Feeling Uncomfortable Post-Orgasm

[bessie09]

Hi there, brand new to the forum here!
I've been wondering about this topic for a few months now, but I haven't really gotten any advice about it. I'm a 19-year-old cis female, and I've been experiencing panic and yucky feelings post-orgasm when I've had both had sex and masturbated in recent months. I've found that after I orgasm, particularly after penetration (of fingers only, as I've exclusively masturbated and sex with another person with a vagina), I feel really panicky! I no longer want to be touched, my heart races, my stomach feels full of anxious butterflies, sometimes I can't help but cry, and I just all-around feel queasy. It's made me feel quite down on myself and very confused, as during sex or masturbation, I like the feeling of fingers inside, but as soon as I come, I feel the opposite.
I've also noticed that while sometimes I do, I don't as often feel this way after orgasms from oral sex or clitoral stimulation. But, those times that I do still feel off afterwards, I find myself upset. I enjoy being touched, orgasming, and touching myself. But I don't love the way I feel afterwards, some 70% of the time.
Is there something I should do? Should I try masturbating / having sex less frequently and see what that makes me feel? I find myself thinking about sex and masturbation often, as the process really does feel nice, but it just doesn't feel very nice post-orgasm.

[Emily N]

Hi bessie09, welcome to the boards! I’m sorry you have been struggling with feelings of panic and anxiety after orgasm, that sounds really difficult.

You mentioned that this feeling has been happening in recent months - did you experience this at all before, or can you think of anything in your life that has changed recently that could be causing this reaction?

While society doesn’t talk about it very often, it’s very common for people to feel sad, anxious, and other difficult emotions after sex. One of the things you can do is engage in aftercare after masturbation or sex. Are there things that you can do that make you feel cared for after orgasm? Some people find cuddling helpful, but if you don’t like the feeling of being touched after orgasm, you could take a hot shower, enjoy good food, or take a walk - really anything! If you are with a partner, communicate with them (if possible before having sex) about what you need during and after sex to feel good. (I realize this is easier said than done though!)

Do you think it would be helpful to take a break from masturbating and sex to see if these feelings of panic/anxiety arise in other situations? If this isn’t something you want to do, another option could be to take a break from masturbating and sex with penetration, and instead focus on clitoral stimulation since you said that you feel less crummy after this kind of stimulation.

Are there any of these suggestions that resonate with you?

[bessie09]

Hi Emily! Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. While a bit funny feeling to talk about, it feels unbelievably relieving (and pretty exciting!) to write all of this stuff out and chat to a pro about it. I feel quite reassured reading that these feelings aren’t nuts or abnormal.

A few months back, I did have a partner (we’ve since broken up) who was reassuring of these these anxious feelings, too. We tried cuddles post-sex, but it definitely didn’t make things feel better for me. Though, I really wanted that to help as my partner was a big lover of cuddles, but it ultimately made me feel worse. I love your ideas of taking a hot shower, taking a walk, or doing something that doesn’t involve physical touch afterward!

One thing I can think of that may have changed for me and started causing this reaction is a night of sex with my previous partner that really didn’t feel right. I was completely naked and she was fully dressed (and I’d never had sex completely naked before, and have not since), we were on vacation and in this strange new room, and I just really wanted it to work out smoothly. We started having sex (penetrative, to be specific), I let her take off my clothes as we went and were in the moment, and I wanted to come, so I just kept on going. So, when I did come, all of the uncomfortable feelings and anxieties I’d been pushing down during that night of sex all came up as I came back down. That felt like a turning point, I think. It was over a year ago now, so the exact timeline is a little fuzzy, but I think that’s when my anxieties really began.

As I’m no longer in a relationship, I have a lot of needed space to figure out what it is I really do want, like, and need. I think one of those things is going slow and really listening to my body, not forcing anything just because I think it’s what “should happen.” Easier said than done, I’m learning. I think I could do with a break from any penetration for sure, to see what that feels like anxiety wise!

[Sam W]

Hi Bessie,

It does sound like that night might have been a turning point for or an origin of those feelings. Do you feel like you have a sense of what made it so anxiety provoking? I ask because that could give you information on how to build spaces that feel right for you during sex or masturbation in the future.

And I think taking a break sounds like a good idea; sometimes taking a break from an activity can let us approach it with less anxiety later on (too, if insertive sex or masturbation just isn't fun for you for a long time, or ever, that's totally okay too).

[bessie09]

Hi Sam!

When I think about what made that night anxiety provoking, a few things come to mind.

The first is that I didn’t take time to think about or acknowledge the fact that what I was doing wasn’t making me feel good. I didn’t like being the only person without clothes on. I didn’t like that I was in an unfamiliar, foreign room. I didn’t like that my heart was beating so quickly and that I was feeling uncomfortable, because I just wanted to have a good time. But I wasn’t having that, and I didn’t stop to tell my partner this or slow down. I remember feeling like I needed to be a certain way to be sexy. To make noises, to take off my clothes, to make faces, not to laugh or slow down or talk in the moment about things that made me feel anxious. There was (still is, sometimes) a feeling of pressure I put on myself to put on a performance and make it all just feel good, even when it doesn’t.

I’d much rather just be true to what I need during sex, but found myself caught up in the feelings and just really pushing to finish, ignoring my anxieties. It makes the whole experience feel icky afterwards, rather than satisfying.

Part of that may be a distaste I have for insertive sex, I do think, but most of it feels like it comes from the instinct to ignore my discomforts and push towards orgasm.

[Sam W]

It sounds like you've done quite a bit of introspection around this, which is great! I think it's really sound to recognize that a lot of the pressure you put on yourself and the things that make sex anxiety provoking are those feelings that you need to do it all "right." You may have seen this on our site already, but this piece can be a really gentle way of reminding yourself that you get to be sexual in the ways that feel right and comfortable for you, rather than trying to match some specific image of the experience: The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism

[bessie09]

Ooh- wonderful. I’ll absolutely read that link!

And I’m sure I’ll be back with more questions or queries someday… but in the meantime, thank you so much for your reassurance, help, and advice. I’ll be digesting this and taking it all to heart!

[Sam W]

You're so very welcome!