is sex supposed to hurt this much/be this uncomfy? how can i stop that? + another other quick question about bc

[ax]

i know you guys have probably had this question so many times but i feel like nothing helps unless its specific to my situation :/ so a little bit ago my bf and i tried to have sex for the first time. i am(?) a virgin, he is not. i don’t have a lot of sexual experience. my ex only fingered me but it really hurt when he did and it didn’t feel good. when my new bf did, it hurt at first but then it just started feeling more uncomfy than painful. i was like ??? because isn’t it supposed to feel good? and not uncomfy in a bad way, more like a strange feeling that something was in there. i’ve never had an experience where it felt good so i don’t know if it’s me or them. i'm assuming he did it better than my ex tho because once he stopped it didn’t hurt me but when my ex did i had pain in my vagina for like 3 days after. when we actually attempted to have sex, it kinda hurt me a lot. he could tell so he stopped, but he only got 25% in (hence a question mark by the virgin thing, does this count???). and i know it’s “supposed” to hurt the first time but i don’t know how long it hurts before it feels good, or if it is even supposed to hurt like that. it felt like something was kinda stabbing my vagina. bg info: i was wet down there, but i didn’t do anything to him and we didn’t have lube so maybe it could’ve been that he was dry going in? if he was lubricated too would it have been easier? i know that emotional ties have a lot to do with this too, i was nervous but everything was consensual and i wanted it. he was careful with me too. there was plenty of foreplay. i tried to ask friends, some said it hurt a lot but others said it didn’t, which doesn’t help. also, after we stopped, i went to pee and i noticed it looked like there was a bit of blood in my undies. does that mean anything? that had me confused too because i know that happens sometimes for the first time but he didn’t even get all the way in, so where would it even come from? bottom line, i’m just trying to figure out if it was me, the situation/parts of it, or both. i’m going to see him again soon and i really want to try again but i want it to be successful for both of us. i’m trying to be as prepared as possible. it just sucks being a virgin because i don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. is there anything i could do to prepare myself or practice or get used to the feeling as well? any advice is appreciated <3

as for my smaller question. like i said, i am going to see him in about a month. is it too late to start birth control? like if i start it as soon as i can would it even help prevent anything? is there even a point in getting on it if i’m only gonna see him for a few days and i don’t plan on having sex with anyone else? i really want to be as safe as possible when i go but bc is expensive and i want to make sure it’s even worth it for me.

[Emily N]

Hi ax, I’m so sorry to hear that you have had painful experiences with sex!

You wrote - “I know it’s “supposed” to hurt the first time but i don’t know how long it hurts before it feels good.” But sex does not have to and should not be painful, even if it’s your first time! The blood on your underwear is likely due to small abrasions in your vagina, which is most common when there isn’t enough lubrication, or the movement was too rough. I’ll write out ideas below to help avoid this next time!

I know you said it “started to feel more uncomfy than painful” - it’s good the pain lessened, but sex shouldn’t be uncomfortable either. Quote. Yes, it is supposed to feel good! That being said, it can take time, exploration, and patience from both partners during sex to see what feels good. I’ll write out some of my ideas here, but this article has a lot of detail about having intercourse for the first time. It touches on a lot of the questions and concerns you brought up!

1) Try exploring masturbation - only if you feel comfortable or interested in this! I don’t want you to think of masturbation as “practicing” for sex - it is its own form of sex that is just as valuable as partnered sex (and more so for some people). But getting a feel of what you like and don’t like can help when you are trying to communicate how things are feeling when you are having sex with a partner.

2) Consent - You mentioned that everything was consensual, and that’s awesome! It’s important that you and your boyfriend are both consenting not just at the beginning of sex, but also throughout. I’m also glad to hear that it sounds like he was being careful with you.

3) Communicate before and during sex - Have you tried talking with your boyfriend about what feels painful? It could be helpful to have a conversation about things you can try to make sex more comfortable before you have sex again. During sex, if it’s painful or uncomfortable, it’s important to communicate that to your boyfriend so that he stops or tries something different.

4) Go slow - It’s okay to go really slowly! Great sex doesn’t have to be fast and overly passionate, like it’s often portrayed in media. You also don’t have to have penis-in-vagina intercouse to have sex (I’ll talk a little more about that below). The next time you have sex, you can try just using hands without any penetration. Or, you can explore fingering with penetration slowly.

5) Use lube - It can really help reduce the chance of pain or bleeding with sex, I highly recommend! I know you said you didn’t have it last time you had sex - do you have access to it if you want to try it next time? If not, you might try unrefined coconut or olive oil - but this isn’t for everyone! Oils CAN’T be used with condoms because they break down latex! And oils may be more likely to irritate or clog your pores, so make sure to wash them off afterward.) Here is more info on lube in case you’re interested!

I also wanted to address your question about virginity a bit! As you may already know, sex can be defined in so so many ways, not just by penis-in-vagina intercourse. Sex can include anything - this doesn’t even have to include genitals, a partner, orgasm, or physical touch. When we think about all the ways a person can have sex, the concept of “virginity” holds less weight. So to your question about still being a virgin, it’s really up to you how you want to define sex for yourself! And regardless of sex, feel free to throw the term “virgin” out the window if it doesn’t do anything positive for you Also, sex feels totally different to different people and even with different partners or on different days, so there is know defining experience of sex that you are missing as a “virgin”.

Finally, Scarleteen has a Birth Control Bingo article that has a lot of information about different forms of birth control that you can check out! Generally, it takes about 7 days of taking birth control for it to be fully effective. If you are interested in birth control, and you are planning to continue to have sex with your boyfriend, it might be worth having a conversation with your doctor to decide if it makes sense! I wonder if your doctor might also have ideas for how to get birth control inexpensively, or free if you have insurance.

Hopefully some of this helped! Do you have other questions?