I’m in love with two girls at the same time online - what to do?

[Sabine]

Hey! I’m back doing a bunch of posts. As you can see my love life now is ... complicated. It’s a long story ...

So I have been dating someone on my dating app, she lives in California. We got really close to the point where I talked to her brother and her mother. I want to visit her, I really do and I am considering sending her a package with a necklace, a custom-made ring and a custom-made brooch (both made by me). I really enjoy her company and think she’s cute, she loves me and wants to see me.

However, I really like this other girl. She’s from Northern Ireland and lives there. We have a lot in common compared to the other one who I already have another connection with. But, I don’t have a deep connection with her and I’m afraid that she won’t love me so unconditionally as the one in California. However, I can see that she is more mature in some ways and respected my decision not to talk when I had a fever blister.

What I am most worried about though is me doing something wrong. Tomorrow, I am seeing the girl
from Northern Ireland and then pillow talking with the girl from California. In short, I’m having two dates tomorrow. I barely touched on how I am non-monogamous with the girl from California, so I want to make sure no one gets hurt and everyone is happy. I love them both and I don’t want to be cheating on anyone before anything becomes official. In short, I don’t want to ruin my relationship with both of them.

But, my parents tell me it’s not cheating because I’m unlikely to meet them soon. They will unlikely meet each other as well unless I introduce them to each other or they find out. In that case, I may be the worst, not because I have two relationships, but because this was all done without the two parties knowing and maybe they don’t want that.

Should I tell? I know perhaps they won’t see each other and maybe I won’t see either of them in the end, even though I am trying. They are exclusively online for now and my parents imply that it will become official once I meet them, which I believe partially. However, I don’t want either of them to believe I am not a good girlfriend. I love them both equally. I want to meet them both. I want to honor and respect them both, however I am not confrontational and when I tried to get an anwser from my parents, it was strange. I don’t know if it’s true or they do not understand exclusively online relationships. I want to figure this during quarantine and fast. I don’t want to come off as sleazy tomorrow for the Northern Irish date and my other date (my parents have been calling them friends and for myself as well until I meet them in person). What to do?!

[Sam W]

Hi Sabine,

Have you had a conversation with either of these women about what you're expectations are around relationship structure? If not, that would be a sound next step. There's nothing wrong with dating or flirting with both of them, but you'll want to check in and make sure neither of them is under the impression you two are doing something where you're exclusive. Does that make sense?

[Sabine]

With the girl in California, I told her I was not exclusive. And she only wanted to tell our parents and other people about us. She also understood the reason why I don’t say “I love you” back is because that I haven’t met her before and lived with her. To be honest that kind of makes me a little heartless .

I had a date with the Northern Irish girl. She seems so nice and so understanding not only that we did have multiple connections from living abroad to the fact that we can have intellectual conversation back-and-forth without her totally not understanding what I’m talking about (sometimes lol). to be honest I also wanna know more about her.

But I don’t know if I’m gonna get the same love as I do from the Californian girl, The kind of unconditional love and sexual attraction. And I mean a lot to the California girl as well because I also I am the first one she’s ever loved fully and that this connection is meaningful.

[Sabine]

Also I’ve told the girl from California that we’re not exclusive, only having her tell us about me. However, she said “I love you” and calls me her girlfriend. Which I mean I get, I want to call her that too, but I have love for that other girl too and I need to meet the Californian girl in person.

I am also working on boundaries with her, like when she wants to spend time longer or like call soon or see my face even when I didn’t want to show her because I had fever blisters. I know she’s sweet and says “You look beautiful no matter what” and this made me feel better, but still if I am not feeling better for camera, then I really don’t know if I’m up for that. She may also want to go to Austria, where I’m staying, which I don’t know if it’s possible even if she were to travel.

I want to see both of them, but it may be one over the over first. I don’t know ...

[Sam W]

I do want to say that it's not heartless to not be ready to say "I love you " to someone you're still getting to know, or to set boundaries around things like when you want to talk on camera (and especially not around things like someone who lives in a country with rising cases visiting you during a pandemic).

Too, you can call someone a girlfriend in the context of a non-monogamous relationship. So if girlfriend feels like the right word to call the California Girl, then it's okay to use it.

