Emotional Stessors Related with My Abusive Ex

[Jess@888]

I'm proud of myself for the long way haul recovery over the past couple of years. It wasn't easy, but I was determined to find ways to cope through this in time. So much has happened since this. Thankfully, I've not dealt with any flashbacks as I used to a year ago. When flashbacks did come, I reminded myself that my ex wasn't around to hurt me. The thoughts I'm having is the day I remember how clear it was I was being sexually assaulted. I know now, Dalton was sexually coercing me with sex and oral sex when I told him no. Then he started sexually grooming with a specific way to shave my pubic area. I remember the first time I told him no, and he got mad at me and responded back with psychological coercive threats. He was controlling and emotionally abusive. I was numb to the psychological and emotional abuse already. I remember when he made me touch him without my consent, I cried. His eyes were weird... he looked at me and asked in a very weird pleasure way, "Was I sexually abused?" Crying, I said no. He used my vulnerability against me as he exploited his power and control. The oral sex... I blacked out with my coworker and fiance. With my fiance, I felt the same way I did with my coworker as well as Dalton: I was silent and frozen in the moment of it; powerless. The oral sex, I was numb as I was pleasing Dalton. I don't remember if I was crying to myself or silently as I dissociated and depersonalized in that moment. All I remember was the silence and how frozen I was. I felt uncomfortable doing it and I knew deep down, this was not consensual. Which it already wasn't. The fingering wasn't fingering, but he deep fisted me without my consent. I lied to get out as I said I'd to use the bathroom. There was another time he made me touch him without consent. I felt ashamed afterwards and guilty for not fighting back. I know now what happened and I'm grateful for the resources I went through. I've gotten better with coping what my mom and my ex toxic friends said about me choosing this and wanting it. It's the emotional stressors I'm processing through it, and it's a flood of thoughts and tears. It breaks my heart that not matter what I do to cope, this comes back in emotional stressing times.

[Jess@888]

Also, I remember Dalton started dry humping me before he fingered which led to deep fisting. I was scared since he wasn't wearing a condom. I tried my best not to show my fears and tears to him, so it wouldn't be used to his advantage. Unfortunately, there are certain things that I don't remember as I dissociated and depersonalized. During the dry humping, I felt the same way as I did during the oral sex in terms of not remembering certain emotions. I don't know why I'm having a hard time recalling it, but I know it's for the best as if I was supposed to remember the way I was silent and frozen through it, I would cry like a flood to cope through it. This circumstance came on my mind as something in a good way by listening to a song brought this up. I don't know what I don't exactly know the way I was emotionally processing it during this time. It's weird, is it normal not to remember certain parts when a person is being sexually violated? I feel personally bad that I can't recall since I was numb and silent and frozen during it.

[Sam W]

Hi Jess99,

You have taken a huge number of steps in the healing process, and you deserve to feel proud of yourself for that. One of the crummy things about trauma is that it can intensify when we're otherwise stressed out, even if the stress has nothing to do with the traumatic events. That can be incredibly frustrating and unpleasant, but it's also something that you may already have the tools to get through (and if not, I bet you can learn them). In any of the help you've gotten from therapists or other support resources, have you had conversations about what to do when you get those floods of thoughts and tears? Have there things that worked in the past that you could try again now?

As to your other question, yes, it's common for someone who depersonalized or dissociated during an assault to not remember all of what happened. So there's nothing wrong with you if you can't recall all of it. Does that help at all?

[Jess@888]

Thank you, Sam! When I found out what my relationship was for three months, I wanted to receive any help I could get. Thankfully, I reached out to loveisrespect , RAINN, other sexual assault resource websites, and this website included. Two years ago, I wanted to get this out as I acknowledged the trauma I experienced and started the healing process. I’m glad I went to these following websites. In the summer of 2018, I was seeing a Christian counselor that I was referred to by my Bible fellowship teacher at my high school. My counselor recommended a book for me to read, “Rid of My Disgrace” as it dealt with sexual assault and the healing that can happen afterwards. I’ll read a chapter or a few then I’ll discuss it with her. Unfortunately, I’d to stop seeing her with everything going on during that season. When I read the book, it helped me to understand the violation that occurred during the trauma and what sexual assault’s without misconceptions and victim blaming I was receiving from people who I thought I trusted. Since last night I’d the notion to reread it since I coped through as much things last year. I only read the first two chapters, but I was crying as I read it for healing purposes. It gave a new vision to myself as I read it. It was good to remind myself I can find myself from this trauma in time. I know what Dalton did was sexual assault as people were victim blaming me, and people were telling me misconceptions with sexual assault. Reaching out on these resources help me too to understand more about the definition of sexual asking and its effects. I’m going to continue to read this book and the nine chapters to help me with this healing journey.

[Jess@888]

The next chapter I read was about sexual assault effects. Honestly, I know this’s a struggle for anyone who went through sexual assault. I learned to recognize my effects and I tried my absolute best to cope through this fully at that moment. It took me a while to know I was safe from Dalton as I struggled with hypervigilance. My self image was distorted, and I struggled with shame and embarrassment for being silent and being frozen at times. I understand my body went into flight mode (being silent and frozen) since Dalton was stronger and he was using psychological coercion for scare threat tactics. I know at that time I know there are times such as this, I’ve flashbacks and triggers like last night. Each time this happens, I remind myself I’m safe and Dalton’s not present.

[Jess@888]

When I’ve these thoughts also, I process and cope through it as much as possible. If I need someone to talk, I talk to my fiance and one of my trusted confidants (close friends); I consider them my support group.

[Sam W]

It sounds like you're drawing on a lot of resources to help you through this process, and that you're even giving yourself permission to "cry it out" when that's what you need to do. All of those are great approaches to taking care of yourself during the healing process.

Since it sounds like seeing the counselor was helpful, is that something you want to do again? If so, do you want to see the same person, or look into other options?

[Jess@888]

I've been thinking about other options. After a year of my sexual assault, I started to see counseling was starting to become less ideal. I was grateful for her and her time, but counseling wasn't working out for me. Instead I was starting to cope through it fully as counseling did open that door for me to start. If I really need to talk, I go to my trusted friends to explain. I do want to improve the record replaying. I know flashbacks will be a struggle, but I would like to change my thought process in time. The book I'm rereading that my counselor recommended and the chapter topics and personal experiences from people has been every beneficial and helpful to me. Also, I've been reading some of the articles on here for other resources.

[Sam W]

I think exploring options to find one that's right for you is a really good approach! Since it sounds like books (and workbooks) have been helpful to you, would it be helpful for us to recommend a few others you could look into?

[Jess@888]

Yes please and thank you.

[Marisha]

Hi Jess99,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I myself have struggled with sexual trauma, and just saying it out loud can itself be a huge hurdle. Congratulations on making it so far into your healing process, and good on you for prioritizing your mental (and overall) health.

I have less than a handful of good resources for you, but I hope you like the ones I could find!

This one is on Scarleteen from Kelly Addington, describing her own journey of survival: The Pursuit of Hope
This book talks about healing from sexual assault: Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body
And this is a personal rec from me! It doesn't deal primarily with sexual assault (though it has a dedicated section about abusers and sex) but talks mainly about abuse within relationships: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

[Jess@888]

Thank you, Marisha for sharing these resources! I'm looking forward to reading these resources.

[Mo]

I hope you find them helpful! We're here if you need to talk again in the future.