Difficulty with penetration

[hongmeo]

Hi there,
I'm a trans man and recently have been trying to be more open to my body and sexuality. To give a bit more context, I used to have excruciating gender dysphoria regarding my lower parts (physically unable to look at it without having panic attacks), which got less intense as I started transitioning.
I've been trying to explore penetration, and it's such a struggle. I don't know how to finger myself or insert a tampon: I dislike the sensation of touching myself like that, so I tried inserting toys/tampons to avoid the sensation of my own flesh on my fingers but it still doesn't work, I can't insert anything. I tried having penetrative sex with someone and he couldn't insert his penis, which was not very telling because it was the first time we met and he was huge. I thought maybe it was vaginismus considering my dysphoria and history regarding sexuality (very complicated), but I was okay with being fingered and enjoyed it. I feel like having someone more experienced helping me with it and gently pushing me forward would be best, but I don't have a partner and it makes me feelvery frustrated and helpless. It's not like I outright dislike penetration, I want to experiment and become more knowledgeable and comfortable with myself, but it feels very frustrating because I don't know what's the problem and why it doesn't come easy to me. Am I not putting enough pressure out of anxiety, is it a physical thing like my hymen, vaginismus etc.? I'm genuinely confused about what I should do.

[Sam W]

Hi hongmeo,

You've actually listed out a few different possibilities that I think could be at play, either by themselves or in some kind of combination. Anxiety is one of them, since it can cause us to tense up which makes inserting things harder. Too, if trying to insert either your fingers, a toy, or a partner's penis has been painful, the memory of that can contribute to you tensing up, because your body is bracing for something it thinks of as painful. When you've tried this in the past, how relaxed and aroused were you able to be? And how much lube were you using?

It's also possible there's something physical at play, though the person who could help you determine that would be a healthcare provider. I will say it's unlikely to be your vaginal corona (the technical name for the hymen) because that's actually a flexible mucous membrane rather than the barrier a lot of people assume it is (you can read more about that here: My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It).

I get where you're coming from with wanting a partner to kind of guide and support you through this, but for the time being I think you might find it works better to do this alone. Even when they're supportive, having another person present can sometimes put pressure on us to have our bodies react the way we want them to or think they should, and that kind of pressure can increase anxiety, which in increases tension. Does that make sense?