Since it sounds like both of them are aware you two are not exclusive, what if you just keep getting to know both of them and see how things go, rather than feeling like you need to make big decisions about either relationship right now?

[Sabine]

Yes I would. I would do that. In fact, our parents got to know eachother, which is good. But then, afterwards I wanted to talk to her about Nieztche and analysis and it occurred to me that she doesn’t share the same desire to that as much as I do - the same intellectual fire.

The Northern Irish girl on the other hand. Well I want to chat with her even more and I have even texted her after our date. But it was after another date with the Californian girl. I want to talk to the Northern Irish girl because not only is she like beautiful, but she shares the same intellectual fire and worldly experience. I’m kinda afraid she ghosted me at this point since she hasn’t responded this time, but she has always texted me back, and said that she was interested in me meeting and has loved my ideas ! How do I know if she wants to meet a second time, or at least introduce the idea casually? I don’t want to sound overbearing or creepy, so I truly want to get to know her more and set up meetings with her more.

[Sam W]

Hi Sabine,

I think this goes back to what we've talked about before, where being direct and patient is the way to go. So, if you're interested in meeting again (even if that's just remotely due to the pandemic), you can ask if she would like to do that and go from there.

Too, it can help to remember that with anyone you date there will be things about them that you're more (or less) compatible with. It sounds like both of these people have traits you enjoy, which is awesome, but you don't have decide which of them is the optimal partner right this instant; you can just keep getting to know them and developing a picture of them as whole people.

[solareclipse94]

Hey Sabine,
I asked my boyfriend for permission to sleep with someone else who lives closer to me and he broke up with me. I told him that I wouldn't do anything that he wouldn't want me to do. But then he told me that he thinks we should go our separate ways. I then called him and asked him to give me a second chance and he said that he thinks it wouldn't work out between him and I. So I sort of know how you feel, although it isn't the exact same thing.

[Sabine]

I do want to say that it's not heartless to not be ready to say "I love you " to someone you're still getting to know, or to set boundaries around things like when you want to talk on camera (and especially not around things like someone who lives in a country with rising cases visiting you during a pandemic).

Too, you can call someone a girlfriend in the context of a non-monogamous relationship. So if girlfriend feels like the right word to call the California Girl, then it's okay to use it.

Since it sounds like both of them are aware you two are not exclusive, what if you just keep getting to know both of them and see how things go, rather than feeling like you need to make big decisions about either relationship right now?

Well I was patient and got a response from the Northern Irish girl. She really wants to show me her plants and hasn’t replied immediately because she forgot too. I really want to talk to her more because for once she ignites an intellectual fire inside of me and I want to engage with her with her ideas. I can talk on and on about an intellectual topic and she understands and will engage. Because I’m at heart an intellectual and she is also quite attractive with her voice and accent.

I don’t get that with the girl from California. I also see some attractive qualities in her, But I know her more and we opened up more. The other relationship is relatively new and my dad said that new is always exciting. I feel quite guilty because in some ways I am going to get tired of both of them but at the same time I won’t. It’s weird. I don’t wanna think of them as objects, but I do see some things that I need to set boundaries with my current relationship, such as not doing certain caretaking tasks and not staying up long hours because I need the help I can get.

I want to get to know the Northern Irish girl more because ultimately I have something that I don’t with the other one - something maybe even more. I don’t know, that could fizzle or that can turn into a connection, I feel bad for not talking to her more.

[Sabine]

Hey Sabine,
I asked my boyfriend for permission to sleep with someone else who lives closer to me and he broke up with me. I told him that I wouldn't do anything that he wouldn't want me to do. But then he told me that he thinks we should go our separate ways. I then called him and asked him to give me a second chance and he said that he thinks it wouldn't work out between him and I. So I sort of know how you feel, although it isn't the exact same thing.

That sucks so much! In this case, I’m also stuck in some ways. I know I want to go back to California, which is where one is, but where the Northern Irish girl is, is near me now which is Austria. But I also don’t want anyone to move anywhere they don’t want to!

It’s hard being non-monogamous but also trying to be flexible in a monogamous relationship.

