Libido?

[distinctdoll]

hey, so I’m an 18 year old girl and I see a lot of other girls and women online talking about how around the time of ovulation they feel horny or even just before during after their periods and I don’t feel this way at all. am I supposed to? is something wrong with me? I don’t get that feeling of arousal through myself that I used to and I’m worried about my libido. im not on birth control or having sex, I experiment a *little* bit with my bf but I feel like this should just be a common thing that i should be feeling as a teen, especially a young one. It’s also a struggle since my boyfriend has a higher libido and I feel bad that I’m not as in the mood as he usually is.

[mikky]

Hi distinctdoll!

Libido can be a tricky thing- so, so, so many factors impact it. There’s a list of questions in this article that I really encourage you to read through and answer for yourself: Where's my sex drive driven off to?. I hope this will give you some context for all the things that shape our libidos, and how subject to change that can be. I also want to ask you if and how you’ve talked to your boyfriend about this, and how he has responded.

But, yes, many people who ovulate do experience increased libido during that time (but, it’s not universal). Check out this chart which shows the menstrual cycle: https://www.uptodate.com/contents/image ... PI%2F79496
Do you see how the orangey-yellow line which refers to estradiol spikes just before ovulation? That increase of estrogen can spike libido/sex drive for some people. Evolutionarily, it makes sense too- this is when we are most fertile. When you are 18, you might still be in a time in your life where both your menstrual cycle is regularizing and your libido/sexuality are still being formed. It is totally normal not to feel a strong correlation between your cycle and your libido, especially at 18.

One thing to note is that some people rely on increased feelings of libido to inform them of supposed ovulation, rather than the other way around. It’s important to take what we see discussed anecdotally with a grain of salt, especially when most people are not carefully tracking their cycles. I’ve seen people talking online about this too, or even saying musical artists must have been ovulating when writing horny songs (???). While I love seeing positivity around sexuality, knowing how much shame often accompanies that, I also note that internet chat like this can easily drift far away from facts and information. It’s also way less interesting to get online and say “I feel a fairly flat sex drive,” even if that is also a widely shared reality. Please know that nothing is wrong with you.

[distinctdoll]

Thanks so much. I do notice the fluctuation on the chart and I’ve also heard of those ovulation song rumors hopefully my body does regulate itself because it is a nice feeling knowing I’m aroused I guess..? even though I shouldn’t be worried about whether I’m normal or not.

[mikky]

I think it can be helpful to remember that libido is something that does and will change. Wanting to feel aroused, especially if you are experimenting sexually with someone else, makes a lot of sense! I'll also say that feeling aroused tends to come with engaging in activities that we find interesting, exciting, and pleasurable. If you aren't feeling generally into whatever experimentation with your boyfriend is, we can't really expect arousal to just magically show up. Does that make sense?

[distinctdoll]

Yes totally. I was mostly concerned because when we ARE doing something that should be initiating arousal it doesn’t necessarily happen, so i was and am worried about that.

[Becky]

Hi distinctdoll!

It makes sense that you'd be feeling worried about this-- especially when it sounds like you're feeling some pressure to be experiencing similar things to your peers. But I can assure you, nothing is wrong with you!

As Mikky pointed out, it's totally normal for libido (aka our desire for sex) to fluctuate or even be non-existent for long periods of time. Even when you are engaging in activities that might normally get you in the mood, sometimes our brains just aren't feeling it for whatever reason.

How have things been outside of your sex life? How have you been feeling lately? Do you have regular opportunities to take care of yourself and fill your cup?

[distinctdoll]

I’ve been feeling okay. Not really the greatest these past few months especially. I try to take care of myself but I moved from my lifelong home a few months ago and also away from my bf so that took a lot of my happiness, considering I dont have any friends. He's also my best friend, so I do everything by myself now. It’s just hard for me right now, I don’t have the funds to move back and it’s just stressful.

[Heather]

I want to add that there really isn't such a thing as "should" when it comes to arousal. There's only what has aroused us in the past, which, for sure, we can sometimes see a pattern of, but as mentioned, sometimes patterns change or pause.

I'm so sorry that you have been in such a tough transitional phase, and that kind of stress absolutely will often put a damper on our desire for sex, level of arousal and other parts of sexual response, or all of the above. Stress really messes with our sexual response.

Would you like some help figuring out how to make new friends where you are?

[distinctdoll]

I’d love to, however, im doing online classes so its a bit hard to figure out at the moment until i find a part time job :’)

[Latha]

Hello Distinctdoll,

No worries! We can return to this discussion whenever it is a good time for you. We can also chat about how you might feel more connected to your existing friends from before your move, or have a theoretical conversation about your options for meeting people, including ones you can try from home or are inexpensive if those are concerns.

[distinctdoll]

Oh, I’m sorry for the confusion. I don’t have any existing friends from before I moved.

[Latha]

Nono, that was my bad--I think I read your posts as you not having friends where you are currently, rather than not having connections in general. I'm sorry--I know it can be hard to make and keep friendships in the best of circumstances, and moving can't have made that any easier. <3

Let us know if you'd like help figuring out how to make friends where you are, or if you have anything else you would like to talk about.