is this normal T_T

[lycheefan]

hey i haven't been here in a while but something regarding my boyfriend
whenever i play this very specific video game he always gets realllyy mad but i dont know if thats like. weird? i dont know why, ive asked him and he claims he doesnt know why either. its just a video game i enjoy(ed) but i feel like i cant play it anymore because i dont wanna upset him
any advice is awesome, thank you

[Carly]

Hey lycheefan -- I think it is pretty normal for someone to have a bad reaction to external stimuli that scares/bothers/annoys/discomforts them. I, for example, am very scared of centipedes and get very upset when I see them, but my boyfriend isn't bothered when there's one in the house at all. It's a very personal response that's informed by our experiences. You said that you asked him why he gets upset and he said he doesn't know why, does this mean he also feels that something about the game triggers him but isn't sure why or that he's not sure if he can agree with you that he gets upset? Can I ask what the game is and what it's about?

Do you only play video games when your boyfriend is around? Maybe you could play the game alone?

[lycheefan]

i think i forgot to clarify- he gets super heated when i just play it by myself. it's just a generic shooter fps game, valorant, and he just hates it. ive tried playing without saying anything but when he found out i was playing it he got mad anyways.
i think i would understand if he didnt want to play with me, because some games aren't for everyone and thats ok! but i just cant see why he has such a strong reaction to me playing it on my own time, by myself.

[Tess V]

Hi lycheefan,
Does it only have this reaction to the one specific game? Do you play other games that he doesn't mind about but he only dislike this one, or does he dislike the fact that you're playing video games?

Tess

[lycheefan]

just this specific game, he doesn't really care otherwise

[Elise]

Hi lycheefan, thanks for adding that context. Could it be that your boyfriend doesn't like Valorant, and is feeling angry that you like something that he doesn't, and is feeling confronted/insecure with this idea, and that is coming out as an angry feeling?

As you mentioned, some games are for some people and some people like different implementations of a genre, or different genres of games altogether, and that is okay, and of course this goes just the same for people in relationships. How would you feel talking to your partner about this again, and asking them how they feel about you liking different things, and reassuring them this is okay? If they understand this, they may need to also take this as an opportunity to better understand themselves and to work on emotional regulation/coping with anger, as anger is certainly not the most appropriate response to this situation.

Here are some articles that might be of use to you in this situation:

• How to Clash with Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics
• Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship (particularly the section "We each get to be our own person.")

How would you feel about communicating with your boyfriend about this again? Do any questions/thoughts arise for you after reading these articles?

[lycheefan]

thank you for the insight! i'll try to talk to him about it again, but whenever i do he either gets so mad he just stops talking about it or nothing gets fixed T__T hopefully we'll be able to resolve something, or at least start to.
i honestly dont know why he hates this game, we used to play it together but he suddenly started hating it. maybe he got burnt out? but that doesn't really give him a reason to get angry i like it still. whenever my friends do wanna play it i just dont want to because of what his reaction might be. sorry i ended up ranting a little bit HAHA it just doesnt feel fair sometimes
i'll try to use more i statements so hopefully it'll show him how it makes me feel too. thank you again

[Mo]

I hope it goes well! It really isn't okay for him to get so angry at you bringing this up that he refuses to discuss it with you at all. If he feels like he can't manage to talk about it in the moment, it's fine for him to take the time he needs to calm down and process his feelings enough to discuss them with you, but to just be so angry that it ends the conversation with no followup is not a healthy way to deal with those feelings at all. I hope you'll be able to clarify this situation soon.