[solareclipse94]

Hey Sabine,
I asked my boyfriend for permission to sleep with someone else who lives closer to me and he broke up with me. I told him that I wouldn't do anything that he wouldn't want me to do. But then he told me that he thinks we should go our separate ways. I then called him and asked him to give me a second chance and he said that he thinks it wouldn't work out between him and I. So I sort of know how you feel, although it isn't the exact same thing.

That sucks so much! In this case, I’m also stuck in some ways. I know I want to go back to California, which is where one is, but where the Northern Irish girl is, is near me now which is Austria. But I also don’t want anyone to move anywhere they don’t want to!

It’s hard being non-monogamous but also trying to be flexible in a monogamous relationship.

That sucks. I hope you can figure it out. Here's a question: Which one makes you feel like you can be yourself around them? Whichever one that may be, go with that one. I don't know what else to tell you.

[Sam W]

Your dad is correct that new relationships are often very exciting; that's actually why you'll see us (and lots of other sex educators) cautioning people not to make big decisions like moving in together in the first few months of a romantic relationship. That new relationship energy can be lots of fun, but it does tend to fade over time. That being said, that doesn't mean all relationships fizzle out or stop being enjoyable after awhile. Right now, you're still new to the relationships with these two women, so all you can really do is keep getting to know them and see how things go from there.

I'm glad to hear you're practicing boundaries, that's a really excellent skill to build. And having them doesn't mean you're objectifying these two people; it just means you're being clear about what your limits are.

[Sabine]

Hey Sabine,
I asked my boyfriend for permission to sleep with someone else who lives closer to me and he broke up with me. I told him that I wouldn't do anything that he wouldn't want me to do. But then he told me that he thinks we should go our separate ways. I then called him and asked him to give me a second chance and he said that he thinks it wouldn't work out between him and I. So I sort of know how you feel, although it isn't the exact same thing.

That sucks so much! In this case, I’m also stuck in some ways. I know I want to go back to California, which is where one is, but where the Northern Irish girl is, is near me now which is Austria. But I also don’t want anyone to move anywhere they don’t want to!

It’s hard being non-monogamous but also trying to be flexible in a monogamous relationship.

That sucks. I hope you can figure it out. Here's a question: Which one makes you feel like you can be yourself around them? Whichever one that may be, go with that one. I don't know what else to tell you.

I guess both! The girl from California tells me that she can be herself around me and I around her. she just wants me to be me and just wants to be around me. She praises me for being me and really wanted to see my face, despite my cold sours, because she said that I’m beautiful no matter what. I felt uncomfortable but I said OK. That’s part of boundary setting.

But then, the girl from Northern Ireland is a new interaction and she really wants to talk, but isn’t so available because of work (but she makes time). And the truth is, I can actually talk about academics and ideas and stuff where I get to talk and she understands. She understands and responds backs and knows this stuff.

The truth is I don’t know if I want to choose between them, but I want to talk to the Northern Irish girl more and bad not talking to her longer.

[Sabine]

. And having them doesn't mean you're objectifying these two people; it just means you're being clear about what your limits are.

No, what I’m saying is that I am treating their relationships rather than loose and relaxed. Like I’m not committed. To be honest, they really like me despite me saying that I am also polyamorous in some ways. it’s really hard when you don’t wanna step on anyone’s toes and you were told over and over and over again that cheating is the worst thing anyone can do in a relationship and that being non-monogamous is wrong (yes a best friend texted me that).

[Sabine]

Thanks. I will get to know both of them! I would like to also ask some questions. What is the difference between if a relationship is going to fade and if I’m going to need to keep a relationship afloat, you know like some people do in their mid-40s. Like sometimes I feel like it’s my fault for not talking about certain topics with the Californian girl, like certain topics she wants to talk about. Sometimes I feel engaged with her and sometimes I hit a lull in terms of conversation and activity.


Thanks so much! This not only includes these things I talked about, but sometimes she wants me to show videos that I don’t want to watch now, but check out later. Sometimes when I won’t respond immediately, she would text ? or stuff like that. I do that too, so I often excuse it, but I shouldn’t. It’s a little pet peeve.

[Sam W]

Ah, okay, thank you for clarifying that! I'm sorry that your best friend texted you those things. There's nothing wrong with non-monogamy or with casual relationships, as long as everyone involved is on the same page (which it sounds like you are). Too, given how new these relationships are, there's nothing wrong with not being committed right away; from what you're describing, it sounds like all three of you know you're still in the first stages of getting to know each other.

