Sex Hurts Really REALLY bad??

[CatHaru26]

Hi!! I feel like I'm starting to become a regular on these message boards but if I'm being honest, I guess I just have a lot of issues regarding sex lmao.

I was here in the past discussing an issue getting aroused/feeling pleasure. I ended up just taking a break from trying to be sexual with my boyfriend, and after a little while, it came back like it was never even gone! I do still have a hard time getting aroused, but it does happen as long as I don't force it or think about it too much.

Because of that, things have been going great with my boyfriend (sexually) and he happily fingers me and although I have yet to reach climax, I do really enjoy it. He asked me how I felt about sex, and honestly I was ready. I started birth control, he got condoms. All good to go.

And then he tried to push it in.

Oh my god, that was the most unbearable pain I have felt in a long time. I pushed him away immediately. He said maybe a quarter of the TIP went in. Thats it. Not only that but my vagina ached a little bit afterwards. It was awful.

Now I do wanna note that I have awful anxiety, so it did take a few tries for him to even get to go in, as my legs instinctively would push him away.

I deduced that it was probably the lack of lubrication. And so I bought us a lube (with your guy's help!). But today, we went to try again and we didn't even end up needing it. Not because everything worked out, but because I couldn't relax my muscles enough to even give him an opening in there out of anxiety. I'd tense up every time he even got close and reflexively would push him away. I was still turned on so he asked if I wanted him to finger me, to which I said yes. He fingered me and it hurt?? Which it never does so I asked him to stop after trying to wait for the pain to go away. He suggested that when I went home, I should try to touch myself. (Which I never do, I have never enjoyed masturbation sadly.)

So I watched a few videos on pornhub (couldn't find anything I was into, but I fantasized a little bit so that I could get turned on), I slipped some lube on my finger and I went in.

Now I'm just so freaked out because it was sooo tight in there. Like I had one finger in and that finger was being hugged tightly. There was also a really sudden curve not too far in that I didn't understand. Like, how does a penis fit in there if theres a curve like that? Does the penis curve? How is it ever going to fit in there?

I'm just so scared that I'm never going to be able to have sex. I had all these issues with getting aroused in the first place (and still sometimes have those issues), and now that thats finally over, I can't even have sex with my boyfriend whom I love very much! I know a lot of it is anxiety, but how am I to get over that anxiety? Its just so incredibly stressful, and I feel bad for constantly getting my boyfriend excited and then being like "nevermind". (Like obviously hes great about it, but I can tell that hes disappointed)

[Sam W]

Hi CatHaru26,

Ouch, that sounds like a really tough situation. From what you're describing, it sounds like anxiety may be playing a big role. When we're anxious, we tense up, and that can make inserting anything into the vagina canal unpleasant or painful. I know we've talked in the past about ways to try and feel calm or relaxed during sex. Have you tried any of those, or do they not seem to be working? Too, do you notice the anxiety being attached to anything in particular when you two try vaginal sex?

As far as what you felt with your own finger, that curve is totally normal. The vaginal canal isn't perfectly straight (you can kind of see that in this article: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body), and in many cases neither is a penis. Too, penises have some flexibility, which means they're able to be in the vaginal canal without issue.

[CatHaru26]

Hi Sam!

Heres the thing. I did have a lot of anxieties, but I feel as though I did my best to move past them using your advice.We communicate really well now because of that so thank you. I was worried about pregnancy risk, we got birth control and condoms. I was worried about him only wanting me for sex, so I gave the two of us lots of time and I don't feel like that anymore. Other than that, theres nothing I'm crazy worried about on the surface level. Maybe other than how its going to feel? That makes me a little nervous. I've always had a pretty big fear of the unknown. Ever since the first time we tried, I'm definitely more nervous about that because I don't want it to hurt again.

Also, yeah looking back I do see that the curve fear was a little bit silly. I'm just nervous that something may be wrong with me. I really want sex to be something thats enjoyable to me, y'know? I know a lot of girls who say that vaginal sex hurt really bad for them the first few times, but I know that thats not right and its not supposed to be like that, and I don't want it to be like that for me.

[Sam W]

It sounds like there might be a bit of a feedback loop going on, where you're anxious about how it will feel, so you tense up, which makes it more likely to hurt, which then makes you more anxious the next time you try to have vaginal sex. Does that kind of match with what you're experiencing?

Too, how is your anxiety more generally? Are there things in your life that are really stressing you out?

[CatHaru26]

Yes that is exactly what I'm experiencing!!

My anxiety is currently okay, but definitely last week I had a really bad patch of anxiety. I talked to my therapist about it and we've been working through it. I had some stressful life things going on as well. This whole situation also heightens both my anxiety and stress a little bit too.

[Sam W]

So, anxiety from other places in our lives (or even just generalized anxiety) can influence our bodies during sex, even when we'd really prefer it not. It may be that as you continue addressing your anxiety, you notice yourself feeling more relaxed in sexual situations.

Too, it may help to think about what might help you break the the cycle of anxious/sex hurts/now you're anxious the next time. Is it practicing relaxation techniques and then using them? Reminding yourself that you can stop if it hurts? Something else?

