I feel left behind

[acorns0-0]

Over the years I’ve often visited this site when I’ve had problems seeking answers, and I’ve usually found them, but I’ve decided that I’d finally ask something of my own.

I’m a 16 y/o female in high school going on 17, and over the last year I’ve really started to feel “left behind” from my friends. Out of the four, three have had serious relationships and two have had sex with a partner before. The one who hasn’t still always has guys and girls asking her out. None of that has ever happened to me. I’ve never had a boyfriend, never even been told by someone that they liked me. While everyone else is maturing I still feel like I’m in middle school metaphorically speaking.

The thing is, though, is that I don’t really feel this burning urge to put myself out there and find someone. I hear my friends talk about their relationship troubles and I usually just think that it sounds like a hassle. I’m okay with being by myself, for right now atleast. But I’d really just enjoy, idk, the validation of someone liking me I guess? That I’m desirable? I’m not really sure.

[Carly]

Hey acorns0-0 -- I'm so glad to hear Scarleteen has helped you find some answers in the past. Welcome to the board!

I can totally see how you're feeling right now - feeling "behind" other people can be distracting and make us question ourselves. Something that I've learned over time is that there is no perfect timeline that applies to everyone, especially when it comes to love, sex, and relationships. I know just hearing that likely isn't enough to clear up how you're feeling, but sometimes all we can do is trust our own natural progression. You sound like you know yourself pretty well, and it sounds like you've identified that this sort of stuff isn't for you right now - and that's the most important thing here. We have the Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist, which I think is a great resource to use when you're in place to assess again. Most of it is about sex, but I think it can extend easily to pursuing relationships in general.

If you're not hearing it from others romantically, what are some things that do make you feel validated outside of that? What are your favorite things about yourself?

[acorns0-0]

Thank you for replying so quickly

To the question of what other things make me feel validated, I suppose it’s mostly my friends. I really am thankful for my friends, because they never make me feel bad for being inexperienced or pressure me into putting myself out there. Recently, they have even been complimenting me on how I’m much more confident with myself than I used to. I’m wearing more revealing clothes after always feeling I need to cover up, (crop tops, but it’s a start!), I’m actually starting to feel like I have my own “style” when I always used to wear what I thought would get me the least noticed, and I can talk to new people and make friends more easily than I used to.

I’d say like 80% of the time I’m pretty content with myself, but that 20% of the time I really do feel like there’s something wrong with me. I really never share my feelings with other people. I’m kind of the “mom friend” of the group so I’m used to hearing everyone else’s woes but keeping mine to myself. It felt good to share my problem somewhere, even if it was anonymous

[Mo]

The fact that you're noticing some confidence (and that other people notice it as well!!) is a great sign.
I wonder if you feel like it would be possible to start opening up a little to bit to some of your friends about how you're feeling. Maybe just start with one or two close people and share a little about how you're doing right now? If things are feeling a little imbalanced with the amount of support you provide others vs. what you seek out for yourself, I certainly think it's reasonable to reach out and ask for a little of that support when you need it.