If you're worried about stepping on people's toes, you might want to give out series on polyamory a read, since it has advice on navigating conversations with multiple partners: A First Polyamory Guide.

As far as relationships fading, that's one of those things that is really, really variable. For instance, sometimes when the new relationship energy fades, the people involved realize they don't have much in common and end the relationship. Other times people gradually drift apart, or discover that they work better as friends. Generally speaking, you want energy in a relationship to be a balanced give and take. If you're putting a ton of energy in and the other person isn't, that's a sign things are reaching an end. Or, if you find a relationship no longer interests you or is something you want to put energy into, that's also a sign it's time to end things rather than try to keep them afloat. Does that make sense?

[Sabine]

Ah, okay, thank you for clarifying that! I'm sorry that your best friend texted you those things. There's nothing wrong with non-monogamy or with casual relationships, as long as everyone involved is on the same page (which it sounds like you are). Too, given how new these relationships are, there's nothing wrong with not being committed right away; from what you're describing, it sounds like all three of you know you're still in the first stages of getting to know each other.

If you're worried about stepping on people's toes, you might want to give out series on polyamory a read, since it has advice on navigating conversations with multiple partners: A First Polyamory Guide.

As far as relationships fading, that's one of those things that is really, really variable. For instance, sometimes when the new relationship energy fades, the people involved realize they don't have much in common and end the relationship. Other times people gradually drift apart, or discover that they work better as friends. Generally speaking, you want energy in a relationship to be a balanced give and take. If you're putting a ton of energy in and the other person isn't, that's a sign things are reaching an end. Or, if you find a relationship no longer interests you or is something you want to put energy into, that's also a sign it's time to end things rather than try to keep them afloat. Does that make sense?

This makes sense. I don’t know where I stand with the girl from California because on the one hand I do find that often it fades sometimes and sometimes it doesn’t. Like for instance right now I’m in a class and I want to go to sleep afterwards, but she wants to talk afterwards. I do care about her, but I just want to take care of myself too. I think this is what normal relationships are like right? Someone kisses you good night, even if it’s on video chat.

As for the polyamorous relationships, I don’t know what is best for me right (or ever) since I am just getting to know them and I am looking perhaps to get married one day. I don’t know about marriage since I like the idea, but I also think it’s a flawed institution that rewards heteronormative parings.

[Sabine]

Also, I sometimes feel like I need do more for this relationship, but we are already not doing anything. She even said I do not need to do anything. However, I feel sometimes she has no idea what I am talking about sometimes and I should change the topic. It’s not her fault, but I should accommodate myself to her otherwise I am also heartless. I care about her and love her in some ways and attracted to her, and she says I don’t have to care for her. But in some ways, I am more attracted to this new interaction and my guilt is telling me that I shouldn’t be more attracted to her. So I really don’t know how I feel right now, the Northern Irish girl could not accept me fully or in the end not be attracted to me.

I’m just ranting at this point and I’m tired, but I just have mixed feelings.

[Sofi]

Relationships are a lot of give-and-take; you do have to compromise on many things, but don't always have to sacrifice much. It sounds like sometimes you feel you must sacrifice things like sleep and self-care in order to be attentive to her, which isn't the case. Of course if she needs you urgently you can choose to sacrifice sleep/leisure time to be there for her, but on the daily it's not good to feel forced to cater to her texting needs. It's kind of you to be so aware of what she wants when it comes to you two talking, but again, don't feel like you need to completely change how you talk for her--if you feel constantly anxious or uncomfortable, that's not a great sign.

A side note re:marriage - it is totally okay to both acknowledge and understand how it is an institution that rewards heteronormativity, AND still want it for yourself. They are not mutually exclusive <3

[Sabine]

Relationships are a lot of give-and-take; you do have to compromise on many things, but don't always have to sacrifice much. It sounds like sometimes you feel you must sacrifice things like sleep and self-care in order to be attentive to her, which isn't the case. Of course if she needs you urgently you can choose to sacrifice sleep/leisure time to be there for her, but on the daily it's not good to feel forced to cater to her texting needs. It's kind of you to be so aware of what she wants when it comes to you two talking, but again, don't feel like you need to completely change how you talk for her--if you feel constantly anxious or uncomfortable, that's not a great sign.

