16 Female Can’t Masturbate

[stickfigure]

I’ve been sexually active since i was 13, but I’ve never been able to orgasm, after doing a bit of a research, I found that apparently masturbation and learning more about your body can help, but it’s started making me panic about there being something wrong with me even more.

I’ve never been able to masturbate. I can get aroused, sure, but the second I penetrate myself with my fingers I cringe and dry up. And yes, I always make sure there’s lead up.

I did a bit of googling and was recommended to try clitoris stimulation, on multiple websites it showed images of where a clitoris was, what a clitoral hood looked like, and how it should feel. That’s when the panic increased. Because I don’t have anything that looks like that. There’s no hood, theres no nub, there’s just flat skin above my urethra and then my mons where public hair is. I read about having an ‘embedded clitoris’ but even feeling around there during arousal I can’t feel any ‘hard nub’ or sensation any more intense than having my arm touched.

I’m currently in a relationship where communication is very good, he wants me to understand my body better too. So far we’ve discovered that whilst clitoris stimulation doesn’t have an effect on me, manual sex from him does, but due to never masturbating or orgasming, I usually tell him to stop because it gets more intense and a bit scary.

These last few months I’ve just felt really overwhelmed, and whilst I’m making some discoveries and I think my boyfriend and I are on the right path to making me orgasm, there’s a lot I still don’t understand about myself and I just want somebody to tell me that my body is normal.

PS: I started birth control last month, and have been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder and chronic depression. This might be important.

[Heather]

Hey there, stickfigure. Between the pandemic and all this, it sounds like you're probably under a whole lot of stress. I'm so sorry about that!

You know, it's really going to be impossible for anyone to have a sense of what is or isn't going on for you when it comes to your anatomy and an external clitoris who can't take a look. When you got that birth control, did you also get an exam or no? I ask because knowing if a sexual/reproductive healthcare professional did a visual exam could answer some questions for us.

Orgasm isn't reliant on having any given body parts except a working central nervous system and brain. By all means, a lot of people who have a clitoris use clitoral stimulation to get them there, but that's not a requirement, just a way a lot of people enjoy being or know how to be sexual, and because there are so many sensory nerve endings there, it is a kind of stimulus that can be part of reaching orgasm for many people. But I say all of that because if you have the idea that reaching orgasm means having to have or involve a clitoris, I just want you to know that it doesn't.

The best way to get to finding out how to reach orgasm is to focus on experiencing pleasure: physically, emotionally, intellectually. Sounds like you have one clue so far, which is that genital stimulation with your boyfriends hands is pleasurable for you. You also say you don't insert fingers into your vagina without lead up first: is whatever that lead up is something(s) that bring you pleasure?

You also say you feel scared when doing what you enjoy with your boyfriend. Can you say a little about what you think you're scared of? It's pretty normal for intensity to grow when we continue a kind of stimulation we like, too: but are you finding you don't like how that feels? If so, is that about how it feels physically, emotionally or both?

[stickfigure]

Thank you so much for replying. What you’ve said has been helpful.

When I received my birth control, I had a voice call to answer questions relating to my sex life, but nothing else. They did mention usually doing a blood test, but that didn’t happen for me.

In terms of lead up, I’ve always avoided watching porn and intend to stay this way due to my own personal opinions about the industry. I rely on using my own imagination and, similarly to foreplay with another person, teasing myself by touching areas other than my vagina. I wondered if my issue was that I didn’t like the texture against my fingers, and whilst experimenting with toys seems like the obvious option, as a 16 year old I think that would be fairly difficult to obtain, haha.

I’ve discussed this with him a little bit, and he always makes me feel very safe and reminds me we can stop at any point. So I don’t think it’s emotionally. The part I find scary is this new sensation I’m not used to. I assume this is how people are supposed to feel during sex, correct me if I’m wrong, but this feeling that rises round where my lower abdomen is, and is very intense. It’s not painful, and definitely feels nice for a while, but as it intensifies, becomes gradually more uncomfortable and as this is a completely new physical experience for me, it scares me because I’m not sure what will happen next. Is this a normal reaction to getting closer to orgasming? Or is it something more?

[Heather]

I figured it was probably telehealth, given the timing.

I do think that if you can get in to see someone sometimes soon safely, it'd be beneficial for you to know if you have a structural genital difference or not, just so you know. In the event you do, please know that doesn't mean anything is wrong with you: there is so much more genital diversity than people think. But it also could be that what you're expecting doesn't match your own physical reality, you know?

One thing I'm hearing in this is that you already know for yourself that pleasure for you has a lot to do with touching body parts besides your genitals, so, whether you're being sexual alone or with a partner, I think trying to put much more focus on that might be an important route for you. You know, some people experience orgasm without any kind of genital stimulation at all: since you seem to like other kinds of stimulus better, from the sounds of things, that might be more of the route to orgasm for you. Either way, it sounds like it's certainly about pleasure for you, and pleasure is how we get to orgasm and also can be why we care less about it in the first place: if we experience pleasure, whether we orgasm or not isn't as relevant, get what I mean?

It is normal for people to feel intimidated by the kind of physical feelings and response you're talking about, especially with someone else when they don't know where it can lead. I think the important thing to know is that, ultimately, it's either just going to keep feeling how it does, feel more intense, or drop off. You might or might not orgasm. But that's about it: like, nothing bad is going to happen to you or your body, you just may have a range of feelings and experiences. But for sure, if it stops feeling good, there's no reason to keep going. Again, all of this is expressly about trying to find what feels good for you so you can feel good.

Is any of that helpful?

[stickfigure]

Yes thank you, what you’ve said has been very helpful for me, and has calmed some of my anxieties. However, as someone who’s relied on my parents for contacting my GP and such, I’m not sure what my next move should be. Who should I contact and what should I say? Thank you so much for your help.

[Sam W]

Hi stickfigure,

Since this has to do with your genitals, getting in touch with an OB-GYN may be the best option. But, you could also contact your GP first and ask if they had someone they could refer you to for a basic sexual health or reproductive health exam. If you haven't seen it already, this article gives a really thorough overview of how to start taking control of your own healthcare: Dealing With Doctors: Taking Control of Your Health Care Destiny.

[stickfigure]

Thank you for your help, I am new to this website but so far have found it very helpful and I am glad I have discovered it. Finding a lot of information I wasn’t taught in school!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm so glad the site is helping you out!