Wanted: Libido

[tinygoblin]

i haven't been horny for two years and it's really bothering me. i know what it feels like and i've been a horny person before, i'm also allosexual, but somehow my libido got lost. i miss enjoying masturbation so much, i tried to chill and give myself space, tried to be horny and partially gave up on feeling horny and attracted to people for months and just accepted the situation as it is. i'm healthy, not stressed at all, which makes me wonder why i somehow had this kill-switch-situation where somethinng turned off my horny feelings. i just want to have sex with myself and others and really enjoy it, but i'm not feeling the sexual urges but i really want to feel them again. and i feel like it's a cycle, unless i'm attracted to people i can't be horny but i'm just so disinterested in people or haven't met a attractive person agai. i wish my libido would work seperatly and work for once again. i'm just grieving that i've lost masturbation as a fun safe thing and i just don't know if i should just wait longer and do nothing or what i could do about this in general.

[Mo]

That does sound pretty frustrating! I do think that trying to force it is unlikely to be very effective; if you're putting pressure on yourself to feel arousal, that's honestly going to make it less likely to show up. Your thought of giving yourself space is probably what I'd recommend; I wish I had a great suggestion of what to do to recapture those feelings, but fluctuations in levels of sexual desire and arousal are really common.

You do mention that you're healthy and not stressed, so this may not be an issue, but I do want to check: have you started any medications recently? There are some, especially SSRIs, that can have significant sexual side effects.

[tinygoblin]

i'm not really putting pressure on myself. i'm chill and forgiving with myself and i gave myself so much space in the last two years and still, it did not do anything good. i'm not on medication and i've been pretty horny during other stressfull times in my life. i'm feeling pretty good since half a year propably but i just have no desire for sexy stuff and it bothers me quite a lot by now. i don't know if i should talk to my doctor, my hormone levels haven't been really unusual, i feel really silly being bothered by all of this but i'm just so sick or my current state. it's like i lost interest in a hobby i used to like very much and just don't enjoy it right now. desire and arousal changes are common, yes, but it's an unusual change one for me and i'm just tired of it.

[Emily N]

Hi tinygoblin,

I have also struggled with a change in my libido from a few years ago, it can be really disconcerting and frustrating. I’m glad you have been kind to yourself about this, that’s the biggest thing we can do for ourselves sometimes.

Sometimes our body’s response to stress (and different types of stressors) can change over time, too, and this past year and a half have come with a lot of different stressors! But I hear you, whether or not these changes are “normal”, it’s still frustrating and I want you to be able to enjoy desire and arousal more again.

Here’s an article, “Libido and Lockdown”, outlines how many things in our daily lives can affect our libido, from how much we exercise, how we eat, how we manage new stress, how we feel about our bodies. It also outlines some steps to take.

I also really like this article, "10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)", which can help put our sexualities into a larger perspective and give a few options on how to move forward if you feel like you are fighting against a barrier.

Another thing that sticks out to me is finding other sources of pleasure in your body outside of sex and arousal. Maybe finding other things to intentionally do with your body (meditate, make or eat a really good meal, learn a new skill) could help you get in touch with different needs in your body that could tie into libido in the big picture. What do you think about this idea?

[tinygoblin]

