing to discuss with your therapist, when you have the opportunity. Setting up some reminders to contact friends, or maybe setting up a standing date to talk (I have a video chat with a friend every Thursday afternoon, for example), could be a helpful way to stay connected more easily.
In all of this, whether it's communicating with friends or trying to meet new people, do keep in mind that the covid-19 situation is making social connections, especially new ones, pretty tough in general; it's unfortunate, for sure, but if it feels like it's really hard for you right now, it may help to remember that a lot of that difficulty is related to an outside force you don't have any control over. Hopefully once things calm down a bit as far as the pandemic is concerned, you'll have a bit of an easier time.

[Sabine]

Yes, we have been talking about it and I want to talk about it more and how to maintain it. Yes, I will but sometimes they are busy with their summer classes. I also want to be respectful too, not to overwhelm them.

You make a great point and I am kinda focused on this girl, but also other options too. But how come celebrities like Jessie Paege find their ones through Bumble!? That makes me feel a little more sad and she seeks to inspire others, but I feel like she deserves it all and I deserve to be none of that for her (I understand thats delusional and masochistic, but I have them). I want to have those relationships and it’s partially my fault for that.

[Sabine]

Also, I wouldn’t be so upset except that My friend and her girlfriend and I am rescheduling our plans in Austria. The COVID rate is going up and her girlfriend’s sister got COVID! I’m sad because I cannot seem (in my mind) to maintain well meaningful friendships. I really want to maintain some, especially in the US and I feel tempted to cut people off. But, I don’t want to, I want to maintain friendships.

[Sam W]

Do any of the techniques your therapist is discussing with you seem to be working in terms of addressing the all or nothing thinking?

As to how come some people meet there partners one way while you haven't had success in the same way is that dating involves a big luck component. And that's before we get to the fact that we're still in the midst of a pandemic, which is causing a big upheaval in the ways people approach dating (in some ways that's a necessary upheaval, since staying away from new people is part of slowing the spread).

[Sabine]

We are going to discuss some techniques in the future meeting.

Yes Jessie Paege is close to her gf in this case, but I am far away from people I want to date. I want to be close to them in that long distance way so we can date later, but I can’t seem to get close. I also seem to not get close quickly or slowly with anyone, at least naturally. I am suppose to come back in the US August, but I am not so sure. That’s why I want to date in the US.

But, with the news of my friend and her girlfriend social distancing and the corna uptake in Austria, I feel hopeless ...

[Amanda F]

Those are real concerns/struggles you're feeling, and there might just not be too much you can do to change things right now. Because of the pandemic, people may simply be less willing to try and start up long-distance relationships right now. There's a lot of uncertainty for everyone.

That doesn't mean it will last forever, though. Things will calm down eventually and people will become open to things again, especially as we're able to start seeing people more in person.

I know it's hard, but what do you think about setting dating aside for a little while? Right now you don't even know where you'll be located come August, which is a piece of uncertainty on your end that may also make people unwilling to start any kind of relationship. Instead, you could focus on strengthening the friendships you have already by practicing staying in touch with people you know. Maintaining those friends (as you've realized already) is a good way to combat that feeling of hopelessness.

[Sabine]

How can I remember that it won’t last forever? Also, how can I keep those factors in mind yet still talk about/enforce the plan (to expand to other apps?) to my parents? How can I keep that in mind while still holding out hope for new interactions and talking to this girl I want to chat with?

How can I strengthen those friendships? And how do I choose those friends? Because my parents ask what friends I want to expand to and I don’t give an answer. I also really want to make new friends too because some of my old friends have not so good qualities to them.

[Sam W]

That may be a time for a mantra (something you can repeat to yourself when you start on the "this will last forever" spiral) or even a little, physical note that you keep somewhere you'll see it often. With your parents, I would very much frame those conversations as being about the future; yes, meeting new people right now is tricky right now, but those new apps can both help you do that or be something you have in your pocket to use in the future when this is over. With those new interactions, I think expectation management is key; you can meet new people and focus on getting to know them, rather than on wondering what the relationship might turn into in the future. Does that make sense?

When it comes to choosing friendships, maybe you can start with this: what qualities are important to you in a friend? Are there friends you have now who you always feel happy after you talk to them?