A side note re:marriage - it is totally okay to both acknowledge and understand how it is an institution that rewards heteronormativity, AND still want it for yourself. They are not mutually exclusive <3

Well, I eventually decided to sleep instead of talk to her tonight. When I didn’t respond to her text, she understood eventually that I was going to sleep so I texted her that. I’m not so sure how she will feel about it in the future. i’ve been trying to spend time more with her but also some more boundaries. I also acknowledge that I wanna spend more time with the Northern Irish girl (really so much) and also work on my grades. I don’t know if this is going to be just a temporary thing I think it might be but maybe perhaps teaching boundaries to her is a little hard. Is it my responsibility in this case to do it because I’ve said that I’m tired multiple times throughout the day including when I first talked to her.

Also thank you so much about that thought. I really want to make sure that I marry a great woman that really allows for open partners, at least for me.

[Sabine]

Also I don’t know if it’s just me that feels upset today, but I feel sometimes as if I am neglecting my friends for the Californian girl, not just the other one. But I want to interact with my other friends and every day it is her. She eventually understood my need to sleep but only in a few texts later. Now, I sometimes feel stressed because perhaps after school I am more free to talk, which is exciting but I also want to do more work for my applications and stuff.

But I also feel like I am a bad girlfriend even though she doesn’t think so for not giving her time and attention like I said I would. I really like her, but don’t know what to do.

[Sofi]

I don't think it's fair for you to judge yourself harshly as a bad girlfriend because your requirements for time and attention are different. If you are treating her well, with respect and care, wanting boundaries doesn't make you a bad girlfriend. Unfortunately we do sometimes have different needs than our partner in this area and you should be very clear with her on that so that you're on the same page. Neglecting friends, sleep, or responsibilities for a partner isn't healthy, so make sure you're not going down that route often.

[Sabine]

Thank you so much,

Lately I’ve been trying to set boundaries with her as well and our dates have been going well. Sometimes though, like yesterday she was in a fit of anxiety and needed to talk to me. Sometimes, when I’m not responsive, she will spam text or call, like today and yesterday. Usually I let her know I’m busy, but I feel guilty (even though I shouldn’t) that I cannot be there for her soon enough. She understands that, but says stuff like “I know but can’t you just take even a few minutes to text me” or something like that, especially during night.

I unfortunately was walking with my dad and so I had to end up listening to her while playing with a cat I am sitting. Usually I don’t talk to her while I am doing that because I want to concentrate on that. Sometimes I feel that she needs certain things that I cannot provide her as a girlfriend and I am afraid of saying the wrong advice.

Also, I like her, I really do. I also don’t want to compare to the Northern Irish girl. I really don’t want to when weighing my feelings with her and setting those boundaries. Because I like her love and affection, but find that sometimes I cannot chat about stuff I like without her understanding fully and/or having that same feeling, I cannot explain fully.

[Sabine]

I also want to visit her before I “break it off” or just stay as friends or maybe evaluate it more. Because I am sending her a package and our moms talked to each other! They are nice and civil and get along so well, so I want to keep that while it’s still going. I just don’t want to break it off to early and I don’t want to compare. Like I said, keep it chill.

And good news, the Northern Irish girl wants to video chat again, but she is working overtime. I feel so bad for her on a side note, but I am looking forward to it. She does get back to me whenever and I also do school too, so she does understand (I have finals as well).

[Alexa]

Hey Sabine,

A fellow non-monogamous person here -- just wanted to throw my two cents in! I'm hearing a lot of comparisons between California and Irish girl, wondering which one is a better fit, who should get more of your time, etc. It's important to remember that in nonmonogamy, we are not burdened with choosing between people in the same ways that monogamous people are. It's okay, as Sam said, to have different likes and dislikes/things in common with each partner. You don't have to decide which you like "better" -- you can like each of them for who they are and understand the limitations of each relationship at the same time!

I also noticed you saying that you didn't want the relationships to overshadow your social life/life outside of romance -- I'm in total agreement with you there. Do you want to talk more about how this has come up in your relationships?