hey there, it's me again. half a year later and i'm still struggling with the same thing. on the one hand, i'm pretty chill about experiencing no arousal anymore, on the other it's bothering me even more at the moment.
I did a lot of self discovery in the past months, mainly bc I made a new good friend who could relate to my experiences while having other struggles with their sexuality and trauma. I'm okay with having no arousal, I'm not pressuring myself at all. I haven't ever engaged in sexual activity without feeling the desire to do so and i do know my boundaries quite well - that's mainly why i can't understand it when people say that i pressure myself bc i don't feel the signs of pressure in my body and i know i'm ok and valid. Still, I don't know what's going on. Very recently I had a quite positive sexual interaction with a friend of mine. We cuddled quite a lot and made out a couple of times and i really enjoyed everything, even though i felt no to low and non-genital-located arousal and only some kind of attraction that does not feel like the kind of sexual attraction that i know. Still, it's been good and I've been definetly attracted to them on a bodily-emotional level. It's really some kind of in-between-attraction with no pressure, emotional closeness and physical closeness.
We kinda stopped making out though, since realizing that they feel intense sexual attraction towards me hurt me a lot, bc I can't feel this anymore even though I would really like to. It just hurt knowing their in "sexually attracted headspace" and I'm not. It kinda made my whole small shy feelings go away, knowing that their overall very into me. I'm really grateful for sharing this experience with them though. I'm back to "very unsexual platonic friends"-feelings for them. We both want to care for each other and stick to our boundaries, even though we both struggled with this second new shift in our relationship in different ways.
I just realized how hurt I am by the fact that I can't feel any arousal even though I'm sexually interested and I do feel desire - just without mental or bodily arousal no sexual attraction to people. and I don't know how to deal with that. I also talked to a therapist, they said I'm basically fine and already did a lot of work on my own. I thought of maybe going to the doctor and have my hormone levels checked by i really can't explain why this shift happened so suddenly. And it's been 2 1/2 years by now, I'm fed up with all this shit.

But still. I don't know how to work with my new sexuality or what the heck is even happening. On the one hand I'm fine, on the other... i feel like it's difficult to explore sexuality if I'm lacking arousal and attraction, bc both a presumptions of "normal" sexuality. I feel like I have to write the scripts of my sexuality all by my self and I'm just so scared that it won't go back. Masturbation is senseless, it does not do anything for me, which is also hurting like hell. I don't know what to do with my sexuality. I'm just very lost - especially after my experience with said friend.

[Carly]

Hey tinygoblin -- I'm so sorry this is so frustrating and that it's continued from when you first posted. It sounds like the stuff that's going on with your friend isn't making it any easier for you. It looks like we already made sure it wasn't something like a new medication or stress, which are common causes for what you're feeling. We can continue to talk here on the boards of course, but first I wanted to see if you have ever considered sex therapy or a therapist that has a specialization in sexuality. I ask because sometimes folks don't know it's something they can talk to a mental health professional for. It may even be covered by insurance if you have it. Have you ever thought about this as an option?

Something else I wanted to clarify -- when you think about how you "used to" experience your sex drive, what are you comparing it to? Has anything changed majorly in the last two years? Maybe you've moved, you've had more sexual experiences, etc.?

[tinygoblin]

I did, that's why I talked to a therapist very recently. but not a sex therapist, no. i did not consider my feelings "bad enough", (bc they're not bad, in general i'm feeling pretty great) but honestly at the moment i don't care anymore, i don't want to wait anymore. maybe i'll should give this a chance.

i had an unconsensual sexual experience and a couple of weeks later my libido was inexistent. also the lockdown did not heighten my overall mood at the tome. but idk, i dealt with the case quite okay i think and i have very supportive friends, also back then. i had other not-very-antpatriachal-but-hot-and-consensual sex experiences before, they never changed anything about my sexuality. i don't know really, the therapist i talked to thinks i'm okay and does not think it's only this situation that's responsible for this. i'm also confused: i don't feel like suffering and since a year roughly i'm in a very good mental state all the time, since i moved in with friends. but i don't know what could be the cause for this libido fuckery but this assault, stress or my hormones being weird.

[Mo]

It's certainly possible that the assault is part of what's causing this big change in your libido. Even if it feels like something you've dealt with well and you've gotten good support from friends (which is great!), the aftereffects of a sexual assault can be unexpected. It does sound like the change in your libido happened pretty soon afterwards, so it is a connection that might be worth exploring.
I don't know if you're still seeing the therapist you initially talked to about this, but if you didn't discuss the sexual assault with them and it's something you're comfortable doing, I think that could be a good next step. We could also help you find resources like a local rape crisis center, if there are some in your area; sometimes they can be helpful in pointing people towards counselors or other mental health practitioners who specialize in helping people who've been sexually assaulted.