How to stop wanting to be loved

[KurtisC]

Does anyone have any tips on how to stop wanting to love and be loved? It makes me so unattractive and I'll never get it this way!

[Amanda F]

Hi KurtisC,

Wanting to love and be loved is a pretty common experience for many people (though we're all on a spectrum of romanticism). It can certainly cause frustration if there isn't any love to be found at the moment, though. Can you tell me a little bit more about why you feel this makes you unattractive?

[KurtisC]

Just feel desperate and like I don't have a life. Wanting love so bad feels unmasculine and pathetic maybe. Like you get it as a prize for being cool but I can't be cool because I can't stop feeling like my life's empty...

[Amanda F]

I'm hearing a lot of self-judgment there, and also some unhappiness about how life is going in general. It sounds like you're having a tough time, maybe even beyond love/wanting love. That sounds pretty tough to be feeling. Is this something that's been going on for a while, KurtisC?

[KurtisC]

Yeah, you're right. Thanks. It's lifelong, yeah. I wanted a serious, long term relationship when I was 4 years old. I think I was often punished for wanting love so now it's like a taboo to me, making me wanting it more because of how shocked and ashamed I am by the feeling. Then that leads into to the 'not being good enough to be loved' thing and it becomes real high stakes. I was always terrified of not being good enough for it.

[Amanda F]

Those are really good insights! It's amazing (and often really frustrating) how what we experience as children can have lasting impacts on us even through adulthood. I'm sorry to hear you were punished for wanting love. No one should be punished for wanting love or to be loved. We all deserve love, no matter what.

If these are things that have been lifelong, getting some professional support might be helpful. Have you ever considered seeing a therapist? They have training on how to support you in working through attachment needs.

[KurtisC]

Thanks Amanda, I have considered it, but tbh right now is the only time I haven't been in crisis and I just wanna enjoy not thinking about the past for a little while. I still really want love and hopefully taking steps to make that happen (even platonically).I'm starting a new job soon so hopefully I can look there. I don't know what it feels like but it sounds amazing. I know what being liked feels like thanks to a few people. I'd love more of that.

[Mo]

I'm glad you have a new job coming up where you can meet people! Do you have other ways of meeting new people right now, as well? I know that this current moment is a little tricky for meeting new folks, whether that's for friendship or romance, due to social distancing guidelines, but if you have or can find other opportunities for making new social connections, it may be helpful to pursue one or more of them.
You'll be the best judge of how much time and mental energy you have for this; I certainly wouldn't advise you to overextend yourself. But I do think that the more people we know the better chance there is of finding folks we really click with. And just like Amanda said above, I don't think wanting to experience love is pathetic or unmasculine in any way. I think it's wonderful to want to experience that with someone else and to feel like you have love to give to other people.

[KurtisC]

I dunno, man, I think I only do it because I feel like I failed without it and I have fear of missing out because I'm worried it won't ever happen and I won't get the validation that I can do it, and I'll always see people in long term relationships and feel like I'm inferior somehow. But that's a bad reason, right? Maybe I should take some more time to myself.

I know I'm not the kinda person who connects with folk super easy, and those ideas you outlined - while great - helped me see that those things scare me. I never liked dating or being around strangers (outside of safe people to sleep with casually)... I take a while.

[KurtisC]

I think it can be more of a status thing, like I just want it to feel protected from others who want to brag or tell me the person I made eyes at has a bf already. I wanna be like 'I know, I'm with someone and happy thanks very much.' It can be very competitive, you say how sad you are about your personal life and everyone jumps in their advise on how great they are that they succeeded in their relationship, and how stable it is. Hmmm.

[KurtisC]

I think I need to remember that imaginary relationships can be just a fulfilling as one with an irl person. I get what I need from it, but I can't use it to gain the status of being 'taken' or the validation that I can make it work with someone; that im easy and simple enough to be around for days at a time. I think I just need to protect myself from those convos by making a swift exit and keeping my boundaries high.

I have a higher chance of being a good partner later in life if I work on this stuff now.

[Sam W]

I think it's sound to recognize that you can duck out of those conversations if they tend to make you feel worse. Too, if you're with friends, it's also within bounds to say "I just need to vent about this right now, and am not really looking for advice."

You're right that seeking out a romantic relationship purely because you fear you're missing out or want a certain kind of status is not a great reason to date someone. People don't generally enjoy dating someone who's mostly looking to fill a box marked "partner." That being said, it's still absolutely okay to want to find and experience love, and to keep yourself open to those connections even as you work through your own feelings and history.

I feel you on being someone who struggles with connecting with or being around new people. That's something I've dealt with (and still deal with) from time to time, so if you want to me to share some of the things I've tried that have been helpful, that's something I'm happy to do.

[KurtisC]

yes please, Sam. That sounds nice

[KurtisC]

Do you think anyone's love is worthless? like so easy to get and forgiving that's it's boring and undesirable?

Typing it out sounds silly but it's torturing me that mine could be

Mom said it was, because I 'think everyone's amazing' but she was just being possessive and it's like slut-shaming for love

[Alexa]

I can say with absolute certainty that nobody's love is worthless. And that certainty derives from the fact that no one person is worthless.

I'm sorry that your mom said that to you and made you feel like you shouldn't give your love freely as felt good to you. I am also someone who has loved very openly, and sometimes I've felt shamed for that. But having a big capacity for love and appreciate of other people is a beautiful thing! I'd much rather celebrate it, myself.

[KurtisC]

Thanks, Alexa, this means so much to me. Feels better and I'm sorry you felt shamed for it too. It's nice to be excited by people - feels real good and brings joy.

People who appreciate someone being loving are the best people, I'm sure. I'll find them.