How to keep my expectations reasonable about my crushes and love

[Sabine]

I would love some advice about two crushes and my expectations for those, but also how to have hope.

I met one crush on the that I am on app and matched and befriended her. I was talking to her five days ago and we really hit it off. We talked about pets and travel and quarantine stuff and she seemed to interested in me and even asked questions about me. But sadly, she seems to have not read my messages. I really seem to think she has ghosted the app. I really want to hold out hope while keeping expectations, how do I do that without being upset? I am asking this because I matched with another girl I hope to connect with in the long term. Again, I matched with her today.

Why do I fall for people so hard so much? Not crazy BPD levels, but get anxious and go through this all in my head? How do I get out of what I call a hope despair cycle? I get my hopes up to high and then I fall down low. I also try to convince myself not to get in that cycle by saying that probably this is gonna happen again and thinking of the worst scenario but that’s not helping. So how can I help myself in that situation? I genuinely want to hope and want the best out of this, but I don’t know what the outcome is.

First of all, based on the info, do you think the first girl will eventually come back and if not will the second one like me too (I will give her a chance because she has not responded yet and its daytime there and nighttime my time because long story about my situation). Would really like help thanks!

Also, my therapist is out and we are having some talks about moving to one therapist in Austria (yes because I want to go back to the US but I’m in Austria because of COVID) and we had a little conflict a previous meet up.

[Mo]

I'm not sure of the best way to reassess your expectations when it comes to these apps, but I do think it would be helpful to think about doing so. A lot of folks wind up talking to people for a short period of time or maybe only once, on these platforms, so I think it is good to approach any interaction as something that may be very short-term, or that you may not hear back from someone. Very early when connecting with someone (and I'd count the first few weeks of regular conversation as all in the "very early" stage) you're still at a point where you don't know each other well, and putting a lot of expectations or hopes on someone at this point is a little premature, I think. It may feel overwhelming to the other person, too, if they are taking things a bit more slowly. I'm not sure how one changes their expectations here, but I think trying to slow yourself down a bit in terms of how attached you get to people may be helpful.

There's no way that we can tell you if either of these women you're talking about will keep chatting with you; it just isn't something we or anyone else, other than those people themselves, would be able to know. Maybe the uncertainty of the situation is part of what's stressful for you, but there really isn't a way around it, especially when you're in the very early stages of talking with someone. Once things settle down with seeing a therapist more regularly, I think talking to them about having reasonable expectations around this might be really useful; is that something you think you could ask about?

[Sabine]

I have been trying to take it much slower. Sometimes though, its hard because I can get excited of a new relationship, yet stressed because of loosing that person and also because I admit, I want to talk to someone other than my parents, sister and my therapist during COVID-19.

It’s going to be more stressful because my moms packing my stuff, school started and I feel like a drag because I had a really bad day filled with tears! On top of that, I have to figure out whether I want therapy at all because my negative self talk interferes with getting anything done! I genuinely find that I am such a burden that I am debating on whether to see a therapist or not because whats the point if I don’t do the work. It’s my fault.

[Mo]

It does sound like things are pretty stressful for you right now; I can understand why you'd be really looking forward to making these new connections with people and why you might feel like a lot is riding on whether they'll continue responding or not. Everyone's coming to social/dating apps with their own set of hopes and expectations, though, so it may help to keep in mind that some folks are going to be communicating and matching pretty casually, and even if they enjoy chatting they might not feel like there's as much riding on the connection or on responding consistently or quickly. That doesn't mean you're wrong to have intense feelings for people very quickly, but when you're matching with someone who is taking things more slowly it might make it harder to feel at all relaxed about developing the connection. In short: I get that it's hard to take things slower, but I do think that's a good thing to keep trying.

I know you've mentioned that it can be a struggle to communicate and keep up with existing friends; do you think there's some small goal you could set, to reach out to one or two people every day (or a few times a week, whatever feels good and doable to you) in whatever way feels most comfortable, so you're working on maintaining those existing relationships as well? I think anything that can help you feel like you aren't putting a lot of expectation on any one person could be a useful strategy right now.

[Sabine]

Thank you so much! I am kind of hesitant to go out to socialize in Austria though because I know I will go back to the US and then maybe break it off. It’s kinda stressful to set it up and then break it off, especially with me just being unlucky.

Plus, this girl may come back onto the app, but since about a week ago I don’t know if she will return or if she even read my messages. It turned out kinda well for another one, but turned out she was too busy with her career.

Yes I want a goal like that. Two times a week is good, how do I keep reminding myself about that? How do I keep that in the back of my mind despite my hangups? One friend is in one my online classes and so I want to discuss film stuff with her.

[Ruby S]

Hey Sabine! I relate to some of the anxiety you're having about people leaving you on read, or feeling like expectations are not being met. Like what Mo said, managing expectations can be generally really challenging, but also really important when navigating online relationships. Try to keep in mind that even if you don't end up falling in love with someone, you could develop a really cool friendship, or maybe reconnect way later down the road - you never know what could happen! Everyone's going through their own stuff, especially during a pandemic, so trying to not take things personally can make online dating a lot more fun and a lot less pressure-full.

Putting less pressure on other people also means putting less pressure on yourself; even if you do go out in Austria, meet someone, and then you need to break it off later because you're going to the US, that's okay. Relationships come and go! Again, it could remain a friendship, even if you can't see each other often. Sometimes my insecurity comes up with excuses why I can't go see someone or text someone, like that I don't know if I can follow through with living up to THEIR potential expectations so I shouldn't reach out at all. It takes practice to know when my insecurity is being tricky and holding me back from connecting with people out of fear, and when it's a legitimate desire to not be in relationship with someone. Sometimes it's both, or something else entirely! You can't really know what will happen til you try, and trying and learning from something that might be painful or hard is better than never trying and experiencing that at all. Does that make sense? Trusting in the path the universe has for you is essential here.

In terms of reminding yourself to reach out to people - it could be as simple as setting an alarm on your clock for every Tuesday and Friday, or any other days that work for you, to text a friend and just say, "Hey! How are you doing?" That can be an awesome way to let people know that you want to be in relationship with them. You could even be really honest with your friends, and say, "Hey, I'm struggling with connecting with friends at the moment, but I like talking to you a lot. Do you think you could try to text me every now and then to check in? That would help me feel like I can reach out to you, too!" It can be vulnerable to let people know that you're struggling, but it can also make friendships feel deeper and more authentic. What do you think?