[CatHaru26]

I’m not totally sure! Sometimes I close my eyes right before he goes in, breathe and release all tension in my body but the second I feel his penis touch me down there I am instantly tense again. I guess maybe I could ask him to say/do calming things to help me out as he tries, if its not too much for him.

I know this is kind of graphic, but do you think it may help if I asked him to put three fingers in instead of two when he fingers me? Maybe then I’ll know a little more of what it may feel like and since he only goes in one finger at a time, it won’t hurt?

I don’t know, what do you think?

[Amanda F]

Hi CatHaru26,

Just want to say that you have a really great awareness of what's going on with your body! I know it's stressful to think about the tightening up, but being aware of what's happening and how you are feeling is actually a really positive thing. You can use that awareness to help you figure out ways to relax.

It's very common to feel tight at the beginning of a sexual experience, and part of that is due to anxiety too. The best thing you can do right now is take pressure off yourself to relax or to feel less tight. That pressure is almost certainly contributing to you feeling tight.

From what you've been saying, it sounds like it might help to slooooooowwww dooooown. By that I mean not only go slowly with actual movements, but also with the activities you're doing. Break things down into smaller steps, and don't go on to the next step until you're feeling pretty relaxed.

So like you said, before your boyfriend tries actually inserting his penis into you, maybe just stick with one finger for a while. Once one finger feels okay/you don't feel so anxious, then try two fingers. Once two feels okay, maybe go on two three.

And when it comes to his penis, how about you just spend some time with him touching your vulva (exterior) with the tip of his penis, but not actually penetrating you? Like, don't even plan to be penetrated during that session. Just experience him touching you and noticing what that feels like.

I also want to check in with you about your pleasure! Feeling pleasure can also help relax you and your vagina. I know you wrote to us about that in the past and you're saying you enjoy it more now - can you expand on that a bit? Is your boyfriend taking time to give you good feelings with his fingers, mouth, toys, or anything else that the two of you enjoy?

[CatHaru26]

Hi Amanda,

I really like the idea of trying to have him just go around the outside of me without actually penetrating. After our last session of trying didn't work, I did get on top of him and grind on him without wearing underwear and it did feel at least a little less scary now that I think about it. I'll definitely give that, and the other things you suggested a go.

I've actually noticed that sometimes when we talk about doing it, and then we do foreplay things (usually that are focused around my pleasure) in an attempt to get me buttered up so we can do it, I actually have difficulty getting aroused because in the back of my head I know where its going, and now I feel as though I HAVE to get aroused, as opposed to when we're just casually fooling around and it happens a lot easier.

Also thank you for saying that I have a good awareness of my body!! This whole experience feels so negative and I often get scared that somethings wrong with me or that I'll never overcome it, so its really nice to hear something positive about everything.

As for my pleasure, my boyfriends always been very focused on my pleasure which is something I'm grateful for. When I couldn't get aroused or feel anything, I simply just told him that I didn't want to right now, but I'd do things for him (because I do genuinely like pleasuring him even if i'm not aroused as well, it feels good to make him feel good I guess?). And after a while of not feeling the pressure to get aroused, I started getting actually physically aroused! And once that happened, pleasure immediately came along with it. Funny enough, we haven't really incorporated anything new, it all just kind of started working, and things that previously brought me nothing started bringing me something. However, like I said before, I have noticed that ever since we started trying to have sex, it's becoming a little more difficult for me to get aroused again.

[Sam W]

I think you've noticed some really important things about your own sexual response, which is awesome! If you're noticing that those lower pressure situations, ones where even if you don't know something is coming, you feel relaxed and aroused, something you two could try is to have times that are "let's see where this goes" times. So, taking time to do tings like make out or explore each others bodies, with the understanding that you can move on to other things if you both get turned on and excited to do so, or that things can just stay at that level of stop entirely if either of you isn't feeling it.

[CatHaru26]

I like the idea of that, it sounds a lot less pressuring than decided beforehand that the end goal is sex. I think when we hang out next I could definitely talk to him about that and give it a go.It definitely might take a few sessions of not trying to have sex until I feel totally pressure-free, but I shall see. We'll also try the other exercises brought up and just see what happens.

Thank you again for everything you guys do!

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

[CatHaru26]

Just wanted to give a little update for anyone who comes across this thread since its been about a month.

I took the advice of having “lets see where this goes” sessions. Every time my boyfriend would ask if we’d have vaginal sex, I’d say “I dunno! Let’s see where this goes.”

And about a week ago, we got to that point and we lubed up and it slid in like butter!! We had to take it really slow so I could relax, cause I kept tensing up, which was when it would hurt. It was a little uncomfortable for both of us at first but we found a position that minimized that as much as possible. We’ve only done it one other time since then so I’m sure that as time goes on we’ll get better.

I’m still having some issues with both the pleasure part and the anxiety part. They work hand in hand I guess lol. But that’ll take time, and slowly I am getting better with it. I’m just relieved it doesn’t hurt much anymore and actually feels kinda nice. I can’t feel pleasure yet but I do enjoy just being close with my partner and all.

So yeah, thank you so much for your help!! And if anyone reads this and has a similar problem pleaseee take their advice, they really know what they’re talking about!

[Mo]

Thanks for the update; I'm glad to hear that intercourse is feeling easier and more comfortable now, and I hope that as you and your partner get more used to it, it'll feel even better for both of you.