Sexual identity

[Jq2022]

I've been struggling a lot the last 4 years. I'm going to open up here and I just want to know what people think, ideas, whatever.

Anyway, obviously I can't get help with this here (I'm getting some help elsewhere, not enough) but I struggle with severe OCD, I have Aspergers, and anxiety. A lot of this makes me overthink everything, but it didn't used to be this bad. I just wanted to use that as a disclaimer.

So a few years back, when I was a kid I figured I was straight. Maybe around the time I was a teenager I figured I might have an interest in other males. I was never in a romantic relationship to this day. More on that later. Anyway OCD set in around the time I turned 20, and a lot of things happened and I was struggling. So I turned to Christianity. It was after I turned to Christianity that I felt OK with my sexuality. I accepted myself as bisexual. I was never open about it. Nobody really knows. Had an online long distance relationship with another male, I was not in my right mind at the time. My doctor had me on some very strong medications and honestly I really don't think they were properly prescribed. I feel really guilty about it. I had to break it up. I still occasionally talk with the person.

Went a few years doing OK. Then I met a girl, also online. Pursued a relationship. Didn't really get that far. But we were very close and I was attracted to her. Then several years later, she came out as transgender male. I was cool with that, we still talk, but any romantic relationship idea in my mind was out the window, since he is interested in females as far as I can tell. Then I questioned myself "Was I really interested in this person as a female at all", but then I remembered all of the girls that I still am attracted to.

2016 everything for me started going bad. I lost a good friend (Who was gay) to suicide. After that my OCD kicked back up. I lost my lifelong hobby to the OCD. I can't do it anymore out of fear "Someone will die" (Which is a common thing with OCD) In 2018 I desperately kept trying different anti depressants but they didn't work. I started going through severe withdrawal from these medications. I was acting very irrational. During this time I had my first sexual encounter and it was with a male. It was honestly just mutual masturbation but it was the only sexual thing I have ever done to this day. To this day I still feel incredible guilt and shame about that encounter while at the same time I really get excited thinking about it too. It's insane.

Also in 2018, I lost hearing in one of my ears (Nobody can find out why), I developed severe insomnia, I developed genital psoriasis (Which means I have absolutely no confidence as far as relationships or sex anymore, I totally give up) and my overall confidence in myself went away.

In 2019 I turned my focus more on Christianity. But I think to an extent it was because of everything that had happened. During that time, my OCD got worse, and I started questioning if the person I am is bad. Maybe being bisexual is wrong. I don't know if that's God talking or not. Maybe the psoriasis is punishment for the encounter I had. But then again I was already starting to develop some psoriasis before that, it simply got worse in 2019. Finally in 2021, I stopped masturbating. It was a "If you do this (Insert here) will happen" I have not masturbated since April 2021. I can't do anything sexual. The urge is still there, but the OCD and everything else has the final say.

Anyway earlier this year I kind of backed up a little. I'm not going to be able to masturbate or have any relationships with anybody male or female anymore, but I'm starting to explore myself again as a bisexual person. That's one thing that has NOT gone away and that I cannot control. I feel it's "wrong" sometimes, I don't understand why. I didn't feel it was wrong a few years ago, but then again my OCD was not bad as it is now.

I feel as if I'm right down the middle bisexual. Equally attracted to both males and females. Then there's the fact that all of the pride events are going on this month. I've been finding myself wanting to attend a parade or something but I feel that I cannot. I have no confidence at all, I'm terrible socially and I still fear that I will be punished for it. A family member just told me she is attending one and she is not even LGBTQ. She told me, because she is one of the few people who knows that I am bisexual and understands, as she has friends who are bi. Can anybody relate to anything I am going through? I mean I obviously cannot change what I am. That's why I think it's best at the moment to just remain single and at least technically a virgin. I still kind of feel down or left out of this world sometimes though. That's kind of tough. But I'm pretty clear as to who I am, at least I think I am.

[Elise]

Hi there jq2022, and welcome to Scarleteen. From your post, it sounds like that you have faced some really difficult challeges in life that would have needed a lot of strength to navigate through. There are many people here and out in the world who can relate to your experiences, and reading writing from people who share these experiences can be a great way to feel connected to community, validated, and importantly, see that you are not alone.

I'll start by putting a few links (certainly these are non-exhaustive, more of a start) to these below. A couple of these will include writing about how it is completely okay to not know 100% right now or ever what your sexuality is. This is referred to as "questioning" and is one of the words that the Q in LGBTQIA+ stands for.

• From Erasure to Ownership: A Bisexuality Journey
• The Answers (for Now)
• Q is for Questioning
• Impurity Culture: On Sexuality & Sin
• Sexuality: WTF Is It, Anyway?

You may also find this website of resources for LGBGQIA+ Christians useful: Queer Grace

If you feel comfortable doing so after reading these, you are very welcome to share any thoughts, questions or reflections that arise for you with us here and continue the conversation.

Also, a brief note on language, when talking about other people's identities, "man" "woman" or other terms as folks may identify are better to use than "male" and "female", as those words are more about medical classifications of anatomy, which is different from their gender identity. You can read more about this here: Genderpalooza a sex and gender primer.

[Jq2022]

Thank You! I will read these over. I will also be mindful of my use of terms like man and woman going forward. Honestly I never opened myself up before about all of this so that was a lot of weight lifted in a way.

[Elise]

Glad to hear that opening helped you feel better, having someone to talk to can be a really important part of working through these things. You are welcome to chat to us about questions/from from reading the articles here.

If you are comfortable answering/engaging in this line of discussion: have you ever considered speaking with a counsellor or therapist (Psychologist)? (I'm not quite sure from your post if it was a GP or Psychiatrist who you saw who prescribed you medication, and whether this came with any option to do talking therapies with someone along with that?).

[Jq2022]

I have a therapist I talk to once a week. I have not mentioned anything about my sexuality or relationships with her however. I'm not comfortable with it. I'm still very much in the closet in general. I mostly talk about my mental health issues with the therapist. Not much progress has been made so far, but it's only been about a month.

[Sam W]

Hi Jq2022,

It's okay if you're not ready or comfortable sharing your feelings and thoughts about your sexuality with her yet. It may be worth considering sharing them later on, once you've established more of a rapport with her, especially if they seem to be interacting with your mental health overall.